(Editor's note. It's been some time since I heard anything from conspiracy theorist extraordinaire Tim Foil, author of "Saturday Night Holocaust - How Hitler Invented Disco," exposer of the Easter Bunny as a communist and Cookie Monster as JFK's actual assassin, and baker of one mean lizard boom fudge. I was about to email him when I got this weird note in the mail. I'm pretty sure it's him, but I can't be sure about his current mental state. All the same, I am bound to report on the good and the bad, so here is Tim Foil on Christmas.)
The mass media of the imperialistic American machine is happy to lie to the American people time and time again. We have been lied to by our teachers, our preachers, our Presidents, even our own eyes. Watergate, JFK, Pearl Harbor, McDonalds - all deceptions carried out to create business opportunities for the oligarchs that rule America in open secret, and also the world, which they spend half their time trying to conquer even though they rule it already.
But no deception is more insidious than that of Christmas figurehead Santa Claus - aka Saint Nicholas.
Santa Claus is a satanic robot, sent to rob you blind in the night.
His sleigh is pulled by things that would normally be circling the throne of *z*th*th, but disguised as charming reindeer. Only the evil red nose of the one in front -- actually an eye -- stands testament to the true horror of what runs loose Christmas Eve.
What does Santa do? Keeps tabs on us all for the world government. Interpol, FBI, Scotland Yard, KBG all use his wide network of spying little alien elves to watch us, one and all. It's not enough to have cameras in our toilet bowls or rewire street people as receivers for space crickets, they need the network.
Without the network it ends.
I have tried to warn the American people about the evil. I have bricked up my chimney and taped up my windows. I have warned off christmas carolers with a shotgun, leading to my recent arrest and urogenital surgery/explorations/ conducted on the UFO. I have run naked through the streets of Boston to show off the invisible scars and knock over the Salvation Army spy equipment bellringers people so they can't report back to the elves on shelves, all watching the children be innocent and smiling and not being what they want which is not what we are. We are not what we are in the future they bring and I have tried to warn them I have I have I have.
Without the network they are lost.
Unplug the elves on the shelves and the christmas trees. Tear down the icons of the evil man. Blow up the malls where they hide. Evil lurking under the sky, watching with the burning red eye of the ghost train, round and round, everywhere at once like the burning trilobed eye of ny*rl*th*t*p, watching watching watching...
My god, the chimney! The chimney!
Good night and a merry christmas to you, Tim Foil - wherever you are.
