Unlike with canines, human coprophagia is a deliberate, self- inflicted and self- developed character feature. It is an ability to generate poop and consume it with joy, whether it be yours or someone else's. Humans cannot be trained to keep away or obey the 'Off' command.

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Dog Coprophagia- the unfortunate habit of the dogs to eat theirs (and others) feces'  From the Internet

 

Ever seen that? When a puppy is after the feces, he is voracious: off he goes like crazy and if you interrupt him he growls and snarls at you. He is really irritated, even hysterical in a way.

With dogs it is simple; it is an instinct, not their fault. There is a meat tenderizer, such products as Deter and Forbid; there is also a blessing of Tabasco sauce. One drop of that thing on the feces and the poor puppy backs off. Eventually most of the dogs outgrow the habit. Dogs are smart.

With humans it is much harder. A credit of the discovery of the human coprophagia goes to the Russian writer Feodor Dostoevsky, the favorite of Laura Bush ( we will return to her shortly).

In the 1860s he visited France under  Napoleon, the Petite and described a puzzling phenomenon he witnessed first-hand. He quotes in his 'Notes of the Traveler' a routine report in one of the Paris newspapers on the recreational equestrian promenade in the Bulone Forest, that favorite park of all Parisians. Apparently the Emperor was a regular there and the reporter practically choked on admiration describing His Majesty on horseback (in the real life Napoleon III was a very ugly, dwarfish character who looked horrible on horseback).

So, why, would the reporter write all that nonsense, asked Feodor Michailovich. He then mused on that puzzle for a while but did not come to any answer. Obviously, the reporter had nothing to gain; hardly the Emperor or anyone on his staff ever read those reports or heard of them. If he was counting on the appreciation of the readership he could say the same thing without hysterics and get the same effect, hopefully. Dostoevsky left that for the reader to ponder.

Right now, after about 150 years of turmoil, death and destruction we do have a definite answer to the puzzle- the reporter did that because he genuinely loved, adored, admired and even sexually desired the Emperor, his posture, his mustaches, his horse and the whole his way of life.. Armed by the advanced veterinary knowledge of the time we can diagnose the human coprophagia- the generation of the poop and eating it with full enjoyment. The answer to the puzzle lies in the realm of unreasonable: we are dealing with an instinct, not some calculated effort. By hysterically praising the Royal Equestrian the said reporter expressed his own total submissiveness, his eager surrender to the power of the Third Empire. Pure coprophagia right there.

Dostoevsky wisely did not publish those notes of his outside of Russia or he might be rebuked, ostracized or even barred from entering France forever just like the modern coprophags had barred Robert Fisk from entering the US for his open criticism of the US and Israeli policies. The more things change the more they stay the same. I will describe below several clinical cases of the modern coprophagia; the cases which surely would have puzzled Dostoevsky but neither Sigmund Freud nor an experienced veterinarian for that matter. Really, we are closer to the animals than we think. I wonder what would the creationists say about all that, coprophags as they are.

Case 1. Laura Bush and Her Taste in Books.

We all know that the Divine Intervention cured our President from alcoholism so that he could install democracy among those who will survive his perpetual war. We also know that our First Lady also seems to be recovering from something; at least that's how she looks like when we see her. Unlike the President, though, Laura claims to be an intelligent being, a librarian with impeccable taste in books. She thus was once asked about her favorite novel and, lo and behold it happened to be 'The Brothers Karamazov' by Feodor Dostoevsky.

Oh, well. Some staff member most likely had a list of the suitable authors/novels ready for her and she picked the most fashionable name totally ignorant of the fact that if Dostoevsky is considered by the literati as the most complicated Russian author, that particular novel is well-known as one of the least understandable, so purely Russian that we have to engage another genius here, namely Joseph Brodsky and his famous, ' Only the fellow- countryman can understand that..' There was not a chance in Hell that Laura could appreciate much less even understand anything there. That is even if we take a chance that she read the abridged/translated version of it with comments. But I am not talking about her. There are literally thousands of very educated people in the US who know a lot about Dostoevsky. So, why there was not even one scathing, sarcastic article about that episode, recommending our dear little librarian to pick up something closer to her heart, like a book about little goat, so admired by her husband at the crucial moment of our history? Hey, no comedian even mentioned that. Instead the media coprophags engaged in voracious poop- eating: her intelligence and her taste in books were praised by all the doggies, great and small for about a week RIP, Feodor Michailovichl you are now officially the favorite author of Laura, the Chief Librarian. Long live the Patriot Act and the FBI right to snitch on the library cards.

