I used to go to bed fully dressed and have my mom make fun of me when I did. I continued to wear boy shirts and clothes buttoned right up and tried to pretend I was a guy. When I got my first period I cried because I knew I could get pregnant now, and I never wanted to have children. I never wanted any little girl to go through what I did. Again my mom made fun of me when I cried. I learn from the time I was 12 to stop crying in front of her. I would purposely make myself angry. I would repeat over and over in my head "get angry don't cry don't let her see you cry." If she could not make me cry she would send me to my room.
From this experience I learned never to show how I was really feeling to anyone I have learned to be a perfectionist and never show anyone if I am having a problem I had to be independent and very self-aware. I have never gone to a therapist. I read a lot of articles and recently made new friends and talked to them but not about everything. The issue of trust was more powerful than my desire to talk about my feelings. I was afraid to let anyone in and apparently I often intimidate women. I come across as confident and unyielding. However, the antithesis is closer to the truth. The truth is I have learned how to hide the scared, confused, and hurt child within. the inner child is still there lost, alone, and crying.
The sexual abuse by a brother may have deeply affected you. Sexual abuse by brothers can be as traumatic as any other act of sexual abuse. You have a right to have your abuse experience be treated as the serious trauma it been for you. You deserve to have people in your life to love, respect, and support you. You are very important. You are worthwhile. You have the will and skills to work through your feelings and become a healthier and happier person.
You can recover from the negative effects your sexual abuse had caused. You have the ability to make the changes in your life that you desire. You can decide who you want to be. With help and support you can work through the pain and shame and reclaim what was always there a brave, creative, worthwhile person. Remember you are a true survivor of sexual abuse.
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