OpEdNews Op Eds        7/16/2004

12 New Ways Bush Can Protect the Sanctity of Marriage

Author Unknown     Permalink
Related Topic(s): ; ; ; ; ; ; ;
- Advertisement -
12 New Ways Bush Can Protect the Sanctity of Marriage

by James Boyne (a satire on the "sanctity of marriage ")


Now that the Senate has failed to pass the legislation necessary to begin the process to enact a Constitutional ban on same sex marriages there are many other ways that Bush can forge ahead to protect the sacrosanct institution of MARRIAGE.

Many other countries and cultures have adopted a variety of measures to protect and promote the sanctity of marriage. A mere ban on same sex marriages is a "sissy " approach to making marriage a truly spiritual and uplifting lifelong commitment.

For example, President Bush and the Republican led Congress could do the following:


Enact laws to make infidelity a crime.


Enact a Constitutional Amendment prohibiting divorce.


Federalize the State laws that banned inter-racial marriages.

- Advertisement -


Adopt the Catholic Church 's prohibition against inter-religious marriages that produce mixed Catholic/Jewish/Protestant children.


Make abortion a felony with mandatory jail time for women.


Outlaw the use of condoms without a prescription from a doctor (or at the very least, hide the condoms in a cardboard box on the bottom shelf in the back of the pharmacy).


Make pre-martial sex a crime (as many of our Arab allies do).


Encourage male gender preference births as China does (where many female newborns are discarded or killed).

- Advertisement -


Re-enact the anti-sodomy laws that banned unnatural sex acts. Only natural sex acts will be permitted.


Require an IRS 1040SEX Form to be filed each year attesting to the types of sex or sexual thoughts one has had. Photos (like the ones from Abu Ghraib Prison could be submitted rather than a W-2 Form.


Censor and jail Howard Stern and the stars of "Sex In The City ", "Friends ", MTV, Brittany Spears, and Madonna for lewd and lascivious conduct.


Adopt the Arab culture of stoning to death women who are unfaithful and show disrespect toward men.


Permit the Muslim custom of killing daughters and sisters who lose their virginity and bring shame upon the family name (a perfectly normal acceptable practice among our Saudi Arabian, Ethiopian, Sudanese, Pakistani, and our new Iraqi allies). President Bush and the Republicans can learn a lot for these countries that have adopted iron-clad rules for protecting the sanctity of marriage.


Allow female genital cutting (Yikes! That must hurt.) in order to tame the wild, uncontrollable, impure urges of women.


Encourage "arranged marriages ", which is common practice in India . It is allowable, for instance, in India for a ten-year-old girl to be sold for a few head of cattle and some chickens to a seventy-year-old man. India has always been one of our staunchest allies. It is a good country.

And of course there is the final solution to protect the sanctity of marriage against the onslaught of gays and lesbians----ban gays and lesbians entirely. Hitler did it, didn 't he? Hitler 's goal was a pure Aryan race of Germans marrying Germans producing many German children. Bush and the ultra, right wing, conservative Republicans that are taking over the Republican Party could have a national goal of mass production by the pharmaceutical industry of the "Perfect American " specimen. Of course, stem cell research and cloning would have to be approved but once the pharmaceutical/health care/Republican conglomerate realized there was trillions of dollars to be made it would be totally acceptable

With all these laws and practices in place there will be little need to quibble over banning same sex marriages. With the above laws, the sanctity of marriage would be assured.

Many people have already done their part to strengthen the sanctity of marriage in the USA . More than 50% of marriages end in failure which means that most people have tried as least twice to sanctify their marriage, with a second spouse.

Rush Limbaugh has just divorced for the third time---a commendable record since he has also been in rehab for drug addiction three times (at least). Mickey Rooney has had seven or so wives; and Liz Taylor has had seven or so husbands. Larry King has had seven wives (and he 's still smiling). Brittany Spears just got married for fifty hours before she un-sanctified the marriage and now she 's ready to apparently sanctify another marriage.

I would guess that more than half of our 435 Congressmen and 100 Senators have been married at least twice in order to make sure they had marriage correctly sanctified. No one knows how many are currently sneaking around having S-E-X with their staff assistants, summer interns, or having "gay " relationships in order to get the complexities of what a sanctimonious marriage is, "straight ", in their minds.

The truth of the matter is--- "We are all nuts ".

The mere fact that we have a President of the lowly caliber of President Bush that approximately 50% of the people will vote for says a lot about America . We must be nuts.

There are 18 million people unemployed (about 12%). Our Government keeps saying there are 9 million people unemployed and that the figure is under 6% because once one has exhausted ones unemployment benefits one is no longer counted. That 's insane. What a way to count. Who is in charge of the counting?

There are 45 million people with no health insurance (mostly working people). Some estimates say that as many as 70 million may have no health insurance at any one time. No one knows for sure. Not Alan Greenspan. Not the Surgeon General. Not the General Accounting Office. Not the CIA or the FBI. No one knows. And apparently no one cares. We must be nuts.

