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Spawn of iPad and other disasters

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Even the great Steve Jobs stubs his toe once in a while. Seen in that light, the iPad disaster is merely a stumble on Apple's long road to world domination. If the internal documents relayed to me by a Chinese hacker currently awaiting execution in the Forbidden City are true, Apple and Mr. Jobs are poised for a rapid return to good fortune.

Apple knows its mistake. It went in the wrong direction. People don't like big anymore. The iPhone was a huge success and continues to be, but it's already yesterday's news. It's big and heavy and unwieldy, a pain in the pocket to haul around all day. The iPad only made things worse.

And the technology is so dated! You might as well carry a clay tablet and rhino tusk, for all the cool an iPad brings you.

Fortunately, Apple's engineer corps understands the problem. This is no time for small steps or halfway measures. Only a game-changing, earth-shaking, revolution will do, and they have just the product.

Introducing the iBall. The high speed, 5G, interactive contact lens! Your connection to the web perfected. No cords, no wires, no case, no thumbs. Also no Flash because Steve's got a stiffie for Adobe, but that's all right. The iBall is everything you need in a one-gram, thin-film, ocular interface product. Apple's most elegant solution yet.

I expect it to be a monster success. But what the devouring world won't realize is that the iBall is only an interim product. Hard on its heels will come Apple's greatest triumph. Soon we won't need any sticky, unreliable human tissue at all!

Mr. and Ms. Galaxy, meet the iSocket. Your direct neural connection to all of human knowledge, global social media, and videos of that adorable Shih Tzu pup riding a tricycle.

Throw away your glasses, toss your contact lenses, say goodbye to scary milliseconds of total blackness, completely cut off from the world, during wasteful blinking. Forget about "online" and "offline" and "searching the web."

Be the web with iSocket. Only from Apple and AT&T. No Flash.

And the iSocket is only the beginning. With Apple's new "Bits to Brains" technology anything is possible.

Have a math test coming up and you need a couple dozen extra IQ points to pass?

There's an app for that.

Death impending and you want to upload your personality to the cloud so you can swim eternal in the world wide web?

There's an app for that.

Want to live in a world of face to face interaction with actual flesh and blood human beings with all their quirks, flaws and stinks?

They're still working on that. So far, all they have is the product name.

iWish.

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San Francisco based columnist, author, gym rat and novelist. My book, "The Confessions of a Catnip Junkie" is the best memoir ever written by a cat. Available on Amazon.com, or wherever fine literature is sold with no sales tax collected. For (more...)
 
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