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Airway Lords, Ham-Bones and Fire Hydrants

By       Message Jim Gries     Permalink

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Rush, the "Egotistically Inspired Bloviator (EIB)", Limbaugh, Ed "let's get to work" Schultz, Bill "no spin" O'Really, Chris "wet pant leg" Mathews, and your own favorite local talk show wannabe, are all dues paying members of the Fraternal Order Of Airway Lords, otherwise known as the FOOALs. These "all about me" political animals make their living by roaming the political barnyards of America. On any given day you'll find them with their noses deep inside the latest pile of hot political dung (there's no shortage) in search of the latest/hottest political gotcha kernel. These "I gotcha" kernels are the mother's milk of their daily radio and TV talk shows. They are the munchies, or daily ham-bones that are served up to their "I'm all ears" puppy dogs, who have an almost religious daily routine of dialing up their favorite FOOAL's show to consume their favorite airway lord's diatribe. It doesn't matter which political party, or which wing of the party you inhabit, the FOOALS know what you like, and know serving it up on a golden political platter will keep you coming back for more. They surround themselves with a cast of handpicked expert guests, that are trained as well in their canned responses to questions posed by the FOOALs. How my parents and grandparents ever cast an informed vote without these FOOALs is beyond me.

Anyway, the daily routine begins when the FOOALs ride in on their supercharged intro music, my God in some cases you would think the second coming of Jesus was at hand. They welcome you to their show, and soon unwrap their latest hot political kernel, by saying have you heard the latest. The sound bite 24 moment is at hand, and soon morphs into a ten minute rant explaining why the other side isn't mentally equipped to take on the task/s at hand. Once the kernel has been sufficiently spun to their liking, and their egos adequately massaged by puppy dog amens from the call in crowd, the FOOALs have the much anticipated "out of body" moment and lose complete control. It is the predictable call to arms charge the puppy dogs have all been anticipating. The "you and me" who have it right crowd are encouraged to line up against the "them and theirs" who are left out in the dark crowd. It is the "us versus them" moment; you versus your neighbor, the point a finger of blame, call your neighbor a name solution is at hand. Rising to their hind legs, the puppies add fuel to the fire by reciting amen's in unison; they know the drill well. After a few ritualistic minutes the puppies receive their daily ham-bones, and with it firmly locked between their clinched teeth, they depart with talking points indelibly etched. Like the running of the bulls, the puppies scamper off to their respective neighborhoods. The first thing they do is put the neighborhood on notice by raising their leg, and marking the neighborhood fire hydrant. Once marked, they begin parroting the just consumed "Tokyo Rose" bravado to their families, their neighbors, their friends, or anyone else who'll listen. God forbid, normal people like you or me do something ham-boneish, like raise a rational voice, or question one of their airway Gestapo's statements; why that would be un-patriotic, un-called for, and of course under the patriot act, un-American. You could find yourself in front of a military tribunal, and may even be sent off to a wonderful 5 star like Abu Ghraib; habeas corpus be damned!

You've been given ample warning, so consider this to be your "FOOAL ALERT", if there hasn't been a fire hydrant party in your neighborhood yet, one will be coming soon. Just remember this, the next time you see a group of puppy dogs bearing their teeth, clinching a ham-bone, holding up an "I love my FOOAL" sign, and surrounding a fire hydrant in your neighborhood -- You have a duty to call law enforcement; your fellow Americans have been taken hostage, and are being denied the pleasure of an independent thought process.

One final question; Was America better off or worse off, before these FOOALs showed up? Help us send a real message:

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15 times certified grandparent, whose committed the rest of my productive years to raising the Social Security issue to the level it deserves; help us rebuild the generational bridges that this program has destroyed

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