Bush has already spent over $300 billion on Iraq , a country whose people hate our guts. No one seems to know where the $300 billion was spent or what it is being spent on (except maybe Dick Cheney). Will we spend $1 trillion on Iraq ? Iraq looks like one hell of a place----to avoid. We could have spent $1 trillion on lower Manhattan . That would have made more sense.

We have spent over $100 billion on Homeland Security so far (taking it from our Education Budget and our funds for State and local governments) and Tom Ridge , Director of Homeland Security, announces that "something big, and something bad is going to happen, and we can 't stop it ". What in God 's name have we spent $100 billion on when we are in the same position that we were in on September 10, 2001, the day before 9/11.

The pharmaceutical and health care insurance industry are making sure that every American, regardless of how wealthy they may be, will die penniless. We must all be nuts because we keep electing the same politicians who are arrogant, uncaring, uncompassionate, self centered, greedy, manipulative and sinister.

The goal of most major corporations seems to be that employee and company loyalty should last no longer than 5 years. That way, all retirement health care benefits, 401k plans, and retirement pension plans become a thing the past; a distant memory of the olden days. We must all be nuts not to see this happening.

My guess is that if President Bush had to reach into his own back pocket and take that $1 trillion out of his own wallet, he wouldn 't be quite so "liberal " with the taxpayers money. Furthermore, if he had two sons and his father where over in Baghdad, and they all had Army helmets on and were riding around in Humvees with their machine guns in hand----I don 't think he would be saying to the insurgents and the terrorists---- "Bring 'em on " ! My guess is that he would be saying, "Holy sh*t, I just spent $1 trillion of my own money on this mess and my family is about to get their ass blown off by a bunch of unappreciative, religious and cultural fanatics who hate our guts ". "What have I done? ". "Here I am, President of the United States and I don 't know what I 'm doin '? "

You know what? I must be nuts. This article is entitled "12 New Ways Bush Can Protect the Sanctity of Marriage " and here I am off on a tangent about totally irrelevant issues like 70 million people with no health care; 18 million people unemployed; a pharmaceutical/health care industry that is about to implode; half trillion dollar deficits to support $1 trillion dollar wars; Homeland Security designed to scare the heebie-jeebies out of us; and the debate of the century, "family values " (whatever that is?).

I think I will now go----and peek out my Venetian blinds to see if there are any "same-sex people " out there attempting to engage in same sex marriage. If I do, I will report them to the local Homeland Security Department (wherever that is) as a threat to our national homeland security and a threat to the bedrock of the very foundations upon which our Constitution was founded. Whew !

James Boyne


James Boyne is a satirical, political freelance writer and has five other articles published on www.opednews.com. He has previously been a diehard, staunch, conservative Republican who has voted for Goldwater, Nixon, Ford, Reagan, Bush I and Bush II, and now has made a 180 degree turnabout and supports the candidacy of Congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), who appears to have the most integrity, honesty, common sense, straightforwardness, enthusiasm, optimism, and "fire in the belly " to be possibly the best President in recent memory. He is a progressive, populist, liberal, Democrat and is a man of principal, intelligence and experience. Mr. Kucinich comes from a humble background and clearly spells out his positions on issues on his web site www.kucinich.us so there is no question where he stands on issues. Assuming the inevitable, that Mr. Kucinich is not nominated; Mr. Boyne plans to vote for Senators Kerry and Edwards as the only way to save our country from economic disaster.

**It is the responsibility of all Americans to vote. You should know where all the candidates stand on different issues; why they believe what they do; how they plan on carrying out their plans (rather than just empty promises); and get a sense for their character, honesty, commitment, integrity and their vision for America and for the world. You should know what their background is. How did they get to where they are now. Know their life, and you will know them.

Other Articles By James Boyne on www.opednews.com:

36 Reasons To Vote For Bush

 President Booosh: We Are In A Pickle

Living Sickly, Dying Quickly

Whoops! Billion Dollar Cancer Drug Found to Cause Cancer To Hasten Death

Bush: The Greatest Liberal of the Century

"So Rush Just Wanted A Rush"---the Media Gives Rush Limbaugh a Break

Was I Globalized or Circumcized? (What It's Really Like To Get Laid Off)

Bush's Secret Iraq Exit Strategy

I'm A Stem Cell and I'm Mad As Hell

Father's Day Chat Between George W. Bush and George H. W. Bush

Everything In America to be Renamed After Ronald Reagan

Bush Honors Veterans By Slashing $1 Billion From Veterans Benefits

National Rifle Association Opens Office In Baghdad


The views expressed in this article are the sole responsibility of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of this website or its editors.

Writers Guidelines

Contact EditorContact Editor
- Advertisement -
Google Content Matches: