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A. K. P-NESS: The Condition of Being AKP, Turkey's Ruling Islamic Party

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Of surprise only to those who have spent the last seven years at the North Pole watching the polar ice cap melt, the Istanbul agency in charge of next year's culture fest is being charged with corruption. Big money is missing. And, as usual, no one knows what's going on. Bear in mind that this money comes from another sweetheart deal, this one a hosing system that the AKP-controlled parliament approved two years ago. And it's a beauty. Every time a long-suffering Turkish citizen buys gasoline a few kurus are siphoned off to feed the "culture agency. The opposition party, the normally inert CHP, claims that this could amount to 250 million lira a year, adding that it smells a lot like the Deniz Feneri swindle that reaches, according to German Prosecutors, the highest levels of the Turkish government. But in typical AK-Plunder party style that investigation has been delayed, deferred, and otherwise quashed. But one thing remains absolutely clear; when the public's money goes missing, the AK Plunder-party is involved. Playing with ErdoÄŸan's immortal words uttered in Davos: AKP, about plunder, you know stealing very well.

Beyond money, what has also gone missing is brainpower. It seems that the centerpiece "cultural project focuses on yet another p-word: the penis. In particular, the penis of Prince Mehmet who had his prepuce removed to great and long acclaim in 1582. The prince's father was Murad III, whose reign was described in My Name is Red, the book by the relentlessly self-promoting Turkish author, Orhan Pamuk, another P-word. Pamuk also got money from the culture agency "750,000 lira. Pamuk will use the money to open a museum "the Innocence Museum "the name of his latest book. For certain, connected and cooperative Turks, the rich get richer. And Ya...Ÿar Kemal, Turkey's greatest writer gets exactly what?

It seems that back in the good old days of 1582, the celebration for paring the prince's prepuce lasted a record 52 days (some sources say 55, but who's counting). By any measure, that's a long time to celebrate a teeny-tiny piece of skin from a wee pup of a boy. Moreover, it seems a rather weird event to play such a huge role in any representation of Turkish culture, even by rock-bottom AKP standards. But maybe I'm missing something. Of course, there was much pomp associated with the prince's penis, considering where it came from and who it emulated, that is, the sultan and the sultan's. (The boy's mother seems to have played an uncredited role in the original production.) In this case, certainly pomp is important. Just examine politics and politicians for example (two more P-words). Thus one should pay notice to, and take heed of, the various and sundry processions, gift presentations, and celebratory performances that lasted so long. All this will be staged and dramatized, animated and filmed, documented and published. It will be like living in the 16th century, precisely where the AKP is bringing the country. In a somewhat penetrating article, the Turkish Daily News reported that the cultural commission's project about the princely penis would not last the full 52 days. Instead, it would be a "shortened performance. Indeed. Whether this wording was meant to be tongue-in-cheek was not immediately apparent. Nevertheless, even the "shortened re-creation of Mehmet's circumcision ceremony is estimated to cost Turkish automobile drivers 12 million lira. And that's a whopper of a resurrection.

All of this sent me scurrying to my archives to find how some costs might be cut. Perhaps the actual cutting scene can be cut? Perhaps a cast member can be cut? Perhaps? Perhaps? I leave the reader to judge. As luck would have it, right next to my Atatà rk biography by Andrew Mango, I found my copy of Jarrahiya Ilhaniye a tome about royal surgery by 15th century surgeon Serafeddin Sabuncuoğlu. It deals with everything one would want to know about Ottoman surgical techniques, particularly as applied to circumcision, more sharply applied to Prince Mehmet. I have read the details of the actual procedure. It might be sufficient to just peruse the following and decide for yourselves whether this event is worth all the time and millions.

The author, Dr. SabuncuoÄŸlu, suggests a scissor with slightly curved blade tips. He also recommends that two ligations be made for health and safety. No argument from me. He advises that "the surgeon cut the perpetual skin between the ligatures so that there will be no flow of blood and the glans won't be wounded. Again, this sounded like good advice to me. But then he began to discuss a complication that often occurs. Oh-oh, I hate complications, particularly"well". Okay, it's about"never mind, I'll let the doctor tell the story*"

(Note: The bold-faced comments in brackets are mine and were recorded on a listening device in the prime minister's office while I was reading Dr. SabuncuoÄŸlu's book. I thank the prime ministry for the use of the tape. Such understanding people.)

"If a part or whole layer of the foreskin slips from your hand [YIKES!], SabuncuoÄŸlu cautioned, "and is inverted during the operation [INVERTED? HOW"? LET ME OUT OF HERE!] draw it out immediately with a hook or a crochet [A HOOK? OH MAMA! ANNE! Ä degreesMDAT!] and make your incision before the place swells. [WHAT INCISION? WHAT PLACE? WHAT SWELLS?]

SabuncuoÄŸlu seems unusually calm about such things. He adds, "If you fail to do this, let it be. [LET IT BE? WHAT KIND OF A DOCTOR ARE YOU?].

Not to worry says SabuncuoÄŸlu. [I'M WORRIED! I'M WORRIED! IT'S MY PENIS FOR ALLAH'S SAKE!] "Allow the swollen part to subside, and then gently peel the skin. [SUBSIDE? WHAT AM I? A PATLACAN? PATLICAN MIYIM?].

"Be careful not to cut the tip of the penis, warns the doctor, "but if it is cut there is no harm done. [EASY FOR HIM TO SAY! ALLAH KAHRETSÄ degreesN! HE SOUNDS LIKE ERDOÄžAN AND HIS TEÄžET ECONOMIC POLICY!]

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James (Cem)Ryan is a writer living in Istanbul, Turkey. A graduate of the United States Military Academy at West Point, he has a MFA from Columbia University.

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A. K. P-NESS: The Condition of Being AKP, Turkey's Ruling Islamic Party

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