What kind of chatter makes a journalists bar interesting? About forty years ago, in a bar in a state known for gambling, a crusty old reporter told about the time he was a rookie who went with the old hands to a bar for a bit of liquid refreshment. The journalist with a "white belt" level of experience got into a lively discussion with a veteran sports reporter about the legendary race horse "Man o' War." The two had differing ways of speculating about the Triple Crown winner that couldn't be settled until the bar tender jumped into the conversation and very emphatically said what the horse would have done under the hypothetical circumstances. When the bar tender was asked "What makes you so certain?," he replied "Because I was his trainer." That, in turn, led the young tenderfoot journalist to a high profile series of freelance articles about horse racing.
Realistically, when the Tribune Tavern opens, we don't expect to find anything that we can use in a query letter to the assignment editor at Scanlon's Magazine, but maybe we will stumble upon a source who can tell us if the "scientists" at the Amalgamated Conspiracy Theory Factory (ACTF) have made any progress on their investigation into the possibility that "they" can use a dormant wifi connection to hack into laptops that are turned off and look at your private photos and read your e-mails.
Speaking of the Amalgamated Conspiracy Theory Factory, we heard a recent radio news story that informed listeners that a recent Pew Research Center effort produced data that indicates that some classic conspiracy theories are gaining new adherents.
If journalists gather at the new Oakland location, maybe we can track down some facts to confirm or deny the rumor we have heard that preliminary work is being done in the Amalgamated Conspiracy Theory Factory's Planning Department to build a wing to house a Conspiracy Theory Hall of Fame museum.
Sometimes when journalists talk among themselves they come up with new story ideas via the "catalyst" phenomenon.
Will the most cynical journalists look at the cheating teachers scandal in Georgia and start to wonder if doctors get commission checks (or free junkets to the Bahamas?) from pharmaceutical companies when they exceed a certain number for prescriptions of a particular medicine.
Most journalists who have spent any time observing humanity in a bar know that President Obama, in his war of words with Kim Jong Un, is rapidly approaching a tough decision that cause bar room brawlers to realize for both leaders it's time to either throw a punch or shut up.
Hunter S. Thompson's philosophy for journalists was "Free lunch, final wisdom, total coverage . . ." and that brings to mind the old question: "How can you tell if someone is a journalist?" The answer: "He is the guy who goes up to the free food, starts shoveling it into his face and, with a mouth full of food, asks: "Where is the Hand Out?'" Hand Outs are prewritten news stories that save lazy journalists (moi?) a lot of time and work.
[Note from the Photo Editor: We used a photo of a bit of artistic decoration from Oakland but not from the one that hasn't opened yet, because we thought that the quaint example, of a nearby establishment's threshold, of art for bars would help set the tone for this column and it gives us a chance to make a literary allusion to the "face on the barroom floor."]
Journalists can only take so much of official BS. How many toasts will be inspired by a society that continues to foreclose large numbers of homes while the local radio urges the listeners to save more money? As an old coworker used to say: "My car payments are driving me to drink."
In issue 111 of Granta magazine, on page 210, Richard Russo wrote: "After World War II, about the same time men stopped wearing hats, women stopped wearing gloves."
Now the disk jockey will play Slayer's "World Painted Blood," the Celtic Cowboys "Kiss My Irish Ass," and a ditty titled "The Alco-hall of Fame." We have to put on our Gonzo disguise and go incognito to cover this new place in Oakland. Have a "there's no "there' there" type of week.
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