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Life Arts    H3'ed 8/9/11

Book Review: The Foley Follies -- Today's Most Un-Political, Un-Productive, and Totally Hilarious Self-Help Book

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"You are homeless. You are starting off worse than I did. I hope I can help you.

"But for those of you who answered, "No," then, be happy. Although you missed out on the "hitting rock bottom" experience that I just created for some of your fellow Readers, you should be happy because either you don't have roaches, or they're dead. Or you don't have dead violets (that is my interpretation of "violets are through" -- your own interpretation of that line might differ). Or you don't have a one-bedroom; or, if you do, it's not dank. Maybe it's uncomfortably dry? If so, get a humidifier. Your nasal passages are taking an unnecessary beating.

"I am using the Merriam-Webster definition of "dank" as "unpleasantly moist or wet." But the Urban Dictionary <http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?

term=dank> describes "dank" as slang for "sticky, hairy, stinky, and highly potent marijuana."
"That raises an interesting point: Did I create A New Financial Me by selling marijuana? The highly sticky and potent kind? Perhaps, too, the poet (let's not assume anymore that the "I" of the poem is I) is reflecting this by using "sprouts" as a verb, a word that is commonly associated with plants. Is Brian J. Foley advocating that his Readers become pot dealers? No, I am not. But given that marijuana possession of less than one ounce has been decriminalized in Massachusetts, where I am writing this book, mostly in the nude, that is a fair assumption. (I am done writing it now, of course, but I am probably still nude.)

"If you have some dank, please send it my way (less than an ounce). It is not a criminal act. You may incur civil liability (a mere fine, and the police might take away your dank, worth the risk of getting stoned senseless), but you are not a criminal if you smoke dank. You are a pothead.
I think it would be hard to be a pot dealer if you can only have less than an ounce on hand. You would have to keep running back to other dealers who have less than an ounce to get your less than an ounce to sell to people. That starts sounding like a pain. So if you want to be efficient, don't do that. Instead, just break the law, and don't get caught.

"Can you make lots of Money selling drugs? My best source on this is the 1983 movie, Scarface, starring Al Pacino as Tony Montana. That Cuban refugee definitely created A New Financial [Him] when he came to the United States and became a drug dealer.

"Remember, my journey is not your journey. Nor is Tony Montana's journey your journey. So it is irrelevant what "dank" means in the poem. We are talking about your journey here.

"I have kicked you out of my apartment, just for being there, and out of your apartment, possibly for smoking pot. That is one way to interpret today's first step."

Did you get all that?

If you've really applied yourself and followed all the detours and crooked roads to princely wealth set forth in this tome, you're probably hungry and homeless, and

precisely in the right frame of mind to consider the plight of the world's billionaires.

Guru Foley starts off Day 37 (A "Special Bonus" For The Children) with a discussion of "a Forbes article about what sort of parents rear financially successful children."

"Forbes.com ran a story that talked about what the world's billionaires have in common. We already know one thing: they have a lot of Money.
"But this Special Bonus! is for the children who may be reading A New Financial You in 28 Days! A 37-Day Plan. If you are a child and reading this, you are precocious. You are impatient, too impatient to wait for my forthcoming A New Financial You in 28 Days! -- For the Children.
"Well, the early bird gets the worm. But who wants a worm? You want Money.
"The Forbes.com story, "A Recipe for Riches," by Duncan Greenberg

leadership> talked about some common traits among billionaires. One had to do with dropping out of college (good), and another had to do with going to a top business school (Harvard, Penn, Columbia) to receive an M.B.A. (good). That means, "Master of Business Administration." I am not sure how you can get an M.B.A.

without going to college. Were the billionaires able to buy their degrees directly and avoid college? Were the degrees honorary? These billionaires are, after all, billionaires.
"But I decided to write this Special Report! (# 4, to be exact) "for the children," because an important factor in whether a person becomes a billionaire is that his parents have "math-related" careers. Here's what the article says:
"First, a significant percentage of them [billionaires] had parents with a high aptitude for math. The ability to crunch numbers is crucial to becoming a billionaire, and mathematical prowess is hereditary. Some of the most common professions among the parents of Forbes 400 members (for whom we could find the information) were engineer, accountant and small-business owner.
"So, I have advice to you -- advice that Forbes.com seemed unwilling or too ignorant to give you, the children: Make sure your parents have "math-related" careers. If your parents are unemployed, encourage them to go back to school to learn one of these math careers. If any parent refuses, or simply lacks the aptitude, you know what you have to do: Put yourself into foster care with parents who have math careers.
"The following Web site will show you some of the forms that you will need, legally, to get yourself into foster care. These forms are for the state of California, but they are a start. Odds are, you are in California, because it's a pretty big state:
"If your parents become upset, just share with them the link from Forbes.com. They will understand. If they do not, then they do not "share your values," and there is no reason for you to be with them. We are living, after all, in the twenty-first century. We can choose our own destinies. We can choose our own parents. You should

also tell your foster parents to-be that you plan not to go to college. When they realize that adopting you will be "cost-free," and that you will be a thankful billionaire, their math minds, I am sure, will quickly calculate that this is a good bet. This is better than "humanities" parents, who will sit and wring their hands over vague things

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William Fisher has managed economic development programs in the Middle East and elsewhere for the US State Department and the US Agency for International Development. He served in the international affairs area in the Kennedy Administration and now (more...)
 
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