By Stan Sinberg

My name is George W. Bush, and I approved this message.

Well, of course I did. I mean, I'm giving it, aren't I? It'd be a little silly to give a speech and not approve it. Heh-heh. Heh-heh-heh.

Hey, did'ja ever notice that when I laugh I sound like one of those guys in the old 'Beavis and Butthead' cartoons?

Some people ask: why do I deserve to be re-elected? As I'm fond of saying, results matter. And just look at the results so far. minus one million jobs created, created a four hundred billion dollar deficit, most of the world hates us. But the job isn't finished. A lot remains to be done. I need to be re-elected so that we can have minus TWO million jobs created, an EIGHT hundred billion dollar deficit, and the WHOLE world hating us.

Heh-heh. Heh-heh heh. I'm just kidding. You should re-elect me because you want a President with cojones. And I have the cojones to run for re-election on that record! So you know they're BIG!

What else have we accomplished? Iraq is a democracy, if you don't count everything west of Baghdad. Afghanistan is a democracy, as long as you don't live there. We've taken science out of the hands of the secularists where "anything goes," and turned it back over to the entity that created science in the first place, God. We've protected thousands of stem cells from being sacrificed against their will. We've left no child behind, although about thirty-five states wish we did.

And the things that I haven't fixed yet? Well, I have a plan.

That's right. A plan. I have a plan to fix what's wrong with America. Doesn'

t that sound impressive? "Plan." Such a simple, meat-and-potatoes word. A "roll-up-the-sleeves-and-get-under-the-hood" word. That's about as specific as I can get with this plan, because frankly, I don't know it. Off the record? I actually doubt we have one. But hey, I didn't even know we changed our position on global warming until a New York Times reporter asked me

about it. Let's take a look for a moment at my opponents. Who are

the people who oppose us? Quite simply, those are the people who PAY ATTENTION. They "read," and they "think," and they're "knowledgeable."

(Crowd: Hiss! Hiss!) They think they know better than you, just because they 're "informed." Are those the kinds of elitist folks you want running your country? (Crowd: No! No!) People who get their information from the liberal media? (Crowd: Kill the media!) Or do you want someone who doesn't read, isn 't paralyzed by nuance, and acts from the gut, rather than the facts?

(Crowd: That one! That one!)

Speaking of my opponent, I don't know what John Kerry did or didn't do in Vietnam. But I can assure you this: I never "cut and run" in Vietnam. I never shot anyone in Vietnam in the back. And I never earned any Purple Hearts under false pretenses!

But in the end, there's one reason you must elect me to continue to be your President. Because I've made you safer. Safer. We're safer.

Safer. Safer. Safer. Safer. Safer. Safer. Safer. Safer. Safer. Safer. Safer.

Safer. Safer. Safer. Safer. We're safer. Safer. World is safer. Safer.

Safer. You're safer. Safer. Safer. Safer. Safer. You are getting sleepy: you believe we are safer. Safer. Safer. We're safer. Safer. If I keep saying it enough, you'll start nodding your head. Safer. Safer. Safer. There you go.

Keep nodding. Safer. Safer. Did I mention we're safer? Yes. You're safe.

Yes, you are.

Lullaby-yyyye, and good ni-igght, go to sleep, little nation.

Feel better now? Good. So remember: Re-elect me and Dick Cheney:

Because in four years, WE COULD ONLY DO SO MUCH!

Email: stan@stansinberg.com