(Writers Note: For all those who recall the Nixon Watergate Oval Office recorded conversations and the Vietnam Oval Office recordings of President Johnson, the following fictional conversation between George W. and his Dad is, I would guess ,is a plausible and typical phone conversation between two Presidents (one current and one former) of the most powerful, influential nation on earth. Some day we will probably hear this type of gibberish as part of the archives of our former great leader.)
President Bush: Hi Dad, how ya doin '? Happy Father 's Day.
Former Pres. Bush: Oh, Hi Georgie. Good, how 's the war in Iraq going?
President Bush: Doin ' good, Dad. Some minor problems but nothin ' to worry about. We killed a lot of bad guys. You know. Those damn evil doers.
Former Pres. Bush: That 's great. I 'll have to tell Barbara and the kids. So what 's the minor problems you mentioned?
President Bush: Nothin ' really. It ' just that this damn war is costing a bit more than I thought. About $200 billion so far, and a billion a week, but we 'll just use the ole MasterCard, huh, huh, huh!
Former Pres. Bush: That 's funny. Don 't worry about it Georgie. Just keep pluggin ' away. How 's your golf game coming along?
President Bush: Great. I played three days last week. I always win because nobody wants to beat the President, huh, huh huh!
Former Pres. Bush: Hey Georgie, how much longer do you think we will be in Iraq ?
President Bush: Got me! Some of those damn Democrats are trying to use it against me in the campaign so I 'm tryin ' to pretend we are outta there by June 30th. There 's already 800 of our guys dead, so that 's not goin 'over so good. God, I hate funerals. I hate that part of this job. And Dick Cheney refuses to go to any of them. How did you ever do it?
Former Pres. Bush: It wasn 't that bad for me. I use to send my Vice President to the funerals.
President Bush: Oh yeah, who was that guy again.
Former Pres. Bush: Let me think .....Dan something. Oh yeah, Dan Quayle.
President Bush: Oh yeah, boy he was a dud huh. You could have won again if it wasn 't for Danny boy. He couldn 't even spell potatoe, remember that, huh, huh, huh. How do you spell it anyway?
Former Pres. Bush: Got me. In Desert Storm the grand finale was that "Highway of Death " where we obliterated and cooked a few thousand of the bad guys. At least I think they were bad guys. It was hard to tell. It was like bombing I-95 at rush hour. How can you tell the good guys from the bad guys? Colin Powell said it looked "unseemly " to be killing so many Iraqis so he had me cut short the war and we never did get to go into Baghdad . Oh well. That guy Colin, he sure is a chicken-sh*t. Just listen to Dick Cheney for advice. He knows what to do. His entire fortune depends on lots of bombs falling and bullets flying. He 's one hell of a guy.
President Bush: Yeah, I hope his heart holds out, huh, huh, huh!
Former Pres. Bush: Ha, ha, yeah.
President Bush: Yeah, I don 't know what I 'd do if it wasn 't for this war. Health insurance, and unemployment, and interest rates, and Medicare, and the budget and the economy sure is boring. I can 't even stay awake during some of the meetings on the budget. All they talk about is money, money, money. What 's a few hundred billion here or there anyway? I don 't know what the big deal is. Hey, Dad, here 's a trick question that Karl Rove asked me the other day.
Former Pres. Bush: What?
President Bush: What 's better, a surplus or a deficit?
Former Pres. Bush: If I remember right, I think it 's a surplus. I 'll ask Barbara again. She handles the checkbook. Yes, I 'm sure it 's a surplus now that I think about it, because it means you have some extra stuff. A deficit means that you are a little short, I think. Ask your Treasury Secretary, he 'll know.
President Bush: Who 's the Treasury Secretary again?
Former Pres. Bush: I think he 's that new guy called something Snow. John Snow maybe. I 'm not sure. Ask Greenspan. He knows everything.
President Bush: Yes, boy is he smart. Someone told me he even knows long division and how to change decimals into fractions. Boy, I always wished I was good at math. What 's Algebra anyway?
Former Pres. Bush: I 'm not sure. I think I took it 60 years ago.
Former Pres. Bush: Hey, what 's with the prison abuse thing I keep reading about?
