It's funny, so he laughs.
He fills out the prescription for the beta blocker. That's what I've come for anyway. It's the only way to continue taking the drug my heart has come to depend on, forcing me to wake up in the morning thinking only about reaching the bottle in the bathroom--the way I've seen people addicted to recreational drugs do on television.
I look down at the prescription: he's added another daily dosage. Three times a day!
In his plan, I'm to remain the patient. Complacent with the plan. I don't have insurance. I work. Have always worked since I was 14-years old. I teach, but I don't have insurance.
How much did he receive from the pharmaceutical company? From the men in dark suits? There's nothing about me in his/their plan.
One day, I focus on the problem, immediately at hand: I'm still sipping on the Kool Aid if I don't think about this too. The heart is a muscle. Beta blockers slow down irregular and rapid beats. The heart's a muscle. Like the muscles of your arms, legs"
Breath deeply. Exhale. Inhale.
I have a plan, too.
***
Last month. I call the hospital to speak with someone. A patient representative. Again. To vent. My oncologist has a plan. He's said he has a plan. He's not talked with me about this plan. To me, yes. Like, listen, little one, I'm the expert here. I'm the one here who knows.
"Let me see your tongue."
Later, at home, I have to google to see what this is all about.
It's been two years now. He's been training me to quit asking questions. Submit! He's only allotted fifteen-minutes sessions with patients anyway.
The M Protein. The calcium level. I see the results of blood tests online at MyChart and I google. I google to come up with a good diet to lower my intact of calcium. I stopped drinking two bottles of Ensure per day. I don't even buy the product, and I've cut back on cheese.
I'm still not Tom Brokaw.
But I call anyway. I'm used to being in a State/state where to speak out while Black is to be pursued for lock up, or worse. I do understand the risks.
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