The President of the United States: Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow Americans:
I want to start out this State of the Union by sucking up to the new Republican majority in the House and to the increased Republican minority in the Senate. I too can read the polls and recognize that it's time for this unrepentant progressive corporatist liberal to take a stand, bite the bullet, and embrace long-standing conservative principles that I have publicly abhorred for all my life. I now see the folly of my spend-thrift liberal ways and along with the Rasmussen, Zogby, Gallup, and Harris polls, it's easy to see that in order for me to squeak out re-election in a scant 23 months from now that I must turn my back on my beliefs to create the illusion that I am a moderate centrist.
But first allow me to remind everyone of the tragic turn of events just a few weeks ago in Tucson where our dear friend Gabby Giffords was cut down in cold blood, a tragedy that has spurred all of us to play musical chairs tonight in the House and to pretend that we are adopting a bipartisan air of civility, even if only for the cameras and for the sake of public appearances for a few weeks.
The people have spoken, and not just with bullets, but with ballots last fall. I can read the tea leaves on the wailing wall of election results and you have told us that you want us to cut taxes for the wealthy and to accept large donations from multinational corporations to help shape our national agenda and policies. I got it, loud and clear. Two years after the clusterfuck that bankrupted our fragile corporations, financial institutions, and housing markets, the stock market is back in black, as AC/DC might put it. Corporate profits are up, the economy is growing again.
OK, well maybe not for you if you're one of the 9.1% of the unemployed who actually filed for a check, but trust me, the corporations and banks are doing just fine.
And now the American people want us to work together to help those large businesses garner an even bigger share of the pot of gold at the end of the Federal Reserve's "quantitative easing" policy, or as I like to call it, making money the old-fashioned way, by printing it.
We did that in December when we extended the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest two-percent of Americans. Yes, we extended your tax cuts too, and your paychecks are a few dollars bigger now, with the whole package adding a whopping $400-billion dollars to the deficit, making the United States of America the largest debtor nation on the planet today.
That's right--we're Number One!
So all in all, we've taken steps over the past two years to break the back of the recession, but now we need to get serious, to buckle down. We need to slice the femoral artery of the recession, then cut off its fingerprints so it can't be identified by forensics, destroy its dental records, and then hide the body from the CSI team.
Because we live in a different world now, one in which steel mills that needed a thousand workers a few years ago can now do the same work with just a hundred folks and a few dozen robots"with just a little help from outsourcing the really dirty work of manufacturing and pollution factories to Malaysia, Singapore, and South America. How's that new iPad workin' for ya, Steve?
What's happened is that China and India are beating us by educating their kids instead of lettin' "em eat Cheetos in front of Nitro Circus and Teen Mom. That Chinese Tiger Mom is onto somethin', I'm tellin' ya, and we need to get our kids educated too, as well as invest in research and new technologies like the Shake Weight or the Snuggie blanket.
Even so, we are still the biggest economy in the world. We just owe a bunch of cash to China, Japan, the U.K., Saudi Arabia, and Brazil, that's all. We don't know where the next new technology or growth industry will come from, but I have to tell ya, the future for cannabis agriculture is smokin'. Smart investors are putting their money where the bongs are, and high-grade kush has become California's number one cash crop. Now that's good ol' American knowhow at work, and you just might wanna get in on the ground floor before the IPO.
This is our generation's Sputnik moment, and clean energy is the Apollo Project of our time. From all the money we invest in researching solar, wind, cold fusion, clean coal, and natural gas, we will see the next innovations like Tang, Velcro, and Hula Hoops as ancillary results. Smart phones may be the next slide rule, and electric cars just might be the next Polaroid camera.
It's not just the winner of the Super Bowl that matters (which will be the Green Bay Packers, sadly, instead of the Chicago Bears) but it's also the winner of the science fair who deserves to get the hot date for Prom Night. Speaking as a fellow nerd, geek is the new Sexy, and being smart should be the standard for hotness. Young women of today--start going out with that Debate Team leader or the cameraman for the A/V club--we need to encourage those dweebs if we're going to win the new Space Race of clean energy. Think Mark Zuckerberg meets the Old Spice Guy.
And you kids need to stop majoring in business and go into Education. In South Korea, teachers are known as nation builders. We need you guys to start taking up a career where you can earn as much as $40-thousand a year with tenure, and make a difference to America, even if you can't afford to buy a Hyundai.