The judge contemplating sentencing in the "Scooter" Libby case, after his conviction on five counts of perjury, false statements and obstruction of justice, took the unusual step of ordering the letters pleading for leniency on his behalf to be published. There were letters from Paul Wolfowitz, John Bolton, Don Rumsfeld, and others, in some part perhaps a veritable rogue's gallery of scoundrels who have themselves been forced to resign in disgrace recently.
But conspicuously missing was a letter from the Vice President himself, Dick Cheney.
And then lo and behold, we were leaked a copy of one additional letter that had not been published with the rest, apparently signed by Satan, probably not the same person as the vice president, unless it's a pen name of some kind. We reproduce the text of that letter below at the peril of our mortal souls.
Dear Judge Walton,
I submit this letter for your consideration in the sentencing of "Scooter" Libby.
I am currently the overlord of the underworld, and have been since my own fall from grace many eons ago. In all that time I have had the opportunity to encounter many individuals distinguished by their utterly pathological evil. In comparison to some of those, Mr. Libby, who stands convicted of less than a half a dozen counts of perjury and false statements and such, is hardly enough to stoke a major fire about. We like to call them little "white" lies down here, cigarette burn level stuff really.
Mr. Libby has not in my professional opinion been given sufficient credit for his role in the outing of Valerie Plame, in as much as the grand jury failed to indict on the underlying treason of that, so I see no reason for your honor to enhance his sentence because he helped by his actions to shield those even more guilty. I must tell you, I feel just terrible about this whole thing for Mr. Libby and his family. Of course, that's the way I usually feel about everything.
I'm sure you have received many other letters praising Mr. Libby for his government service, but you may not be aware of his very active creative writing career. His novel, "The Apprentice", is one of my personal favorites. It was recently republished by St. Martin's Press, described by them as "an everyday tale of bestiality and paedophilia in 1903 Japan . . . packed with sexual perversion, dwelling on prepubescent girls and their training as prostitutes." I highly recommend it for your honor's own late night reading.
In my own experience I have always found Mr. Libby to be a loyal company man, giving me many years of dedicated service already. In fact, I have reserved a special place for him in my organization in the hereafter. From his aggressive defense of fugitive billionaires, to his founding role in the Project for the New American Century, alumni of which masterminded the illegal invasion and occupation of Iraq, Mr. Libby has never failed to do my bidding in every possible respect.
As you may anticipate there will be an appeal pending, and it is my respectful hope that "Scooter" will ultimately skate, at least in this life. I'd like to think that we have the appeals courts packed with enough of "our" people so that we may well prevail there. In the meantime, I am asking you to show Mr. Libby the maximum leniency, otherwise it tends to hurt my own recruiting. Instead of prison time I would counsel an official commendation of honor by the court, perhaps even a handsome cash reward as a incentive for others in my minions.
Rest assured that regardless I will take responsibility for all deserving punishment for him for all eternity myself.
Your humble tormentor in chief,