Barney the dinosaur will once again make the news with his wanderlust, draggletail dinosaur ways. Yes, Barney will be caught in the arms of yet another reptile, Rush Limbaugh. Mrs. The Dinosaur will sue for divorce as this will prove to be Barney’s 4th infidelity - not counting that one-nighter thing he had with Miss Piggy back in 2002.
An alien invasion will be unwittingly thwarted in Detroit. Aliens, upon landing in the “Motor City” will have their windshield washed by hoards of unemployed auto workers. When the aliens refuse to pay for the service, the irate street side squeegee people will beat them senseless. Their hubcaps will also be stolen.
Further on the alien contact front, the United Nations will appoint former US president Bill Clinton as spokesman for Earth. The meetings will go poorly as, when asked about the proceedings, the aliens will complain, “We knew we said take us to your leader, …now take us to someone who won’t play grab-ass with our wives.”
In August, a state of emergency will be declared in California when a Britney epidemic strikes. The number of people named Britney in the state will reach a highly toxic 35% of the population.
A popular burger chain will score big with by introducing copious amounts of caffeine, sugar and nicotine into one of its most popular meal selections. The “Way too damn happy meal” will be a big seller in 2009.
In an attempt to put Americans back to work, president Barack Obama will announce the largest make-work project in history. Starting in 2009, Obama will commit the US to tearing down the Rocky Mountains and moving them to Florida.
Again, on the fast food front, “burger wars” will erupt as a result of a fistfight between Ronald McDonald and The Burger King at a beef convention. McDonald’s clown of beef will accuse the King of having a lurid affair with Wendy the rag doll from Wendy’s. The King, not to be out done, reveals sordid details of an alleged same-sex affair between Ronald and the Hamburglar. Armies of burger clowns will battle the forces of burger royalty. Sadly, Mayor McCheese will perish in the ensuing battle.
God the Almighty will once again be a no-show for 2009. Though the search has gone on for some time now, everyone’s favorite benevolent supreme being, who hates gay people, feminists and Muslims will continue to elude fundamental Christians.
A major category 5 hurricane, an earthquake, a giant snowstorm, ensuing avalanche and an erupting volcano will cause two Ebola infected passenger planes to collide with an asteroid and crash into a nuclear power station creating a massive spread of Ebola hemorrhagic fever, a major power blackout and a radio-active wildfire that will be extinguished by a 500 foot tsunami that strikes the US Eastern Seaboard.
And finally, in Hollywood, remakes of old movies will continue to be the craze as, in yet another sequel, has-been action stars Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Bruce Willis will team up to star in the blockbuster Wizard of Oz sequel, a war-action extravaganza entitled, “Die, Munchkin Die: Assault on Oz.”
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