Doozy: Once again, Kneel, it looks like Umpire Bark is right on top of this. He's telling O'Bama he's going to have to allow at least five Herring players in the Streaks' dugout. And boy, O'Bama does not look happy about it! I mean, he's not saying or doing anything about it, but he sure looks unhappy...
Kabuki: Trust me, those negative expressions are not lost on the umpire, Sieve. Bark's started gyrating around wildly and tearing at the turf with his cleats, throwing infield dirt and divots all over O'Bama. Now he's thrown himself down on the infield and is keening like an Irish widow. He looks like he might even... Oh, there it is, Sieve, did you see it? O'Bama just shot the sobbing, prostrate umpire a disdainful, elitist look. I'm afraid he'll have to be tossed from the game for that, Sieve.
Doozy: And rightfully so. He probably should be banned from the game for life, or even longer. In fact, how do we know he's even eligible to be a Major League manager, anyway? I know he claims to have been a player at one time, but has anyone ever actually seen a baseball card with his picture on it? What exactly is O'Bama hiding, that's my question. SHOW US YOUR ROOKIE CARD, MR. O'BAMA!!
Kabuki: Well, now that O'Bama's likely been banned-for-life from Major League Baseball, it looks like "Slidin' Joe Biden will be taking over as acting manager. No telling what'll happen now...
Doozy: Excuse me, Kneel, but our producer tells me that with all our incisive and unbiased commentary we've forgotten to report what's happening down on the diamond...
Kabuki: Point taken, Sieve. Here comes Balkus's next pitch. The batter swings and misses, strike four. That'll bring up a full count: one ball and four strikes. Now the hitter, Chuck Gasbag, steps out of the batter's box; he's taking a sack of something out of his pocket - chicken manure, it looks like - and he's dumping it all over home plate. Now he's taken off one shoe, handed it to the umpire, and stepped over to the other side of the plate to bat left handed.
Doozy: That's not a normal thing to see, is it Kneel? A batter switch-hitting in the middle of an at bat, I mean?
Kabuki: Actually, that's one of Gasbag's trademarks. That and losing track of what game he's in...
Doozy: Here's the windup, and the... Oh, now you don't see that everyday. It looks like Balkus stepped off the rubber, stuck the ball completely into his mouth, took it out again with his dentures clamped around it and threw the whole thing over the top of the backstop. The ump's gonna have to call a balk, interference, and a wild pitch on that, I'm afraid. All three base runners are gonna be allowed to score on that unfortunate gaffe.
Kabuki: It'll be interesting to see if Balkus looses his composure here. So far, he's maintained the same unflappable Cheshire Cat smile throughout the inning, almost as if he knows something we don't.
Doozy: Here comes the delivery to Gasbag. Oh, it looks like the pitch hit him. Yep, the ump's waving him down to first base. Let's take a look at that one on the replay, Kneel. Yeh, there it is, the ball hit him square in middle of his 26 wide inflatable batting-belly.
Kabuki: And there's a perfect illustration of why the Red Herrings' manager, John "Puzzlewit" Brainer requires his players to wear those things every time they come to the plate - when worn properly they take up nearly the entire strike zone. Even so, you gotta give Gasbag credit for hanging in there on that pitch and taking one for the team...
Doozy: That'll bring up Red Herring center fielder, Dick Smarmey.
Kabuki: You know, Sieve, Smarmey was one of the first players in the league to take advantage of the new regulation deregulating the size of bats. And as all baseball fans should know by now, deregulation means more and better choices for everyone, especially indiscriminate sluggers like Dick Smarmey.
Doozy: That's true, Kneel. That's why Smarmey chose to trade in his old 34 Louisville Slugger for a 79 long Darth Maul Titanium-Core Deathclub.
Kabuki: Let's see how Big Dick wields that Deathclub against the enemies of liberty and democracy out there in the field, Sieve. I know that all the fans who love and respect this game the way we do will be rooting for him to pulverize, dismember, and decapitate anyone who stands in his way...
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