Blaming the Victim (satire)

Blaming the Victim (Satire)

By Stan Sinberg

News item: Falling far short of all predictions, only 32,000 jobs were added to the economy in July, a blow to President Bush’s re-election campaign.

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The Bush Administration today blamed the abysmal job creation numbers on Democrats and liberals.

“These people will do anything to prevent President Bush from winning a second term,” press secretary Scott McClelland said today, “Including intentionally not finding a job until after the election.”

McClelland added, “The Bush-haters know that a robust job recovery is part of the President’s plan to get America to ‘turn the corner,’ so they are purposely undermining this plan by staying out of work.

“You have no idea how many out-of-work liberals have come up to me and said, privately, ‘Scott, I’ve been turning down great job offers left and right because I’m determined to barely subsist until November 2, because it’ll make George Bush look bad.

“I tell you, there is no end to their nefariousness.”

And the Democrats who do take employment are not much better, McClelland says.

“They’re taking these low-paying jobs in which they make less than they did before, just so John Kerry can point to this as evidence of a weak recovery.”

The White House emphasized that this was just the latest instance of Democratic demagoguery.

“When kids are failing and dropping out of school, who do you think is behind it? Liberal parents, that’s who. They’re forcing their children to under-perform so that it’ll make a mockery of the President’s ‘Leave No Child Behind’ initiative. Can you imagine anything worse than parents sacrificing their children’s future because of some sick need to make the President look bad?

“I tell you, they’ll go to any lengths to sabotage President Bush. Why, just look at all those Democrats who are purposely losing their health insurance and getting sick, just so they’ll have a chance for a dramatic ‘photo op’ at the Republican National Convention later this month. You’ll have these pitiful looking people showing up with wheelchairs and respirators holding up signs like ‘I Lost My Health Care To a Millionaire’s Tax Cut,” and the viewing public will feel sorry for them and blame the President, not aware that it’s a shameless Democratic ploy.

“The liberals are aware that after 9/11, with the nation under attack, the President was determined to show the terrorists that America remained strong. When all these Democrats refuse to work, drop out of school, and lose their health care, they make the country look weak, and the terrorists win.”

Democrats reacted angrily to McClelland’s charge. Said a Kerry spokesman, “I suppose the President is going to say that ‘the atmosphere’ is a Democrat, because global warming is increasing. I suppose the President is going to say that ‘the budget’ is a liberal, because we have record deficits. I suppose the President is going to say that ‘the English language’ is a Democrat because it keeps tripping Bush up.”

To which McClelland replied, “We hadn’t thought of those, but we’re looking into it.”

One Democrat strategist countered with the theory that all the gays getting married are Republicans, trying to stir up their base.

“Why, of all times, are they getting married during an election year? Because they’re secretly conservatives, and they know it’s going to get a lot of pissed-off Republicans to the polls.”

When asked about this, McClelland replied, “That’s just ludicrous. That shows you how the Democrats are just into blame, blame blame.”

At the end of the press conference, McClelland was asked whether American soldiers dying in Iraq were Democrats purposely sacrificing their lives in order to turn the country against the President.

“We would never say that,” McClelland replied. “What do you take us for?”