/>Shame can saturate our emotional life. by michaelson/bigstockphoto
Shame is a powerful and self-damaging emotion, and many
books in recent years have tackled the subject in search of its roots. Some
experts say shame is "the quintessential negative emotion"
because it influences so many different moods and behaviors.
While shame can saturate our emotional life, most
sufferers don't understand its roots deep in our psyche. (I wrote about shame
in an earlier post, " How
Deeper Awareness Can Eliminate Shame ," and this is a fresh
attempt to help readers understand the affliction.)
Shame is the painful sense that there exists a dark
secret or an exposed truth about some vile, disgusting, or pitiful aspect of
oneself. The negative emotion sometimes lies dormant until triggered by a situation
or event in a person's life. Other times, shame is active within us on a daily
basis. Whether we're conscious of our shame or not, it can play an important
role in obesity, addictions, depression, crime, violent behaviors, sexual
offenses, social phobias, career failure, outbursts of anger, and other
self-defeating behaviors.
Shame is often associated with external variables such
as our appearance, clothes, social skills, and a sense of physical and mental
ineptitude. It's also associated with inner fears such as being exposed as a
fake or phony, and experiencing or imagining ridicule over our handling of
money.
We have a better chance of overcoming shame when we know
where it comes from and how it's produced. Shame itself is a byproduct of
forces, drives, and conflicts in our psyche. It's more likely to be a problem
for us if we were harshly treated and severely punished in childhood. We're
more likely to have acquired a deep sense of being flawed, defective, unworthy,
inferior, and bad. Chances are we'll grow up with a compulsion to punish
ourselves for allegedly being a misfit or a loser, and we can use shame as a
means of administering that punishment. The blushing associated with shame (the
reddening effect on the skin of being beaten) represents the anticipation or
acceptance of punishment.
The shame-filled person "buys into" the allegations of
others (or the allegations from his or her inner critic) that he or she is a
vile, disgusting, or pitiful creature. The allegations or accusations are often
completely irrational and false. They're unfair and unkind, and have no bearing
on reality. Nonetheless, shame-prone people accept and even embrace the
accusations because the condemnation feels so familiar, right, and true. The
condemnation they once absorbed in childhood (and now absorb from their inner
critic) causes them to resonate inwardly with the "truth" of the accusations.
They're convinced emotionally that their very being is genuinely associated
with dishonor, disgrace, and unworthiness. They feel deserving of condemnation
and punishment.
We can have problems with shame even when we had good,
kind-hearted parents. Genetic factors can play a role in whether we'll be
emotionally strong or emotionally unstable. These factors can influence how
sensitive we are to the normal rough-and-tumble of childhood. It's also common
for us as children to misinterpret events and situations, and to be determined
in our self-centeredness to feel that we don't get enough love, support,
recognition, and encouragement. In this way, too, we end up with low
self-esteem, which means that we're essentially passive, that we don't have a
strong center that can protect us and represent our interests against the
aggressiveness of others as well as against the mean, irrational inner critic
that we all acquire. Shame is an emotional weakness that's often associated
with shyness and with how able we are to stand up for ourselves, on both an inner
and outer level.
Shame is a common experience for the adult children of
alcoholic parents, religious fundamentalists, narcissistic or depressed
parents, and parents who embarrassed themselves and exhibited pronounced character
weakness. The shame we felt for parents and the weakness we saw in them become
our own shame and weakness.
Shame often originates, then, out of a profoundly
passive position in our psyche. The individual is accepting punishment not for
"crimes" committed but for his or her very existence. Shame says, "I'm sorry
for who I am and I accept punishment for who I am." This is an exceedingly
passive self-assessment that borders on unconscious, non-sexual masochism. Such
masochism is a core ingredient in inner
passivity, which is the unconscious self-doubt that I write about in many
of the posts at this website.
"Doubt," wrote psychoanalyst Erik Erikson, "is the
brother of shame." Research professor Brenà © Brown has written, "Shame corrodes
the very part of us that believes we are capable of change." Put another way, inner
passivity is the part of us that believes we are in capable of change.
Parents and others have used shame as a means of
control ("For shame!" or "Shame on you!") in order to render a person compliant
and passive. People who are bullied, and have been passive to the bully,
typically feel shame in themselves. Child victims of sexual abuse are thrown
into profound passivity by the experience, and much of their shame comes from
the horror of their helplessness and paralysis against the power of the
perpetrator. The expression, "It's a crying shame," also signifies a connection
to passivity.
Literature contains examples of the connection between
shame and inner passivity. Here's an excerpt from Till We Have Faces: A Novel of Cupid and Psyche, by C.S. Lewis:
--I felt ashamed.
--But of what?
Psyche, they hadn't stripped you naked or anything?
--No, no, Maia.
Ashamed of looking like a mortal--of being a mortal.
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