The Emperor and the Real Pirates

Michael Collins

"Avast!" said Captain Timmy.  "X" marks the spot.  Our map was accurate.  This is the buried treasure."

Captain Timmy and his crew set sail at the order of the Vandals who'd lost their ability to pillage and plunder the general populous.  It's not that anyone had protected the people.  These master criminals simply ran out of treasure to steal.  The people were flat broke.

But Captain Timmy's commander, Admiral Larry, knew that something had to be done.  The Vandals were a rapacious lot with appetites for acquisition.  They'd trusted Admiral Larry and his band of fortune stealers since the 1980's when Emperor Ronnie declared open season on citizens.  Larry and his predecessors had dispatched the likes of Timmy and his peers to plunder at will to keep the vandals fed well and living in luxury.

First they'd captured S&L Island and made off with a bundle, although they'd been caught in the end.  Seems they took so much, their vessels almost sank.  The attention and resulting cleanup were a cautionary tale ignored by the people.

But all was not lost; the Vandals soon dispatched Timmy-like mercenaries to destroy unions and pension funds.  They had a time of it and made sure that no one felt safe in their jobs ever again.

The Vandals garnered some loot after generating a war right after the Empire's most fearsome adversary rolled over and died.  It was called the Gulf War to make that realm a safe Sheik zone.  They also benefited from the dot.com revolution although they were unable to fathom the technology since it was useful and actually produced considerable benefits for citizens.

Greenspan the Great, the master seer, made sure that the promise of that creativity was dead and buried.

It wasn't until the end of Emperor Bill's term that the Vandals struck again.  Admiral Larry was told that he and Gramm the Impaler were to devise a way to let banks risk fortunes and traders steal like they had in the 1920's while the Emperor's slept.  Larry and the Viceroy were stunned at how easy it was to get the bills passed.  Emperor Bill was more than jovial as he signed them promptly.

And it began with a flourish.  Through the magic of Greenspan the Great, it appeared that everybody was getting rich.  But that was all a sideshow and distraction for the real theft at the top.

Then one day, the people had become so poor from all the Vandals' plundering they could no longer think of entering the casino.  They had no money left.

What would the Vandals do?

Emperor George the Lame had replaced the clever Bill.  When the people ran out of money, the Vandals assigned the Swashbuckler Paulson to run the realm.  They only had months and they'd picked their best man.

Without hesitation, the Swashbuckler Paulson terrorized the capitol and took over the Treasury.  He knew he had only months to set up the river of loot flowing into the Vandals' open coffers   The Vandals now had a new source of booty, an endless river of money that could be printed at will.

But the looting of the capitol Treasury was just beginning.  Emperor Change assumed the throne with great style and fanfare.  It would be the new day the people had hoped for.  But the Swashbuckler Paulson was a piker compared to Admiral Larry and Captain Timmy.  "X" marked the spot and that spot was the capitol.  From the halls of Congress to the White House, they ruled the realm.

Captain Timmy needed no crew of pirates to take the Treasury.  He was given the helm by Emperor Change, who remarkably had chosen Admiral Larry as his advisor.  It was the greatest victory in history and it was won without firing a shot.

As we hear about pirates in dinghies in foreign lands, we need to remember that the greatest pirates of all are on our home shores looting our Treasury every day.  There is no end in sight.

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