On Thursday, January 21, 2010, the U.S. Supreme Court slapped the CorPerson on its fat butt, cut the umbilical cord and, the heir to a zillion-zillon dollar fortune, wailed with joy! In the spirit of taking things way too far, I suggest a number of human attributes be bestowed upon the new humanoid immediately.
As corporations evolve into humanoids - CorPersons - we must
give these new friends and fellow earthlings equality. For if we do not we will surely lose our own
Though it's a legal fiction, in multiple ways, that U.S.
corporations are people, I assure you this injustice can be remedied.
It should matter not in our treatment of CorPersons that there
was never any court ruling or legislation bestowing upon corporations
personhood. See: Santa Clara County
v. Southern Pacific Railroad.
So what, if a wayward remark in a headnote to a court case
was seized by corporate interests to transform a myth into a "legal fact," an
"entity" into a living, breathing, conscious being, alive with feelings and
vitality? We must all rejoice at the
birth of our illusory child.
On Thursday, January 21, 2010, the U.S. Supreme Court slapped
the CorPerson on its fat butt, cut the umbilical cord and, the heir to a
zillion-zillon dollar fortune, wailed with joy!
So, I say, let's keep going!
Howdy and welcome to the human world CorPersons! God bless the child that's got not only its
own but everybody else's.
In the spirit of taking things way too far, I suggest the
following human attributes be bestowed upon the new humanoid immediately:
The Right to Pay Human Taxes: Forget two tax rates. With equality for CorPersons we only need
one. If people can't take the deduction,
neither can a CorPerson. Cars, planes,
meals, travel, supplies, equipment, raw materials, all taxable! Depreciation deduction? A thing of the past. You're human now ya' big goofy conglomerate
Used with permission of the artist: M. Wuerker
Election Laws: CorPersons
must obey all human person election laws, including individual campaign
contribution limits. No, sorry, real
humans can't afford TV ads so, it's only fair you can't do those. It would be way over the limit. But, here's the good part: CorPersons will be able to run for public
office. President Exxon/Mobil has a
nice ring to it.
The Right to be Imprisoned:
Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. If humans get time for the crime, so do CorPersons. Stealing, cheating, perjury, fraud all crimes
subject to jail terms. While CorPersons
are virtually incarcerated, all outside corporation activities desist.
Jury Duty: CorPersons
will have the honor, and the obligation, as citizens to serve as jurors. We
can issue each CorPerson a driver's license so they get called. They need only send one human person, but the
rest of the corporation may not continue operations while their representative
is at the court house. During breaks,
the people who comprise the corporation can grab a bite to eat, read, have a
smoke or walk around the block. But,
just like human jurors, they won't be able to get anything important, like work
or making a living, done.
The Draft: If a
military draft is instituted CorPersons over 18 years of age will be
eligible. Like their human counter
parts, they will be put to work as the military commands. Oil companies will become information
technology providers. Aircraft
manufactures will be in scripted into the infantry, etcetera. Manufacturing firms will... Well, let's just
hope the war isn't against China.
Bankruptcy: Yes. Underwater?
Behind on your payments to creditors?
Profitability in the dumper?
Can't make the payroll? We have
courts where these matters are settled for human people and why not for CorPersons,
even TBTF BankoCorPersons, as well?
Human people at the top of the CorPerson will need to act like other
human people in business. When times are
bad, when things go wrong, human people at the top of the CorPerson get paid
last or not at all!
The Right to Vote:
Each CorPerson should have suffrage and be allowed one vote in Federal,
State, County and local jurisdictions wherein they were inCorPersonhooded upon
the reaching voting age. This will also
get them called for jury duty.
The Right to Die: As
there is no physiological means of CorPerson death, every day all U.S. CorPersons
will be subjected to the human equivalent of the grim reaper, an actuarial lottery to see if they
are dead or alive. Aggregate CorPerson
life spans will not exceed human averages. When their number's up, their number is up,
all operations must cease immediately. Competitors,
please feel free to dance on the coffin of a departed foe, but keep in mind,
just like humans, your time will come too, and you never know when.
Can you think of more human attributions, the slings and
arrows of being flesh and blood that CorPersons should endure? Please, chime in!
Chaz Valenza is writer and small business owner in New Jersey. He earned his MBA from New York University's Stern School of Business. His current feature film project is "Single Point Failure" an insider's account of how the Reagan Administration caused the greatest tragedy of the space age based on Richard C. Cook's book "Challenger Revealed." He is a former Director of Public Information for Planned Parenthood of NYC. His website is: www.WordsWillNever.com