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Size matters; penis study shows U.S. Presidents hung like Clydesdales

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The Department of Health and Human Services commissioned a study from the Human Biology Association to provide a snapshot of the magnitude of the United States' First Endowments Over the Years.

William R. Leonard is president of the HBA and said the study determined that, "No doubt due in large part to the hubris it takes to, successfully, aspire to the highest office in the land, nearly every chief executive the nation has known has bore a big, if not flat-out porn star-magnitude, johnson," the Northwestern University anthropology professor announced of our traditionally and almost invariably well-hung leaders.

As the first African American president, Barack Obama said he is both proud and reluctant to say, indeed, his willy does fit the stereotypical perception of black men's penises.  With wife Michelle at his side wearing what can only be described as a sh*t-eating grinning, President Obama announced his "penis, when standing at full attention, is a bit longer than 14 inches."

As part of President Obama's commitment to leading a truly transparent administration the long-time, indeed as old as the country, intimate data collection was revealed along with the HBA study conclusions.

William Howard Taft, the 27th President (1909-1913; and Supreme Court Chief Justice from 1921-1930), holds the title of most massive penis, but that was clearly a result of his all-around girth; the 6-foot Yale graduate weighed in at 335 pounds.  "It seems the man toted a Halloween Pumpkin in his shorts everywhere he went," snickered Leonard.

Perhaps it is surprising that the longest penis to ever occupy the Oval Office was attached to a one-termer, 39th President Jimmy Carter.  When "excited" the Georgia peanut farmer measured up, and out, to 19 inches long.

"Maybe, had he moonlighted as a triple-X film star," Leonard quipped, "Carter would have gotten that second term.  Instead he lost to professional actor Ronald Reagan who was merely, relatively speaking, 10 and a half inches long.

Michael Beschloss, Presidential Historian and motivational speaker, said he was more surprised to learn such records were kept than to learn of the consistent presidential long dongs.

"Who knew they had any such records, let alone dating all the way back to Gen. '13-incher' George Washington? The Big Daddy of our nation, I guess." said Beschloss, author of such books as The Conquerors: Roosevelt, Truman and the Destruction of Hitler's Germany, 1941-1945 and The Crisis Years: Kennedy and Khrushchev, 1960-1963.  "It makes perfect sense, though.  I mean, wouldn't you sort of assume any man who rose to the most powerful position in the world, don't you figure he'd be huge?"

The 41st President George H.W. Bush, at 13 hard inches, was hung like a U.S. president.  Genes come from both sides, though, and wife Barbara Bush must not have brought much to the table of those contents, because they produced the only president under 10 inches.  

"For George W. Bush to make it to President of the U.S. of A., at a pedestrian 4 inches schlong; erect?" Beschloss sadly pondered.  "'The Star-Spangled Banner' doesn't sound so patriotic when I think about that penis."


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