Even in my imagination I wanted to stop. I wanted to leave it there--a truth shared can be enough. I could tell myself that I told them, that I didn't need to take the extra step and let them go.
But I love my boys too much. I love my life too much to start hiding and justifying again. So, I continued speaking. Softly so that they would lean in and really listen. I knew I might not be able to say this again. "Everything, boys, has been tinted. And in some way, tainted. Because my want, my desire, is exactly that: Mine. It's not right or wrong, but it isn't fair either. Because as your mom I have so much power. So even though it was always with love that I colored your lessons and games and conversations with brother bond propaganda, it's still true that it was propaganda."
My boys sighed and smiled. In my mind, my boys looked lighter and--interestingly--closer to each other. It helped me gather the strength to reiterate, "You are lucky to have each other, and you are lucky to have the bond you have. But you are not required to have that bond. You are not 'less than' or 'making bad choices' if your lives take you in new directions. If you're world becomes full of new relationships that leave less room for each other. I want you to know that, though I'll probably always tint my conversation with the beauty of brother bonding, I am forever willing to see and celebrate other beautiful bonds you boys choose to highlight. I love all of you so much. The turn signal and brake pedal and steering wheel is with you. And I want you to use them your way."
I felt a smile grow and knew I meant it. Coming back into myself--away from the coffee shop of my mind into the car on the highway--I looked at the son who sat beside me in the passenger seat. I reached over and tousled his hair, pulling him out of his own imagination and enjoying the smile he offered me before turning back to the window, staring out and imagining his own stories.
It's so important to let our loved ones know that we love them and that we will be there for them. That we'll tousle their hair and let them wander the contents of their minds while we drive.
But also, that we'll let them go. That we love them so much we want to see who and what they'll discover on their own.
I had no idea when I drove to the grocery store today that I'd be swallowed up by this imagining and lesson. I had no idea that I'd discover something about the truth of parenting propaganda; how it can come from a place of absolute love and even encourage beautiful things while also having the power to taint absolutely.
But that's the gift of freedom. Unexpected imaginings and lessons that can safely be shared and celebrated.
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