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Life Arts

Moshad could sniff out Gibson.

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'All ship shape and Bristol fashion'. You could imagine Nelson about to destroy the French and Spanish fleets off Trafalgar. Or Francis Drake about to burn the Spanish Armada. For 300 years the British navy ruled the world and Bristol was the centre of it all. We could kick real ass then. I visited last week.

As I drove down I heard the news of more British deaths in both Iraq and Afghanistan on the radio. I think I realised what the Iraq war is about. Maybe Americans are used to them but I saw a large Camper van.

It was like the one Homer Simpson wanted. It seemed to have a big sink..bunks... shower..small office etc...but ..you know how you sometimes see bicycles on the back..or small motorbikes??..this one had a car.

As I drove..there was another ..identical. It seemed to be a hire firm that kits you out with a giant camper and car to get you about in the rapidly disappearing British countryside then to explore ancient narrow streets without having to drive a 6 wheel drive monstrosity along them. Petrol (gas) prices are now a pound a litre ( about$7.50 a gallon I think.) I also heard the Alaskan oil line shut down. Iran ..look out!!

Bristol is also famous for cider..that stuff you can drink when you are 17 but wisely avoid afterwards. There are apple trees everywhere with inedible apples. No joke. My friends have chickens that eat everything...nearly. The ground near the coop is dirt as they have pecked all vegetation to ground....except that there are untouched apples everywhere..they use them for perching.

We went for a walk with my friend's dog. Lord.. the Brits and their dogs....

In Britain we are animal lovers. For example, we love dogs. We, on the other hand, fear wolves. However, people discovered long ago how to turn wolves into dogs. Kill the she-wolf and feed the cubs. They catch on real quick. Of course they'll do whatever you want, they are always hungry and they've just seen you shoot mum. They become firstly guard dogs then...house pets.

A couple of generations ago these powerful predators were individually taking down reindeer and fighting for scraps with their mates by ripping chunks off with bone crushing ferocity. This is despite having 'wolfed' down a quarter of the prey, because they never knew where their next meal was coming from. I was reminded of this, every time my friend's dog poked me playfully in the groin with the same teeth that his grandfather used to savage musk oxen. "Its OK, he's just being friendly"

I read that the chomper instinct will resurface with the next litter, if away from humans. Pigs are even more ready to dump the middle class lifestyle and will grow tusks within months of escape. Boars survive in the wild, pigs don't. Pigs also do what pigs have done for millennia, hence been shunned by many religious people. Pigs dispose of waste, internally. Dogs create it, externally. The problem is that modern dogs do know where their next meal is coming from. And we all know where it's going.

The poor beast is not the problem, of course. He is out of his natural habitat. Now, the den is less a cave dug by claw into snow covered rock, more a woolly basket in a vestibule. The fur designed to protect him on long Arctic nights is no longer essential for the less extreme conditions of central heating set at gas mark 3.


The perfume machine was spraying Superjob-Strength Lemon for extra confidence. His eyes were watering, the air thick. His nose is a thousand times more sensitive than ours and was overwhelmed. His coat was saturated. His ancestors could have caught the faint odour of potential mate some three miles off. Our boy, they could have smelled from Oslo.

My friend was discussing Gibson's outburst. He said 'Is it not illegal across there to bad mouth Jews..can somebody not sue them?' Then he said 'But who? The ACLU? No they would support freedom of speech..What about the Israelis..except they would have to take him to either Austria ( whose guilt for the Holocaust is such that their laws are severe)..or Israel. They got Eichmann..Gibson should be easy. Fetch boy!'

 

'Hamish ' is an antiwar writer socialist- scientist and musician living in Scotland.
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Hamish is hilarious and always hits the bull's eye... by Missy Comley Beattie on Thursday, Aug 10, 2006 at 9:00:41 AM