By Jackson Thoreau
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Rep. Marilyn Musgrave, author of the Federal Marriage Amendment, plans to introduce companion legislation in Congress called the Federal Right-Handed Amendment in the near future.
"For too long, honest Americans have sat back and let left-handed people run roughshod over the majority, the right-thinking, right-handed Americans," said Musgrave, a Colorado Republican. "For instance, many of our public schools have been forced by left-wing judges to waste precious funds on special left-handed desks. And left-handed people are always trying to trick us in baseball by batting from the wrong side of the plate."
Furthermore, the Bible itself contains more than 100 favorable references to the right hand and more than 20 unfavorable references to the left hand, Musgrave added. "Everyone knows that the left side is evil and the side of the Devil, while the right side is blessed by God and Jesus Christ. Those on the right side inherit the kingdom of God, while those on the left depart into the everlasting fire," she said. "It's time we put an end to coddling these wicked left-handers. We need a Constitutional amendment that stands up for the rights of the majority, the right-handed people who built this country."
The amendment would ban federal benefits such as Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare to Americans who "write, eat, bat, or do any major activity" with their left hand. People who are seen in public violating the law could also face arrest and up to a $10,000 fine and six months in prison.
When asked if the illicit activity included picking one's nose and masturbating, Musgrave said that would be up to local authorities. "We want to leave some leeway and discretion," she said. "If a person has lost his or her right arm and can only eat with the left arm, that might be acceptable. After all, we don't want to be total cold-hearted nazis, here. But this is a nation that was founded on sound, right-handed principles by right-handed leaders, and we need to secure those principles or we will surely lose them to the leftists around us."
When asked how she knew that all American founders were right-handed, Musgrave replied, "That's what my preacher always said. And he wouldn't lie to me."
When told that Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and Sam Adams, among others, were left-handed, Musgrave looked at the reporter like she wanted to banish him to the "everlasting fire" and said, "You must be left-handed yourself. It takes one to know one."
The amendment could violate federal equal protection
laws that are already on the books, said Joe "Lefty" Hoodwinkle,
president of the American Left-Handed Alliance, a Washington, D.C.-based
organization that advocates for left-handed people.
"To use the Constitution to discriminate against a minority of Americans is antithetical to the foundations and beliefs of our Republic," said Hoodwinkle, who sported a button on his shirt that read, "Lefties Do It With Both Hands." "The Constitution has historically increased freedom and equality. This amendment, along with its companion bill targeting gays and lesbians, would put discrimination back into our Constitution. Its part of the vast, right-wing conspiracy gone amok that the Clintons always warned us about."
Musgrave said that her "righteous" bill has 110 co-sponsors on Capitol Hill, including some "former left-handed colleagues who have chosen to correct the errors of their pasts." One of them, Maine Republican Sen. Olympia Snowe, said she underwent a 12-step program sponsored by the American Freedom Foundation to "eradicate my left-handed addiction." Besides Musgrave, the Washington, D.C.-based conservative education and lobbying groups board members include such heavyweights as Ann "The Dominatrix" Coulter and Bill "The Submissive" Bennett.
"I admit I made some poor choices in my past," Snowe said. "I learned that, contrary to what they teach in most medical schools, my being left-handed was not due to genetics. I chose to write with my left hand in my youth just to rebel against my parents and society in general. And I have to tell my parents and society, 'I'm sorry for the harm I caused. I have seen the light.'"
Other prominent former left-handers who have converted throughout the years included former Presidents Ron Reagan, George Bush Sr., and Gerald Ford, evangelist Pat Robertson, comedian Jerry Seinfeld, television journalist Ted Koppel, and actor Sylvester Stallone, Musgrave said. "We worked for many years to convert John F. Kennedy, and he refused to go along," she said. "And look what happened to him."
While left-handed people only comprise about 11 percent of Americans, the group has some political clout, Hoodwinkle said. "We plan to fight this hard. We are already lobbying former President Clinton and other prominent left-handers for their support," he said. "They might have the numbers, but we have learned how to hit back with both hands in this right-wing dominated country."
Asked if he still believed that being left-handed was primarily due to genetics, Hoodwinkle sneered, "With all the right-handed bigots out there harassing us, beating us up, discriminating against us in public buildings and jobs, meeting in their churches to dream up campaigns against us, praying that we die horrible deaths, and targeting us with unfair laws, do you really think we would choose to be left-handed? We may be left-handed, but we're not stupid."
President Bush Jr., a life-long right-hander, said he was "furiositily" studying the issue between his video-game sessions and powwows to think up funny nicknames for foreign leaders he meets.
"I always thought there was some weird, strategicarical reason why Papa threw a baseball with his left hand. I was sure glad when he converted to the right side," Bush said, squinting hard. "Now, it may have been that the Communist liberals who taught Papa in school forced him to be that way. Maybe we should hunt those liberals down like al Qaeda and try them for treason."
Many right-handed advocates have lobbied for wording in the proposed amendment that would banish those left-handers who refuse to become right-handed to another country.
"It would be three strikes and you're out," said Enema Phobia, general counsel of Concerned Right-Handers for America, another Washington-based advocacy organization. "If you're convicted of violating the left-handed law three times, you are banished from our great nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all right-handed Americans. Remember, the Devil is left-handed, and witches like Joan of Arc were left-handed."
According to a recent ABC News/Washington Post poll, 58 percent of Americans opposed a Constitutional amendment making it illegal to be left-handed. Some 30 percent supported the measure, while 10 percent were undecided and 2 percent "just don't give a sh*t."
But a recent Fox News/Washington Times poll found that 110 percent of Americans supported the amendment and minus 10 percent opposed it. The "just don't give a sh*t" option was not allowed in that poll, leading some experts to question its scientific validity.
Deion Jones, 38, a right-handed, Arlington, Va., sanitation engineer, said he usually only uses his right hand to throw trash in the garbage trucks, anyway.
"A few of the guys use their left hands, as well, to chunk the bags," Jones said. "I'm a tolerant dude, man. I don't mind working alongside those people, just as long as they don't try to convert me over to their perverted side, y'know what I'm saying?"
Clayton Frazier, 44, a left-handed Arlington sanitation engineer, said he would be lobbying his Congress representatives to vote against the proposed amendment.
"It's just pathetic that with so many problems these days things like terrorism, the Iraqi disaster, the poor economy, 44 million Americans without health insurance, homelessness and poverty rising - that certain Republican leaders think the most important thing they can do is to stop left-handed people from doing what comes naturally," Frazier said. "I don't plan to stop using my left hand - I don't care how many damn laws they pass."
"You going to wind up in the Big House," laughed Jones, punching Frazier in his left arm. "And you know what they say: Everyone's left-handed in prison, whether they start that way or not."
Jackson Thoreau is a Washington, D.C.-based writer and co-author of We Will Not Get Over It: Restoring a Legitimate White House. The 120,000-word electronic book can be downloaded on his Internet site at http://www.geocities.com/jacksonthor/ebook.html. He can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.