1
1
1
(Article changed on November 6, 2012 at 23:28)
(Article changed on November 6, 2012 at 23:22)
http://www.bartcop.com/Romney-Unzipped_hellman77.jpg" class="wwscontentsmaller">http://www.bartcop.com/Romney-Unzipped_hellman77.jpg by http://www.bartcop.com/2859.htm
Note: Professional ethics, if not bodily safety, entails
keeping the source for this putative concession draft as secret as Mitt keeps
his top bundlers (fundraisers), tax returns, offshore accounts, et al. Romney deviated
from Barack Obama, George W. Bush and John McCain by refusing to identify his
deepest pockets, sources so terrified of publicity the details of all meetings
remain hush-hush.
My true Americans:
Even if we fall short in the end, think what first-time,
historic thresholds we've established: a self-made, self-effacing finance guy
nearly dislodged Mr. Silver-tongued, Minority-loving, Incumbent Populist. One
more week -- and one less darn super-storm -- and who knows? Even Reagan might have lost if Carter
had a hurricane behind him.
Of course, hats off it to any hustler who outscores my
accomplished operation, even if one idiot advisor brought up Etch-a-Sketching.
Heck, we'd have gotten plastered without being all things to all voters. So
unselfishly, I agreed that neither my past nor principles would stand in the
way of winning. I make no apology, however, for identifying that slothful 47%
of yokels. I knew all along Obama only had to patch 3% liberals to the 47%
losers to reach his gullible majority.
But look how close we came, an outsider taking on huge odds
and the two slickest incumbents to ever come down the pike, Obama and Bill
Clinton. Had any CEO -- especially a bold, venture capitalist and
quarter-billionaire who hates high taxes -- plus a Mormon -- ever come closer to
seizing the White House? Never, and President Ryan in 2016 will acknowledge
this breakthrough by naming me ambassador to France, or Treasury secretary, oh,
Federal Reserve chiefdom would do.
Speaking of avoiding taxes, did folks think I'd just divulge
esoteric tax havens that cost me thousands and saved me millions? And we won
that donnybrook politically: I bet ten grand the next tycoon will also get
a pass, despite minimal tax rates, shielding offshore bank accounts, loaded
IRAs, even outsourcing jobs and companies. We blew apart tradition, bringing us
ever closer to corporate heaven, "that government is best which taxes the rich
least." Okay, we had to flip-flop now and again but give credit where credit is
due -- no, no, not that kind of credit [laugh here]. We never folded under immense
pressure, keeping sacred the holy proposition that private wealth must stay private.
Thanks to us, the next super-rich politician knows there's no serious downside for
minimal disclosure. The era of
public tax returns is over, justifying my candidacy in a nutshell.
Fox News, not enough this time
And yet, even a flawless campaign, guided by my perfectly intuitive, far more charming wife, couldn't overcome the biased liberal media and socialist millions funneled from who knows where. Maybe America doesn't yet deserve a pious, latter-day saint informed by the family values that made the 1950's great. No doubt a surfeit of my diverse triumphs gave the Obama attack dogs too much baggage to cut down. And let's not forget Benedict Arnolds like Anne Coulter, actually warning that to nominate me was to lose. No talk shows for that brat [chuckle here]. Nor will I forgive that birdbrain Rick Perry for piling on, calling me a "vulture capitalist" and thus putting down the noble venture capital industry. No big bucks for that Texas jackass.
Why, such dimwits know nothing about how masters of the
universe keep the system afloat. What other daring risk-takers rush in, search
out vulnerabilities, or what we can get away with, then cut pensions, dump
needless workers, and find cheap labor offshore? We priests of private equity
are the merciless surgeons of capitalism, slashing away cancers to max out the
asset values worth auctioning off. Sure, the Bain crew made money but only
because we served a public service and restored the sickly to health. Isn't the
point of profit-driven capitalism to separate winners from losers, known in my
house as the firers and the firees? [chuckle here]
Rightwing blessings in disguise
But I am reassured, from private revelation and pledges from
the Mormon hierarchy, that our God of the golden tablets did not ordain this
defeat. Direct communication is such a relief, because credulous voters in
Ohio, Pennsylvania, New Hampshire, and Wisconsin acted otherwise. Maybe God prefers
gridlock so He's not held responsible for earthly miscues. Time to brace for
the next spiritual test, four more years that betray American exceptionalism
and our Judeo-Christian super-power status.
And yet we'll have no better ally than an anti-growth, most
unexceptional Democrat held captive in the White House. It's like losing is
winning, for the double dose of Obama blunders will raise such a hue and cry
that conservatives will own the next government. Just like Reagan saved us from
Carter's timidity, or George W. from Clinton's immorality, the country will yearn
for righteous management by 2016. And why not pitch the same unyielding philosophy: big government is the
enemy, not the solution and that mandates low taxes and lower regulation?
Q.E.D., to use the language of elitists [chuckle].
Let us thus quadruple double-down obstructionism. Look what benefits accrue from strident opposition to Democrats in office: welfare shredded, NAFTA passed, no Glass-Stiegal, then eight glorious Bush years of deregulation, low taxes, and huge Pentagon spending. And did not war-making show resolve to our enemies? Pray the Bush Doctrine becomes the Ryan Doctrine: defy our expanding markets and we decimate your country, whether you attack or make only threatening noises. And there'll be no redemptive baptisms after the fact for Muslims who hate our freedom, especially to accumulate fortunes.
1 | 2
