(Fiction, Satire)
"It's a perfect
summer day here at Orioles Park at Camden Yards in beautiful downtown
Baltimore, sunny and clear, not a cloud in the sky, with a pleasant breeze
blowing through the stadium, outstanding weather for a ballgame. If you're just
tuning in, we've got a good one going. The Orioles are finishing up a
three-game home stand with the New York Yankees and after splitting the first
two games, this is the rubber match. A win here would be a big boost for the
O's, right Ted?"
"Definitely, Bob. The
Orioles are in third place and the Yanks on top in the American League East
Division, but taking this series would put the O's in second place ahead of the
Red Sox and only one game behind New York. Both pitchers have been sharp today
and we're going into the bottom of the fourth inning with a 1-1 tie. The O's
have the heart of their lineup due up, so we'll see if they can get a rally
going here."
"OK, Ted. The
Oriole's all star centerfielder Pepe Montero steps in the box as Yankee pitcher
Bosley settles in on the mound and looks in for the pitch call from his catcher
Jamie Woodall. Bosley's first pitch is a sinker down and away and Montero
watches it go by for a called ball. Montero's 4 for 12 against Bosley this
season, a solid .333 average, so if Bosley gives him something to hit, Pepe
will take a good rip at it. We've just been handed a news bulletin which we'll
read to you after Bosley's next pitch... and it's a slider that Pepe pulls foul
over the third base line making the count 1 and 1. Ted, tell us what this
bulletin is about."
"Let's see, Bob.
Apparently undersea volcanic activity has triggered a huge landslide and a
mountainous chunk of one of the Canary Islands has broken off and fallen into
the ocean."
"Where exactly are
the Canary Islands, Ted?"
"They're off of
Spain at the other end of the Atlantic, four or five thousand miles away or so."
"At least it's not in our neck of the woods and likely to disrupt play."
"There's a little
more here, Bob. The bulletin goes on to warn-"
"Hang on there, Ted,
Pepe Montero just got some good wood on a Bosley fastball and smacked it
cleanly into left field for a standup single. The Orioles are on their feet in
the dugout - it's the first solid hit off Bosley today - and they're hoping to
get something going here in the bottom of the fourth as Dale Miller, the O's
third baseman, steps to the plate. Miller watches a fast ball miss high and
outside. What was that you were going to tell us, Ted?"
"Yes, the
bulletin. Scientists are warning that due to the enormous size of the landmass
that fell into the sea only minutes ago they expect it to cause a tsunami and-"
"Montero's off on
the pitch trying to steal second base! Woodall throws a strike to second but
it's too late. Pepe picked the right pitch to go on and got a great jump on
that Bosley change up. Woodall's throw was perfect but not in time to catch the
speedy Montero. Miller steps out of the box and looks at third base coach Walt
Wetzel to see if there's a play on. So back to the Canary Islands, Ted."
"Right. Apparently
there's a high probability of a tsunami being generated by this massive
landslide. Ships in the Atlantic are being cautioned to keep an eye out and the
Air Force is sending out observer planes and there will be further bulletins."
"All right, thanks.
Ted. Miller takes a ball, and he's sitting pretty at 2 and 0, a definite
fastball count. Bosley can't let it get to 3 and 0 with a man on second and no
one out so he's going to have to put it over the plate and Miller's settling in
and looking for something to hit."
"Well, Bob, yet
another bulletin has come in and this one's a bit more detailed. It seems there
is definitely a tsunami of major proportions in the Atlantic headed west.
Unfortunately, the tsunami alert system that has been set up in the Pacific
doesn't have a counterpart in the Atlantic so it'll take a bit longer to gather
all the information but it's being tracked and currently estimated to be
traveling at nearly five hundred miles per hour."
"Five hundred
miles per hour? Whoa. And I thought Bosley's ninety-eight mile per hour
fastball was something to see. Here's the windup, the pitch... and Miller hits
it hard and deep. It reaches the centerfield wall on the fly and Montero's
rounding third and digging for home. He'll make it easily. The throw goes into
second and Miller slides headfirst under the tag and is safe with a double and
the O's pull ahead and it's 2-1 Orioles. Bosley looks a little rattled and
pitching coach Will Carson's going out to talk to his pitcher and calm him down
so we'll have a minute to hear more about this tsunami of Ted's."
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