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November 6, 2012

Romney Unzipped, Blunt Talk to Bundlers

By Robert S. Becker

What does Mitt Romney say to his fat cat bundlers in the face of losing? Why, of course, he dissembles: "we haven't really lost when you consider the historic breakthroughs my plutocratic, religious candidacy achieved." The world is different now for super-rich politicians and Mitt isn't off-base in this regard. Time will tell.

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(Article changed on November 6, 2012 at 23:28)

(Article changed on November 6, 2012 at 23:22)


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Note: Professional ethics, if not bodily safety, entails keeping the source for this putative concession draft as secret as Mitt keeps his top bundlers (fundraisers), tax returns, offshore accounts, et al. Romney deviated from Barack Obama, George W. Bush and John McCain by refusing to identify his deepest pockets, sources so terrified of publicity the details of all meetings remain hush-hush.   

My true Americans:

Even if we fall short in the end, think what first-time, historic thresholds we've established: a self-made, self-effacing finance guy nearly dislodged Mr. Silver-tongued, Minority-loving, Incumbent Populist. One more week -- and one less darn super-storm -- and who knows?   Even Reagan might have lost if Carter had a hurricane behind him.

Of course, hats off it to any hustler who outscores my accomplished operation, even if one idiot advisor brought up Etch-a-Sketching. Heck, we'd have gotten plastered without being all things to all voters. So unselfishly, I agreed that neither my past nor principles would stand in the way of winning. I make no apology, however, for identifying that slothful 47% of yokels. I knew all along Obama only had to patch 3% liberals to the 47% losers to reach his gullible majority.  

But look how close we came, an outsider taking on huge odds and the two slickest incumbents to ever come down the pike, Obama and Bill Clinton. Had any CEO -- especially a bold, venture capitalist and quarter-billionaire who hates high taxes -- plus a Mormon -- ever come closer to seizing the White House? Never, and President Ryan in 2016 will acknowledge this breakthrough by naming me ambassador to France, or Treasury secretary, oh, Federal Reserve chiefdom would do.      

Speaking of avoiding taxes, did folks think I'd just divulge esoteric tax havens that cost me thousands and saved me millions? And we won that donnybrook politically: I bet ten grand the next tycoon will also get a pass, despite minimal tax rates, shielding offshore bank accounts, loaded IRAs, even outsourcing jobs and companies. We blew apart tradition, bringing us ever closer to corporate heaven, "that government is best which taxes the rich least." Okay, we had to flip-flop now and again but give credit where credit is due -- no, no, not that kind of credit [laugh here]. We never folded under immense pressure, keeping sacred the holy proposition that private wealth must stay private. Thanks to us, the next super-rich politician knows there's no serious downside for minimal disclosure. The era of public tax returns is over, justifying my candidacy in a nutshell.

Fox News, not enough this time

And yet, even a flawless campaign, guided by my perfectly intuitive, far more charming wife, couldn't overcome the biased liberal media and socialist millions funneled from who knows where. Maybe America doesn't yet deserve a pious, latter-day saint informed by the family values that made the 1950's great. No doubt a surfeit of my diverse triumphs gave the Obama attack dogs too much baggage to cut down. And let's not forget Benedict Arnolds like Anne Coulter, actually warning that to nominate me was to lose. No talk shows for that brat [chuckle here]. Nor will I forgive that birdbrain Rick Perry for piling on, calling me a "vulture capitalist" and thus putting down the noble venture capital industry.   No big bucks for that Texas jackass.

Why, such dimwits know nothing about how masters of the universe keep the system afloat. What other daring risk-takers rush in, search out vulnerabilities, or what we can get away with, then cut pensions, dump needless workers, and find cheap labor offshore? We priests of private equity are the merciless surgeons of capitalism, slashing away cancers to max out the asset values worth auctioning off. Sure, the Bain crew made money but only because we served a public service and restored the sickly to health. Isn't the point of profit-driven capitalism to separate winners from losers, known in my house as the firers and the firees? [chuckle here]  

Rightwing blessings in disguise

But I am reassured, from private revelation and pledges from the Mormon hierarchy, that our God of the golden tablets did not ordain this defeat. Direct communication is such a relief, because credulous voters in Ohio, Pennsylvania, New Hampshire, and Wisconsin acted otherwise. Maybe God prefers gridlock so He's not held responsible for earthly miscues. Time to brace for the next spiritual test, four more years that betray American exceptionalism and our Judeo-Christian super-power status.

And yet we'll have no better ally than an anti-growth, most unexceptional Democrat held captive in the White House. It's like losing is winning, for the double dose of Obama blunders will raise such a hue and cry that conservatives will own the next government. Just like Reagan saved us from Carter's timidity, or George W. from Clinton's immorality, the country will yearn for righteous management by 2016. And why not pitch the same unyielding philosophy: big government is the enemy, not the solution and that mandates low taxes and lower regulation? Q.E.D., to use the language of elitists [chuckle].

Let us thus quadruple double-down obstructionism.   Look what benefits accrue from strident opposition to Democrats in office: welfare shredded, NAFTA passed, no Glass-Stiegal, then eight glorious Bush years of deregulation, low taxes, and huge Pentagon spending. And did not war-making show resolve to our enemies? Pray the Bush Doctrine becomes the Ryan Doctrine: defy our expanding markets and we decimate your country, whether you attack or make only threatening noises. And there'll be no redemptive baptisms after the fact for Muslims who hate our freedom, especially to accumulate fortunes.    

The Next Crusade

Are we not tracking an inexorable historic progress that sanctifies our core rightwing conviction, here or abroad: the righteous end justifies any means. To paraphrase Barry Goldwater, moderation in service of weakness is no virtue, and I say: campaign elasticity in the service of liberty is no vice. Let us also recall that noble Mormon tradition, "lying for the Lord." When your heart and intentions are pure, transient dissembling is no vice, in fact a necessary good to execute God's mission.

For were we latter-day saints not once outcast, like the Israelites, forced on a hard land of deserts and little water? Look today at our paradise from paucity earned by hard work, rigorous tithing, and utterly hierarchical governance, just like a well-run corporation. What raised up my tribe, now a multimillion dollar enterprise with wide holdings, is what will make this country great again. In less than a decade, the Mormon advance grew from controlling one state to now boasting a national footprint with national bootstraps.

Praise the Lord and strengthen GOP obstructionism: America must honor the status quo, at least until the righteous take over. Let us dream some day of a steadfast Christian capitalist as president who looks back on my campaign as the early way. Keep the faith and your big open wallets to the favored, severely conservative few. My campaign established, once and for all, that a rich CEO with strong religious convictions can compete and defeat craven politicians in a national election. Freeing the super-rich from this past captivity alone makes my arduous run a success. With enough faith, losing can be winning.   



Submitters Bio:

Educated at Rutgers College (BA) and UC Berkeley (Ph.D, English) Becker left university teaching (Northwestern, U. Chicago) for business, founding and heading SOTA Industries, high end audio company from '80 to '92. From '92-02 he did marketing consulting & writing; since 2002, he scribbles on politics and culture, looking for the wit in the shadows.

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