Before I go to the case 2 I would like to point at the difference between the human coprophags and the dogs. Unlike with canines, human coprophagia is a deliberate, self- inflicted and self- developed character feature. It is an ability to generate poop and consume it with joy, whether it yours or someone else's. Humans cannot be trained to keep away or obey the 'Off' command. They not only snarl but bite and even kill those who make an effort to distract them or to prevent other people from contracting the same unfortunate feature. Knowing that we proceed.

Case 2. The Snarling Lady.

Fairly recently, a 'distinguished journalist' lady published an article on opednews practically snarling at the Jews. Not all Jews, mind you. She was upset with only certain Jews, those, who for whatever reason openly tried to separate themselves from the Israeli policies. Most of those Jews do not live in Israel. They are academicians, writers, public figures in the countries of their residence. As such they exercised their rights as citizens, particularly the right of a free speech. The unlovely lady-pundit was furious. She called them all kinds of names, including the clichéd 'self- hating Jews', traitors and even said that they inflicted more harm than the terrorists. How touchy.

Now, Israeli policy is by far a big heap of shit to consume and here we have a perfect specimen of a coprophag on the retainer. The lady does not give a shit about the Jews; she just does her job. Her Zionist masters claim an ownership on all the Jews in the world. According to them any Galacha Jew (that is the one born by a Jewish mother) belongs to them body and soul, no escape. If the body is not in Israel and the children do not serve in the IDF, then the soul must serve it: think about it, help it financially, praise Israel and Zionism in any possible way. Zionists are cultists; they crave stupidity and fanaticism and they hate the doubt and curiosity. Obviously, they fear and hate those Jews who do not give a damn about them, live their own independent lives and say whatever they want about anything. They view those people as a direct threat to their existence and rightfully so. The snarling coprophag lady eats the shit the Zionists produce and snarls at anyone who threatens their (and thus hers) sustainability. A perfect specimen as I said.

There is something extremely sad in this particular case, though. I do not know about other my fellow- readers but I feel very depressed whenever I encounter a snarling woman- coprophag. That seems so unnatural, so mean, really. Women for me are the symbols of common sense and tolerance, the beacons of a civilized behavior. And when the otherwise intelligent lady of letters suddenly bares her fangs and snarls it is like losing the sense of humanity. Sad, what a waste, really.

Case 3. Three heaps of shit for Mr. R.

This case is of a personal nature because it was the only one when I tried a Tabasco sauce approach to cure a coprophag; alas, with no success. Mr. R. is a commenter on the opednews site; he does not write articles. My interaction with him revealed the three heaps of feces he sits comfortably in between:

1. The US is the greatest country in the world; it single- handedly won the WWII against the Devil-lead Nazis; and whatever it does is terrific no matter what.
2. Israel has to be loved unconditionally and Zionists are saints. All the Jews belong to them and if you love Israel it means you love the Jews.
3. All Moslems are prone to violence and irrational behavior because of their religion and upbringing.

 

Any rational veterinarian would understand from those three edges that here we are dealing with the self- developed coprophag, a person who built his own comfortable, small Universe, powered by the heat from those heaps and feels perfectly happy there. I should have known better before I implemented the Tabasco sauce drop pointing out to him that none of the postulates above have anything to do with the real world and/or truth for that matter.

