20 Tips for Talking about War with Kids
Keywords: IRAQ WAR CHILDREN SAFETY FEAR TRUST TERRORISM
Description: Though your 4-year-old may not know who Saddam Hussein is,
hearing about weapons, war and "readiness" may make her feel nervous
about her safety. Dr. David Fassler urges parents to talk to their children
about war and give them the opportunity to voice any concerns or questions they
may have during this unstable time.
BURLINGTON, Vt. --
Though your 4-year-old may not know who Saddam Hussein is, hearing about
weapons, war and "readiness" on television and radio may make her feel
nervous about her safety. David Fassler, M.D., a clinical associate professor at
the University of Vermont College of Medicine and practicing child and
adolescent psychiatrist, urges parents to take the time to talk to their
children about war -- regardless of their age -- and give them the opportunity
to voice any concerns or questions they may have during this unstable time.
"War and terrorism are not easy for anyone to comprehend or accept,"
said Fassler. "Understandably, many young children feel confused, upset and
anxious. By creating an open environment where they feel free to ask questions,
we can help them cope and reduce the risk of lasting emotional
difficulties."
Fassler offers 20 tips to help parents get through this tough conversation. His
recommendations, endorsed by the American Psychiatric Association, the American
Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, and the National Alliance for the
Mentally Ill, are:
1. Create an open and supportive environment where children know they can ask
questions. At the same time, it's best not to force children to talk about
things until they're ready.
2. Give children honest answers and information. Children will usually know, or
eventually find out, if you're "making things up". It may affect their
ability to trust you or your reassurances in the future.
3. Use words and concepts children can understand. Gear your explanations to the
child's age, language and developmental level.
4. Be prepared to repeat information and explanations several times. Some
information may be hard to accept or understand. Asking the same question over
and over may also be a way for a child to ask for reassurance.
5. Acknowledge and validate the child's thoughts, feelings and reactions. Let
them know that you think questions and concerns are important and appropriate.
6. Be reassuring, but don't make unrealistic promises. It's fine to let children
know that they are safe in their house or in their school. But you can't promise
children that there won't be a war or that no one will get hurt.
7. Remember that children tend to personalize situations. For example, they may
worry about friends or relatives who live in a city or state directly or
indirectly associated with terrorist incidents.
8. Help children find ways to express themselves. Some children may not want to
talk about their thoughts, feelings or fears. They may be more comfortable
drawing pictures, playing with toys, or writing stories or poems.
9. Avoid stereotyping groups of people by country or religion. Use the
opportunity to explain prejudice and discrimination and to teach tolerance.
10. Children learn from watching their parents and teachers. Children will be
very interested in how you respond to events in the world. They will also notice
changes in your routines such as reducing business travel or modifying vacation
plans, and they will learn from listening to your conversations with other
adults.
11. Let children know how you're feeling. It's OK for children to know if you
are anxious, confused, upset or preoccupied by local or international events.
Children will usually pick it up anyway, and if they don't know the cause, they
may think it's their fault. They may worry that they've done something wrong.
12. Don't let children watch lots of TV with violent or upsetting images. Ask
local TV stations and newspapers to limit the repetition of particularly
disturbing or traumatic scenes. Many media outlets have been receptive to such
overtures.
13. Help children establish a predictable routine and schedule. Children are
reassured by structure and familiarity. School, sports, birthdays, holidays and
group activities all take on added importance.
14. Don't confront your child's defenses. If a child is reassured that things
are happening "very far away" it's probably best not to argue or
disagree. The child may be telling you that this is how they need to think about
things right now in order to feel safe.
15. Coordinate information between home and school. Parents should know about
activities their child's school has planned. Teachers should know about
discussions that take place at home, and about any particular fears, concerns or
questions a child may have mentioned.
16. Children who have experienced trauma or losses in the past are particularly
vulnerable to prolonged or intense reactions to news of war or heightened fears
of possible terrorist attacks. These children may need extra support and
attention.
17. Monitor for physical symptoms including headaches and stomachaches. Many
children express anxiety through physical aches and pains. An increase in such
symptoms without apparent medical cause may be a sign that a child is feeling
anxious or overwhelmed.
18. Children who are preoccupied with questions about war, fighting or terrorism
should be evaluated by a trained and qualified mental health professional. Other
signs that a child may need additional help include ongoing trouble sleeping,
intrusive thoughts, images, or worries, or recurring fears about death, leaving
parents or going to school. Ask your child's pediatrician, family practitioner
or school counselor to help arrange an appropriate referral.
19. Help children reach out and communicate with others. Some children may want
to write to the President or to a State or local official. Other children may
want to write a letter to a local newspaper. Still others may want to send
thoughts to soldiers or their families.
20. Let children be children. Although many parents and teachers follow the news
and the daily events with close scrutiny, many children just want to be
children. They may not want to think about what's happening halfway around the
world. They'd rather play ball, climb trees or go sledding.
Fassler serves as a Trustee at Large for the American Psychiatric Association
and is also a member of the Work Group on Consumer Issues of the American
Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Fassler's tips on "Talking to
Children about War and Terrorism" are also available online at:
- American Psychiatric Association:
www.psych.org/disaster/20tipsparents11801.cfm
- American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry:
www.aacap.org/publications/DisasterResponse/20tips.htm
- National Alliance for the Mentally Ill:
www.nami.org/youth/terrorism20tips.htm
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