President Bush: Nothin ' really. Just some damn Iraqis who keep complaining about being locked up and some of our guys who can 't keep their damn mouths shut. Some of those female soldiers just getting a bit overly horny, huh, huh, huh! Did you see the picture of the guy with the hood on who was attached to the wires standing from the box? And how about the naked Iraqi on the dog leash, huh, huh, huh. I cracked up when I saw that one. And the girl soldier pointing at the Iraqis wee-wee and giving a "thumbs up ". I liked that one. I don 't think the one with the dog about to bite the Iraqi prisoner was so good though. Lot 's of dog lovers out there. It could cost me some "dog lover votes ". I certainly wouldn 't have double prints made of those, huh, huh, huh.
Former Pres. Bush: Don 't worry it will all blow over.
President Bush: Yeah, I know. Maybe Rush Limburger Cheese (huh, huh, huh) and Bill O 'Factor Reilly can help me out. Laura really likes dose guys.
Former Pres. Bush: Hey Georgie, how is the health care insurance crisis coming along.
President Bush: Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. I 'll work on that in a few weeks. There are about 20 million seniors that are pissed as hell at me because that new Medicare plan is goin ' to give about $500 billion to the drug and health insurance companies and not much money to the seniors----complaints, complaints, complaints. All they do is whine. Boy, old people sure are annoying.
Hey, I like dem guys down at Aetna, and United Healthcare and Pfizer and Bristol Meyers. Dhey gave me a lot of campaign money this year. Almost $200 million. Anyway, dem old seniors can sure be demanding. What the hell do dey want from me? I 'm only the President. It 's not like I am the Pope, huh, huh, huh! Besides, Laura says our health plan is fine. It pays for 100% of doctor 's visits, hospital stays, and all our medication, and she doesn 't think that I should make any changes. I can 't help it if 45 million people don 't have health insurance. Besides it doesn 't really matter anyway 'cause Carl Rove told me that most of the people with no health insurance are from Kentucky, West Virginia, Tennessee, and Ohio. Hey, if Daniel Boone and Davey Crockett didn 't have health insurance what the hell to all those mountain people need it for anyway. Besides, Carl said that everyone in Palm Springs, CA and Westport, CT had plenty of insurance. If everyone had health insurance, that wouldn 't be fair. One CEO told me they are going to outsource 95% of all their work over to India so when they raise the premiums every year they can make even more money for America. Dose CEO guys sure are smart. And its all for America.
Just think what would happen if everyone had a job and there was 0% unemployment? That would really screw things up. The minimum wage would probably shoot up to over $6.00 an hour. That would sure as hell shoot the hell out of my nice big campaign contributions that I get from my Fortune 500 friends. I better be careful. Health insurance for everyone and full employment could cost me the election. Everyone would think I was some kind of liberal or something.
Former Pres. Bush: How 's the "No Child Left Behind " program going.
President Bush: I don 't know. I haven 't had a meeting on that in a few months. I forget what it is. I think its goin ' good though. Lot 's of kids got promoted this year. Laura read a book to some third graders last week. It was on Tom Brokaw. She looked good. Did you see her? She had a new dress on. I 'm not sure how many kids got left behind in the "No Child Left Behind " program. I don 't know who keeps count of it all, huh, huh, huh.
President Bush: Hey Dad. I got another problem. I got the whole Goddamn Christian coalition, the Baptists, the Evangelicals,( whatever they are), and especially the Catholics breathing down my neck about this abortion thing and the stem cell research and cloning. They won 't stop calling. They are worse then telemarketers.
Former Pres. Bush: So what 's the question?
President Bush: I don 't want to sound stupid but what the hell is a stem cell anyway? And am I supposed to be Pro-Life or Pro-Choice or Pro-Abortion or Anti-Abortion or Anti-Stem Cell Research or Pro Stem Cell Research or Pro-Cloning or Anti-Cloning.
Someone asked me the other day if I was anti-slavery and I forgot for a moment and said that I was pro-slavery. Luckily, I clarified myself and said that I was not for cloning slaves but as long as they were pro choice then I didn 't care if they were free and they could be allowed to do stem cell research on Iraqi prisoners, if they didn 't spill the beans and confess to atrocities.
Boy, it gets confusing. Do you think Greenspan could figure all this out. I heard he knows Trigonometry. I wonder if he knows anything about Biology. I always thought stems had something to do with plants, or stems on flowers, like long stem roses. Now they tell me it has something to do with little, unborn people that they call "eggs ". I wonder how little unborn people have to be before they aren 't people yet. I wonder if midgets are people, huh, huh, huh ! Boy, its crazy all you have to know for this job. Biology, Math, Readin '. God, I hate readin '.
