Nouri and Mahmoud
As he sprints to the finnish of the 100 metre dash at the Beijing Olympics, George Bush is about to kill 2 birds, Barack Obama and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad with 1 slingshot and 1 stone. Not since St. Paul helped stone Stephen Martyr to death for supporting Jesus Christ has a warrior so forgotten the element of surprise.
The surprise in store for us all is that on November 4, 2008, the United States of America will be at war with Iran for sure, and possibly in the middle of the Apocalypse. Not to mention the epidemic of chapped lips caused by climate change, the bears are now fleeing the forest because of the black flys and the polar bears are now forced to eat their young.
In case you missed the news that 1 billion people are about to starve to death because we are now about to put their food into out gas tanks, you’re welcome.
George Bush will now do his Menachem Begin impersonation and bomb Iran back to the stone ages. As one sixth of the earth’s population goes without food or water today, not 100 years from now, the American people are obsessing over what Michelle Obama meant when she said that for the first time in her life she is really proud to be an American. Americans, not used to honesty from their politicians naturally look at Michelle with skepticism. Not only is John McCain draping himself in the flag on the podium, but he has now switched to Charmin’s Ultra Strong American Flag toilet paper. Which species chops down forests to cleanse themselves? Even monkeys know to use the leaves.
Time is of the essence for George Bush to unleash his permanent radioactive poison upon the Middle East. This is because his term is running out in 6 months, and also because his favorite scapegoat Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s term is running out at the beginning of the new year, and he may lose the upcoming Iranian presidential election. Even with oil at $135 a barrel of monkeys, Mahmoud’s mismanagement of the economy has Iran’s inflation rate at 35%. The American inflation rate is also 35%, but you don’t know it because our leaders removed increases in the price of gasoline, food, toilet paer, rice krispies, and rugelach from the consumer price index.
Our big spending Republican leaders have deflated the true inflation number because when inflation rises, interest rates rise and if the United States is forced into paying 20% interest on the 10 trillion dollars worth of debt (a tax on the children and grandchildren by a different name, without Republicans using the T word) they have run up since Democrat Bill Clinton had the country in a surplus, Hu Jintao and Saudi King Abdullah will own not only your ports and banks, but your house too.
George Bush invaded Iraq to steal the Iraqi oil. Unfortunately, President Bush has handed the oil rich Basra region of southern Iraq to Iran. Foresight is not our President’s strong suit. Therefore, George Bush feels that the only way to capture the Middle East oil now is to conquer Iran. On November 4, 2008, when we go to the polls, we will be at war with Iran, and the choice in many of our primitive racist heads will be whether to vote for a white experienced war hero or a skinny NBA wannabe. Never mind that the war hero got us into this mess and the hoops star warned us not to invade Iraq. Unfortunately the American people have an extremely poor track record, having elected an alcoholic lying deserter twice.
When God of Mount Sinai, aka God the Father, The Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ, Allah, Yehovah, Elohim carved the rules into stone 3,200 years ago next Friday, he carved that if the people murdered our components, air, water and earth by poisoning them to death, and if we murdered each other and if we lied and stole from each other, that he would punish us and our children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. The God of Christianity, Islam and Judaism visits the sins of the parents upon the children.
Today we are all paying for the mistakes of George Bush, John McCain and the Republican party, which has still not really discovered global warming. According to John McCain the surge is working. Is he reefering to the surge into Iran? Right now the distinction between John McCain and Barack Obama is that John McCain stands for endless war and Barack Obama stands for peace and ending the Iraq War. How will Barack Obama be able to call for a removal of our troops from Iraq when they are in the middle of a war with Iran and possibly their backers Russia and China?
George Bush is an ardent sports fan, having purchased the Texas Rangers with the backing of the Bin Laden family. This was why the Rangers replaced their baseball caps with Kafiyahs on April 21, 1989. Then commissioner of major league baseball Peter Ueberroth pushed the sale to Bush through before his term as commissioner expired at the end of 1989.
George Bush is going to the Beijing Olympics from August 8 to August 24, 2008. Therefore he will not launch Armageddon before then. The Presidential election is November 4, 2008. Therefore, Iran will be nuked in September or October of this year, and the wind on the one tiny ball named earth will blow the nuclear cloud onto Saint Paul, Minnesota. The Republican Convention is Sept. 1 to Sept. 4, 2008. Will George Bush and John McCain, in their embracing bear hug pose, plaster a picture of the young John McCain, the Brad Pitt war hero lookalike on the screen of the Xcel Energy Center side by side with the video of Jeremiah Wright screaming to the crowd whipped by war fever, “God Damn America for killing innocent people!” Isn’t that what Jesus carved in stone?
Jesus Christ accused people of straining at gnats while swallowing camels whole. Last Sunday at New York’s Carl Icahn Stadium, Jamaican Usain Bolt became the fastest man in the world by breaking the world record in the 100 meter dash by two one hundredths of a second better than the previous record held by his compatriot Asafa Powell. The Mayan Calendar comes to an end on Dec. 21, 2012, at which point our sun will be aligned with the center of the Milky Way for the first time in 26,000 years. George Bush said, “When I was growing up I wanted to be Willie Mays. I never dreamed about being President.” Michael Jackson dreamed of being Celine Dion. Martin Luther King had a dream, and it isn’t going to happen without the help of Vladimir Putin, who is calling for sanctions against Iran for enriching uranium for Hamas and Hezbollah as he builds the Iranian nuclear power plant in Bushehr, Iran. Oh what a tangled web we weave, said the spider to the Zohan.