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Life Arts

How to Make the Winter Olympics More Interesting

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Headlined to H4 2/18/10

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1. Triathlon: Competitors ski Cross Country, then stop to shoot at a target, and then stop again to bake oatmeal raisin cookies.

2. Ski Jumping: Competitors ski down the jump backwards while signing a Last Will and Testament. Extra points can be gained by degree of difficulty, which involves strapping a lawyer and a notary to the skis

3. Curling Plus: A two-part event: Each team will perform the usual Olympic Curling event. If everyone in the audience isn't asleep by the end of the match, team members will watch grass grow for three hours. Winning teams will be determined by the loudest snores emanating from the audience, using a decibel meter. Usually, the Curling is enough.

4. Freestyle Moguls: Skiers ski over the live bodies of Hollywood producers.

5. Slalom: Skiers will no longer ski around the slalom poles, but straight into them at high speeds. Winners are the ones who get to the bottom in the least amount of time with their genitalia intact.

6. Luge: This event is idiotic enough and therefore needs no alteration.

7. Ski Jump Bobsledding: Bobsledders slide down the ski jump. Winners are the ones that survive the event. If nobody survives, a guy named Bob wins.

8. The Anthem Event: The prize goes to the medalist who can remember the lyrics to his or her national anthem. Finalists are required to sing it backwards.

9. Giant Slalom: This will now be restricted to contestants who are over seven feet tall

10. The Skeleton: Finalists for this event must have a death wish to qualify. This must be certified by a licensed psychiatrist prior to entering the qualifying events. Anyone taking anti-psychotic drugs will be eliminated.

11. Speed Skating: Contestants skate while high on speed.

12. Figure Skating: Competitors must perform figure eights, figure nines, and figure sixteens, plus any number of freestyle figures while using a calculator to add up the numbers. Winners are determined by who get the totals right after multiplying by 43,456, then dividing by 567 in their heads. Judges are made up of three Price-Waterhouse accountants and a panel of IRS agents, who will check the figures to prevent cheating.

13. Short Track Skating: Skaters will race wearing Hans Brinker costumes. Best costume wins.

14. Combined Downhill: Downhill skiing, slalom and speed-eating yellow snow.

15. Ice Dancing: Competitors are limited to tap dancing on skates. A similar event is the Team Riverdance Skating Event. In the past, Irish skaters have taken all the medals.

16. Nordic Combined: Ski jumping, Cross Country Skiing and performing in an Ibsen play.

 

John Blumenthal has been a professional comedy writer for 25 years. A former associate editor and columnist at Playboy Magazine (following a short stint at Esquire), he's written 8 books and 2 produced movies. His films include "Short Time," (major (more...)
 
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