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If Rick Scott Took Truth Serum Before Inaugural Speech...

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"Hello, shareholders - uh, no - stakeholders. Thanks for paying, uh, coming, yes, thanks for coming to my coronation, uh, corporation, uh, no, doggone it, excuse me. Thanks so much for coming to my inauguration, my inauguration ceremony, parade, parties, and other stock offerings - uh, no - make that other festive offerings here in Tallahassee this week.

First off, Governor Crist, special thanks for making this transaction - uh, no - transition, thanks for making the transition so easy. Without you being a mish-mash of a closet conservative Democrat pretending to be a moderate Republican, ending up as a No-Party governor, I'm not sure I could've gotten Republicans riled up enough to put a right-wing reactionary like me over the top.

And thanks to my fellow hard right-wing Republican leaders, Senate President Popadopolos, uh, Haridopolos - sorry Mike, what's that, a Phoenician name? Where's your green card, huh buddy? Ha, just teasing, Mr. U.S. Senator wannabe, relax there Mikey. And thanks to you too, Mr. Speaker of our House, Dino Cannon, okay Dean, heck, you've been aiming those cannon-balls of yours just right, hard right that is, good going slamming the state Supreme Court in your first big speech. Way to swing 'em, Dino!

Scott through the looking glass

Okay, so let's get serious. Besides the 80 million bucks I threw into beating that Sink lady; besides the Democratic party missing a core message, modern media strategy and somebody as rich as me who was willing to spend big; besides all that, the thing that got me elected governor with less than twenty percent of the state's population voting for me, was...was...oh yeah, it was the fact that I said, 'Let's Get To Work', over and over and over again. So, time to find out what I meant by that.

What I meant was, let's start taking care of business. And no, I'm not talking about helping retrain you for new work, or helping you find a new job, or giving you benefits and services to help you get by, or investing in job-creating stuff like clean energy industries or rebuilding our roads and other infrastructure. That would be taking care of the people, when what we need to do first is take care of Business; as in the companies that downsized all you slackers out of - uhh, no - make that, as in the ones that serve as the engines of our economy...vrooom!

So, what stalls an engine more quickly than anything else? Well yeah, banana in the tailpipe, but also, Taxation, Regulation and Litigation - the new Axis of Evil - uh, no - Unemployment, Axis of Unemployment. Those evil-doing elements are trying to mess with this New Republican Age of running your government like our businesses.

And let me tell you, I did not make my hundreds of millions by putting up with taxes, rules and laws, no sir. That's why Big Government came down on my healthcare company like a ton of bricks back in the 1990s, sticking it with almost two billion in fines for not playing by all those rules and laws. I got so close to indictment - uh, no - I mean I got so disgusted with the interfering hand of Big Government, I just had to quit. Opened up another health care company, and yeah, made a ton of money by avoiding that Evil Axis again, and got investigated all over again, for doing what it took to succeed.

Okay, truth is, I made my companies succeed not just because we went crazy cutting corners on rules and taxes and laws. We succeeded because I knew how to cut people, benefits and services too. Let's face it, that Democratic party "we're a community" mentality always gets in the way of profits, whether you're running a business or a government. At troubled times like these, why worry so much about 'sustainability' and 'the greater good' and all that liberal stuff?

And so in this great state of Florida, where so many have come to chase their dreams over the years, it is time to put aside your own American dream for now, time to put aside the dream of social and economic justice for now, time to concentrate first and foremost on those in the business world who are dreaming the Big Dreams - the profit-seekers, the profit-makers, the profit-takers...uh, the job-creators. We have to divert money from costly, unprofitable ventures like public education, like health and social services for our at-risk young, old and poor citizens. We need to put those funds into a great big campaign to get businesses from around the world to relocate to Florida, free from that intrusive Axis of taxation, regulation and law.

In the coming months, you'll hear me and other Republican leaders talking about these plans to refocus our government and its resources on Business. We won't put it quite so bluntly, because we want you to know we still like you too, even if we can't give you the attention you want. So we'll be telling you that by focusing on Business, we're really focusing on you. We'll tell you that anybody who's working to protect your rights and secure the public and social services you need is nothing more than a 'special interest', a liberal, maybe even a socialist supporter of all those taxes, rules and laws that get in the way of Business.

Shakespeare put it this way: "To have what we would have, we speak not what we mean."

If you're gullible, uh, no, courageous enough to believe us and let us do what we want, uh, need to do, then your children and grandchildren may someday be slaved, excuse me, may someday be saved from the same fate you have suffered up until now, with government trying to act as a protective buffer between Business, and The People.

May God Bless the Great State of Florida.

Let's get to work.

Thank you very much."

 

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Daniel Tilson was born and raised in New York City, a graduate of Stuyvesant High School, and New York University's Film and Television School, with a double major in Film/TV Production & Broadcast Journalism. Tilson established his own first (more...)
 

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All you great progressives around the nation and w... by Daniel Tilson on Saturday, Jan 8, 2011 at 2:36:57 PM
Thank you for an insightful article colorfully wri... by ronee groff on Saturday, Jan 8, 2011 at 3:43:25 PM