WASHINGTON, D.C. - Rep. Marilyn Musgrave, author of the Federal Marriage Amendment, plans to introduce companion legislation in Congress called the Federal Right-Handed Amendment in the near future.

"For too long, honest Americans have sat back and let left-handed people run roughshod over the majority, the right-thinking, right-handed Americans," said Musgrave, a Colorado Republican. "For instance, many of our public schools have been forced by left-wing judges to waste precious funds on special left-handed desks. And left-handed people are always trying to trick us in baseball by batting from the wrong side of the plate."

The amendment would ban federal benefits such as Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare to Americans who "write, eat, bat, or do any major activity" with their left hand. People who are seen in public violating the law could also face arrest and up to a $10,000 fine and six months in prison.

When told that Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and Sam Adams, among others, were left-handed, Musgrave looked at the reporter like she wanted to banish him to the "everlasting fire" and said, "You must be left-handed yourself. It takes one to know one."

The amendment could violate federal equal protection laws that are already on the books, said Joe "Lefty" Hoodwinkle, president of the American Left-Handed Alliance, a Washington, D.C.-based organization that advocates for left-handed people.
"To use the Constitution to discriminate against a minority of Americans is antithetical to the foundations and beliefs of our Republic," said Hoodwinkle, who sported a button on his shirt that read, "Lefties Do It With Both Hands." "The Constitution has historically increased freedom and equality. This amendment, along with its companion bill targeting gays and lesbians, would put discrimination back into our Constitution. Its part of the vast, right-wing conspiracy gone amok that the Clintons always warned us about."

Musgrave said that her "righteous" bill has 110 co-sponsors on Capitol Hill, including some "former left-handed colleagues who have chosen to correct the errors of their pasts." One of them, Maine Republican Sen. Olympia Snowe, said she underwent a 12-step program sponsored by the American Freedom Foundation to "eradicate my left-handed addiction." Besides Musgrave, the Washington, D.C.-based conservative education and lobbying groups board members include such heavyweights as Ann "The Dominatrix" Coulter and Bill "The Submissive" Bennett.

Other prominent former left-handers who have converted throughout the years included former Presidents Ron Reagan, George Bush Sr., and Gerald Ford, evangelist Pat Robertson, comedian Jerry Seinfeld, television journalist Ted Koppel, and actor Sylvester Stallone, Musgrave said. "We worked for many years to convert John F. Kennedy, and he refused to go along," she said. "And look what happened to him."

While left-handed people only comprise about 11 percent of Americans, the group has some political clout, Hoodwinkle said. "We plan to fight this hard. We are already lobbying former President Clinton and other prominent left-handers for their support," he said. "They might have the numbers, but we have learned how to hit back with both hands in this right-wing dominated country."

President Bush Jr., a life-long right-hander, said he was "furiositily" studying the issue between his video-game sessions and powwows to think up funny nicknames for foreign leaders he meets.

"I always thought there was some weird, strategicarical reason why Papa threw a baseball with his left hand. I was sure glad when he converted to the right side," Bush said, squinting hard. "Now, it may have been that the Communist liberals who taught Papa in school forced him to be that way. Maybe we should hunt those liberals down like al Qaeda and try them for treason."

Many right-handed advocates have lobbied for wording in the proposed amendment that would banish those left-handers who refuse to become right-handed to another country.

Deion Jones, 38, a right-handed, Arlington, Va., sanitation engineer, said he usually only uses his right hand to throw trash in the garbage trucks, anyway.

Clayton Frazier, 44, a left-handed Arlington sanitation engineer, said he would be lobbying his Congress representatives to vote against the proposed amendment.