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How To Make the Taliban Surrender

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Instead of sending 30,000 troops, send 30,000 mimes.

FedEx them Arabic dessert pastries laced with stool softener and LSD.

Make the Taliban fighters into easy targets by airlifting 50,000 of the most colorful Snuggies into the region.

Air drop Taliban teenagers cell phones without texting capabilities.

Convince Anti-Taliban militiamen to eat nothing but black beans and broccoli for a month. Then have them face west.

Convince the Pakistani army to eat nothing but black beans and broccoli for a month. Then have them face east.

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Send over 5000 DVDs of Cats.

Drop leaflets about the dangers of STDs, then airlift 20,000 condoms covered on both sides with Krazy Clue.

If this doesn't work, send 10,000 toilet seats covered with Krazy Glue.

If that doesn't work, send Al Qaeda 2000 free sets of monkey bars covered with Krazy Glue.

Set up a signal that will deliver HDTV to the Taliban, and then shut it off.

Drop leaflets over Al Qaeda caves showing that the Koran does not specify the gender or species of the 72 virgins. Include photo-shopped pictures of male goats wearing lingerie.

Send the Shamwow guy to Afghanistan.

Blast John Tesh's latest album through huge speakers near the Pakistani border.

Parachute in 1500 computers with dial-up capability only.

FedEx them fruitcake.


John Blumenthal has been a professional comedy writer for 25 years. A former associate editor and columnist at Playboy Magazine (following a short stint at Esquire), he's written 8 books and 2 produced movies. His films include "Short Time," (major (more...)

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Oh, it's supposed to be a joke. I get it. ... by Jason Racette on Thursday, Jan 7, 2010 at 2:59:16 PM
This will work. Believe me as I am living on the g... by Muhammad Khurshid on Thursday, Jan 7, 2010 at 11:44:49 PM
How to make the Taleban surrender? Yankee Go Home!... by syed mahdi on Friday, Jan 8, 2010 at 9:01:18 AM
Special rifles that only work when a woman pulls t... by TL Winslow on Friday, Jan 8, 2010 at 9:55:36 AM