Former Pres. Bush: Yeah, just keep pluggin ' away. All you have to do to be President is to just act like you know what you are doing. You 're really good at that. You must have gotten it from watching me in the White House.
President Bush: Yeah. I like the speechwriters. They really come to the rescue for me. I don 't know what the hell to say about any of this stuff most of the time, but Carl Rove, and some of the speechwriters just whip up a speech, and I read it off the teleprompter thing and it gets on Dan Rather, Tom Browkaw, and Peter Jennings and it looks real good. I love the State of the Union Address the best. Boy, everyone stands and applauds after every single sentence in the speech. Gives me goose bumps to be that good. All I have to do is keep those Fortune 500 CEO 's happy and I think everything will work out.
Hey Dad, did you see the last State of the Union Address I gave?
Former Pres. Bush: Yeah, me and Barbara and the whole family were applauding like crazy after every sentence you said. The speech at the Air Force Academy this week was good too. Who wrote the speech for you?
President Bush: I don 't ' know. Some intern probably. Hey, how did you like my comment about crackin ' down on steroid use in the State of the Union address? You know, Carl Rove said that 's a big problem today. Lots of guys walking around with fake muscles. It 's not fair to people like me who really work out and can 't get muscles as big as the guys that use them steroids. Maybe, we should have a "War on Steroids ", huh, huh, huh. You know, make it a big thing. Put lots of people, lots of liberals, in jail.
President Bush: Hey Dad. Have you been to Kennebunkport lately?
Former Pres. Bush: Yeah. Last week.
President Bush: Hey, I have a confession to make. I just gave the Energy guy the go ahead to set up 100 massive oil platforms to drill for oil right off Kennebunkport. He 's from Enron.
Former Pres. Bush: Whaaaaaaaatttttt!
President Bush: Only kiddin ' Dad. Huh, huh, huh, huh !
Former Pres. Bush: Hey Georgie, what 's with the price of gas?
President Bush: What about it Dad?
Former Pres. Bush: It 's over $2 a gallon.
President Bush: Is that good or bad? No one 's mentioned it to me. I think I saw something about it on Dan Rather though the other night. I don 't know. I never drive much anymore except in that little golf cart. I just step on the pedal and it goes. I think its electric. Hey, maybe the whole nation should give up their cars and get golf carts, huh, huh, huh. Those golf carts are fun. They give you the feeling of power. I love 'em. Hey, at least $2 a gallon for gas is cheaper than a gallon of milk. What the hell is everyone complaining about? Ya gotta think positive.
Former Pres. Bush: Yeah, good point. You 're smarter than you think Georgie.
President Bush: Yeah, thanks Dad. I 'm glad you got me in Yale. Hey Dad, I think I have a good idea. Rumsfeld suggested it.
Former Pres. Bush: Wha 'd he suggest.
President Bush: Rumsfeld said that maybe we should start the "Shock and Awe " thing up again. You know, have about a week of a few thousand cruise missiles, lots of smart bombs, and B-1 Bombers flying from Missouri to Iraq, and big aircraft carriers with lots of F-114 and stealth jets taking off. You gotta admit that was the best part of the war. Everyone really liked it. Except for the Iraqis, huh, huh, huh.
Former Pres. Bush: I don 't know Georgie. What 's Laura think? I could run it by Barbara. She has a lot of common sense.
President Bush: Yeah, ask Mom for me.
Former Pres. Bush: OK. Hey, you did a great job of getting rid of that CIA guy George Tenet. I used to be head of the CIA. It 's a pretty easy job. You just spy on people. It 's no big thing. You just have to "think sneaky ".
President Bush: Gee, I didn 't even know you were once head of the CIA. God knows how I missed that. Maybe that was back in my drinking days. Oh well. Yeah, I just called in Tenet and gave him the ole Donald Trump routine "YOU 'RE FIRED "! Huh, huh, huh!
President Bush: I told Colin about maybe having a second "Shock and Awe " campaign, and guess what, now he wants to resign. What a chicken sh*t. He said we didn 't have any more targets. So I told him we could always bomb Targets, you know, the department store, huh, huh, huh.
Former Pres. Bush: That 's funny. I don 't think there are any Targets Department Stores in Iraq though. Maybe we can build some and bomb the hell out of them. Wal-Mart would love that. We 'd lock in the Wal-Mart vote. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
President Bush: Yeah. Oh well. Hey, I saw you parachute this week. That was a great photo-op for ME. Half the seniors probably got you confused with me, since most of them are so confused anyway. How was it. Hope you have a good insurance policy, huh, huh, huh.
