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The Republican Playbook: Uncensored

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My fellow Republicans, it's been a tough few years, but we're on our way back. Soon power will be ours, once again, if we stay strong, stay the course, and most important, stay on message.

And the message is this: Obama isn't wrong, he's the enemy. Follow the Official Republican Playbook with faith and zeal and we shall conquer. It's the blueprint for destroying Obama, Democrats, progressives and anyone else not in our righteous club.

We've made a good start by saying no to everything, but that's not enough. We need a sophisticated strategy if we're going to turn our fortunes around. We need talking points, distortions and, when necessary, downright lies about this illegitimate president.

It's not enough to "just say no." We have to say the exact opposite of whatever he's saying. If he's for apple pie, we're against big government interfering with America's pie entrepreneurs. If he says he's against big government, act like he said he's for big government. And we're against it.

Never give an inch of ground. No matter what the question or issue, blame Obama. It isn't easy to give him no credit for achieving anything, while viciously attacking him for his achievements, but you can do it if you try.

Don't let the harpies of the liberal media call you out for inconsistency; that's a lie. We are totally, cosmically, irrefutably consistent: Whatever Obama is for, we're against, and you can't get more consistent than that.

It is important to master the skill of saying no when you mean yes. You must never, ever agree with or vote for any of the President's positions. No proposal of his can possibly be good enough to outweigh the damage of giving him a victory.

If Obama wants to move all the gold in Ft. Knox to your state, call it a bailout and vote against it. Then let the Democrats put it into a continuing resolution and pass it in reconciliation. That way you get the gold, and still get to tell the prez to stick it where the sun don't shine.

Remember, the sun never shines on him. Not if we can help it.

In general, stop making sense. I know, you're already doing that. But redouble your efforts. If Obama wants a budget freeze, don't call it deficit reduction, call it "deficits as far as the eye can see." If he wants job programs, call them "budget busting bailouts." If he doesn't want job programs, scream about the 10% unemployment rate.

Above all, remember that history started January 20th, 2008, the day the Antichrist took office.

The same principles apply in foreign policy. When Obama tripled the size of our forces in Afghanistan we did the right thing--we called him "weak."

But we must be ready for all contingencies. If a terrorist attack on America fails, scream outrage and call Obama weak. If a terrorist attack on America succeeds, wipe that predatory grin off your face, scream outrage and call Obama weak. If there are no terrorist attacks on America, thank Dick Cheney for it, and call Obama weak.

We can't say it often enough: All Democrats are pansies. Let them have their "don't ask, don't tell" reforms. We have something better; "don't think."

If Obama adopts one of our proposals, say "the American people have spoken." Then vote against it. It's not important to get our ideas passed into law, we tried that already and they don't work. What is paramount is to make sure his proposals don't become law. Because they just might work.

No matter what Obama does to run the country, say he's running it down. If he solicits our help, nod sagely in the direction of bipartisanship, then oppose everything he wants. If he's riding high in the polls, say he's a captive of Nancy Pelosi and her cabal of San Francisco liberals. That way you can feign sympathy with a popular leader, and direct your hatred down the path of least resistance.

And don't worry, we've got the Senate by the filibuster short hairs. Nothing will get done and Obama will get the blame, eventually. As long as we stay strong. And can comport ourselves as American patriots while doing more damage to America than Stalin. It's a small price to pay to claw our way back to power.

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San Francisco based columnist, author, gym rat and novelist. My book, "The Confessions of a Catnip Junkie" is the best memoir ever written by a cat. Available on Amazon.com, or wherever fine literature is sold with no sales tax collected. For (more...)
 
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you are absolutely right. The GOP base seems more ... by Michael Shaw on Thursday, Feb 4, 2010 at 11:27:21 AM
I can say with a straight face that it was Bush po... by Michael Morris on Friday, Feb 5, 2010 at 6:45:47 AM