The unfortunate Mr. R. started snarling right away. At first he called me a 'Moslem cleric', which corresponds to the postulate #3; in his eyes apparently to be a Moslem cleric means to promote violence and intolerance. Then, when he realized his mistake he invented a definition of the 'lost soul, still sad from leaving the former USSR'. He denied me even my Jewishness because apparently it seemed that he 'loved the Jews' but could not stand that one particular Jew, that would be me. He also got really irritated at my statements about WWII and wrote that he was tired of the self- proclaimed expert of sorts. I let it drop after that. No need to bother. But for the sake of the readership there is one thing I need to mention here: I am an expert in the WWII affairs. Not by choice but by  destiny. In the country like Russia which lost 27 million people in that carnage the children of those who themselves were children in that war are the true experts.

Our generation, the one born about 10 years after the war, had both the means to absorb the information and enough interest to seek the truth from various sources including the German ones. We could listen to the witnesses, read the documents and make comparisons. We could visit places. We could hear voices. We had the luxury of the free time and reasonably full belly no one before us had and the still smoking materiel no one after us enjoyed. So, yes, take it or leave it, we are the true experts in the field and we can and will tell the truth whenever possible, no matter how bitter it sounds to the coprophags: Russia won that war. The US just jumped on a bandwagon. The nuclear bombardment of Japan was a crime against Humanity, nothing more. Having said all that I hereby leave my triangulated coprophag in his cage.

'They say that the seeds of what we will do are in all of us but it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes in life the seeds are covered with better soil and with a higher grade of manure'

E. Hemingway. The Movable Feast

The Interlude: How To Deal With The Human Coprophagia.

I started writing this article in the seat of the MD airplane right close to the toilet and the stench contributed to my metaphorical mood. Eventually I realized that I was writing about a widely spread phenomena. I could list more and more cases. Hillary Clinton is a coprophag and so is Joe Lieberman. The one really shining coprophag was Jerry Falwell, RIP. Of course, O' Reilly is one and so is Ann Coulter. In fact, most of the Bushites are coprophags except for the Bush himself (he is mad) and Cheney ( he is a vampire). Nice company.

There is one similar feature in all those cases, though and it relates to the coprophagia in the Nature. Coprophags are primarily puppies. In the human world that means shallow, low- level minds, undeveloped, short- circuited or 'drive- through' minds, incapable of real feelings, fearful of deep emotional processes, minds on Prozac, so to speak. Such minds are ideal gateways, entrances for the coprophagia. Once entered it thrives on one and only one feature- arrogance. And that's why it is in abundance in the US- even the most advanced people here are arrogant beyond belief. Once and for all they establish their dominance as the 'happy folks of the true democracy' and once and for all they claim the right to 'do something to those, other people', be those Iraqis, Iranians, Palestinians, Russians or French.

So far I have encountered very few Americans who would state unequivocally that the best behavior for the human being is to mind his/her own business and that should work for the good old USA too.

Arrogance is by no means a uniquely American thing. Yours truly was not immune to it and spent a lot of time in self- indulging misery. In the relative safety of the Empire I caressed my arrogance and stupidity until the day came when the proud citizen of the best country in the world found himself a refugee on the foreign soil. That's when I looked into the mirror and saw a turd hanging out of my mouth. . This is the only way to cure the coprophagia, my friends; you have to acknowledge that you are a coprophag first and foremost. And you have to do that on your own: no one can help you with it.

After that it is rather easy: you must start taking pills of suspicion, guilt and disgust, acknowledge that all people are the same and seek for the roses.

Ah, the roses! There are a plenty of those around. How about the short stories by O' Henry? Or Jack London's 'Martin Eden', or John Steinbeck's ' Traveling with Charlie'? How about 'Horrors of War' painting series by Francisco Goya? And if you want Dostoevsky, how about the ' Teenager', that book of love, compassion and understanding of the process when a boy becomes a man?

Those perfect books inoculate against the coprophagia forever. Once inoculated you become immune and when you see a hysterical coprophag you just frown in disgust and turn away. It is like having those special glasses I saw in one movie with Roddie Piper: you put them on and see all the bad aliens around you.

To be immune is no fun, but it is healthy because it means maturity. Good luck to all of us; we are adult dogs from now on.

Authors Bio:

The writer is 67 years old, semi- retired engineer, PhD, PE. I write fiction on a regular basis and I am also 10 years on OEN.