Former Pres. Bush: It was great. I really can 't do it anymore so Barbara insisted that I do one of those tandem jumps where I get some professional to hug me and jumps out of the plane with me. You know, just like you couldn 't really land that jet on the aircraft carrier by yourself. Hey, it 's all just for the effing photographers and to getthe Bush name and our pictures on the front page. What a racket. Lot 's of fun though. Yeah, I got a good insurance policy. Covers everything. Even jumping out of an airplane. It 's great being a former President. Hey, I can 't help every last soul that doesn 't have insurance. There are 45 million Americans with no insurance. They 're probably all Democrats anyway. Poor people. People out of work. People who can 't afford insurance premiums. What do they want from you and me. You are only the President of the United States of America and I am only the former President of the United States of America. What the hell do they want from two regular guys like us. Hey, Georgie, even if you don 't get re-elected you can make about $100,000 a speech for mumbling a few words in front of an audience. It 's like money falling from trees. Being a Former President is better than being President. Anyway, I bet half those 45 million with no insurance are so stupid they don 't even know they don 't health insurance. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Former President Bush: Hey Georgie, what did you think of all the hoopla over Reagan dying. I bet you picked up a few votes this week between Ronnie dying and me jumping out of the airplane. Too bad we couldn 't have the Pope make Reagan a Saint. We 'd probably pick up a few more Catholic votes. Ha, ha, ha.
President Bush: Yeah, huh, huh, huh. Me and Laura met the Pope last week when I made that Normandy trip. What happened in Normandy again anyway? Oh yeah, D-Day. Anyway, I swung by the Vatican. I think its in Italy and me and Laura saw the Pope. She always wanted to see the Pope. She wants to meet Chere next, and then Tom Cruise. We met the Pope for about 3 minutes. He doesn 't say much. He 's strange. He just said something like, "War bad ". So me and Laura gave him a little gift and he gave us a little religious memento or something and then we left. He didn 't offer us lunch or nothin '. Those Catholics are strange. Almost as bad as those Fallwell people, huh, huh, huh. Whoops, I better go.
Former Pres. Bush: What 's going on?
President Bush: Carl Rove wants me to walk across the White House lawn again and get into the helicopter so I look like I am going somewhere important. You know. I just walk across the lawn with the dog, wave to the cameras, salute the marine as I spring up the stairs to the helicopter, and that 's it.
Former Pres. Bush: Then what do you do?
President Bush: Usually I just read a few comic books for about a half hour or so and then I get off the helicopter, salute that marine again, and walk across the White House lawn with the dog and wave to the cameras again. It makes it look like I am coming from somewhere important. Sometimes Laura gets on the helicopter with me so we can lock in the "happily married Christian couple " voters. Have you seen me on Dan Rather?
Former Pres. Bush: Yeah.
President Bush: Yeah. Dan and Tom Brokaw, and Peter Jennings and CNN; they never get tired of showing me getting on and off the helicopter. I bet they have showed that same scene of me over a thousand times. All I have to do is walk to the helicopter and wave and I get on TV.
Former Pres. Bush: OK, son, I mean Mr. President, I 'll let you go. Keep up the good work.
President Bush: Thanks, Dad. I mean, Mr. President, huh, huh, huh, huh! Happy Father 's Day.
James Boyne is a satirical, political freelance writer and has five other articles published on www.opednews.com. He has previously been a diehard, staunch, conservative Republican who has voted for Goldwater, Nixon, Ford, Reagan, Bush I and Bush II, and now has made a 180 degree turnabout and supports the candidacy of Congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), who appears to have the most integrity, honesty, common sense, straightforwardness, enthusiasm, optimism, and "fire in the belly " to be possibly the best President in recent memory. He is a progressive, populist, liberal, Democrat and is a man of principal, intelligence and experience. Mr. Kucinich comes from a humble background and clearly spells out his positions on issues on his web site www.kucinich.us so there is no question where he stands on issues.
**It is the responsibility of all Americans to vote. You should know where all the candidates stand on different issues; why they believe what they do; how they plan on carrying out their plans (rather than just empty promises); and get a sense for their character, honesty, commitment, integrity and their vision for America and for the world. You should know what their background is. How did they get to where they are now. Know their life, and you will know them.
Other Articles By James Boyne on www.opednews.com: