Anyway, the answer to your question is quite straightforward, as you'll learn below.
Eligibility for the federal larcen...uh...bonus plan rests upon two major pillars, and you have not met the requirements of either, i.e.: you are simply (a) not rich enough, and (b) far too honest. These inadequacies give you a total score of Plus 9.394 Points. (Understand that in this system Plus is unfavorable, whereas Minus is favorable. Should you have trouble understanding why we do it this way, just ask any lawyer.)
Now, it gets better -- no, no, I mean worse: Your listed occupation: "Teacher, damn fine sax-man, moral example to the youth, and Daddy to Jefferson," is simply too decent; well, you know, it just finds no place in the parameters of reimbursable value-added characteristics or -- oh whatever, you know what I mean.
You need something more solid like, well, Bankster. Or hey, again, Lawyer. Mafia Capo would be good. And we're currently working on a proposal, highly confident that it will be approved for reasons no doubt obvious even to you, to add Congressmen to the eligibility list. (Admittedly, it might favor their case if they stopped screwing around with that socialistic medical tomfoolery and laid on a bit more of that "war on terror" stuff, and spice it up with some more of the "Freedom's On the March!" pitch.) Anyway, your admitted occupation nets you another Plus 10.872 Points, i.e.: unfavorable.
Now, worst of all, in the BONUS POINT category, you get Plus 11.181 Points (that's bad) for your disingenuous Positive Attitude and All-Around Solid Citizenship, which (I need to keep reminding you) is also bad in that it puts our eligible awardees at a perceived disadvantage. Some may consider that good, but, well again, you know how the government works, except of course when it goes into "closed session" only to protect the citizens and to preserve democracy and such.
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