A Father’s Day chat between
George W. Bush and George H. W.
Bush
By: James
Boyne
OpEdNews.Com
(Writers Note: For all those who
recall the Nixon Watergate Oval Office recorded conversations and the
Vietnam Oval Office recordings of President Johnson, the following
fictional conversation between George W. and his Dad is, I would guess ,is
a plausible and typical phone conversation between two Presidents (one
current and one former) of the most powerful, influential nation on earth.
Some day we will probably hear this type of gibberish as part of the
archives of our former great leader.)
President Bush: Hi
Dad, how ya doin’? Happy Father’s Day.
Former Pres. Bush:
Oh, Hi Georgie. Good, how’s the war in
Iraq
going?
President Bush: Doin’
good, Dad. Some minor problems but nothin’ to worry about. We killed a
lot of bad guys. You know. Those damn evil doers.
Former Pres. Bush:
That’s great. I’ll have to tell Barbara and the kids. So
what’s the minor problems you mentioned?
President Bush: Nothin’
really. It’ just that this damn war is costing a bit more than I
thought. About $200 billion so far, and a billion a week, but we’ll just
use the ole MasterCard, huh, huh, huh!
Former Pres. Bush:
That’s funny. Don’t worry about it Georgie. Just keep
pluggin’ away. How’s your golf game coming along?
President Bush: Great.
I played three days last week. I always win because nobody wants to beat
the President, huh, huh huh!
Former Pres. Bush:
Hey Georgie, how much longer do you think we will be in
Iraq
?
President Bush: Got
me! Some of those damn Democrats are trying to use it against me in the
campaign so I’m tryin’ to pretend we are outta there by June 30th.
There’s already 800 of our guys dead, so that’s not goin’over so
good. God, I hate funerals. I hate that part of this job. And Dick Cheney
refuses to go to any of them. How did you ever do it?
Former Pres. Bush:
It wasn’t that bad for me. I use to send my Vice President
to the funerals.
President Bush: Oh
yeah, who was that guy again.
Former Pres. Bush:
Let me think…..Dan something. Oh yeah, Dan Quayle.
President Bush: Oh
yeah, boy he was a dud huh. You could have won again if it wasn’t for
Danny boy. He couldn’t even spell potatoe, remember that, huh, huh, huh.
How do you spell it anyway?
Former Pres. Bush:
Got me. In Desert Storm the grand finale was that “Highway
of Death” where we obliterated and cooked a few thousand of the bad
guys. At least I think they were bad guys. It was hard to tell. It was
like bombing I-95 at rush hour. How can you tell the good guys from the
bad guys? Colin Powell said it looked “unseemly” to be killing so many
Iraqis so he had me cut short the war and we never did get to go into
Baghdad
. Oh well. That guy Colin, he sure is a chicken-shit. Just listen to Dick
Cheney for advice. He knows what to do. His entire fortune depends on lots
of bombs falling and bullets flying. He’s one hell of a guy.
President Bush: Yeah,
I hope his heart holds out, huh, huh, huh!
Former Pres. Bush:
Ha, ha, yeah.
President Bush: Yeah,
I don’t know what I’d do if it wasn’t for this war. Health
insurance, and unemployment, and interest rates, and Medicare, and the
budget and the economy sure is boring. I can’t even stay awake during
some of the meetings on the budget. All they talk about is money, money,
money. What’s a few hundred billion here or there anyway? I don’t know
what the big deal is. Hey, Dad, here’s a trick question that Karl Rove
asked me the other day.
Former Pres. Bush:
What?
President Bush: What’s
better, a surplus or a deficit?
Former Pres. Bush:
If I remember right, I think it’s a surplus. I’ll ask Barbara
again. She handles the checkbook. Yes, I’m sure it’s a surplus now
that I think about it, because it means you have some extra stuff. A
deficit means that you are a little short, I think. Ask your Treasury
Secretary, he’ll know.
President Bush: Who’s
the Treasury Secretary again?
Former Pres. Bush:
I think he’s that new guy called something Snow. John Snow maybe.
I’m not sure. Ask Greenspan. He knows everything.
President Bush: Yes,
boy is he smart. Someone told me he even knows long division and how to
change decimals into fractions. Boy, I always wished I was good at math.
What’s Algebra anyway?
Former Pres.
Bush:
I’m not sure. I think I took it 60 years ago.
Former Pres. Bush:
Hey, what’s with the prison abuse thing I keep reading
about?
President Bush: Nothin’
really. Just some damn Iraqis who keep complaining about being locked up
and some of our guys who can’t keep their damn mouths shut. Some of
those female soldiers just getting a bit overly horny, huh, huh, huh! Did
you see the picture of the guy with the hood on who was attached to the
wires standing from the box? And how about the naked Iraqi on the dog
leash, huh, huh, huh. I cracked up when I saw that one. And the girl
soldier pointing at the Iraqis wee-wee and giving a “thumbs up”. I
liked that one. I don’t think the one with the dog about to bite the
Iraqi prisoner was so good though. Lot’s of dog lovers out there. It
could cost me some “dog lover votes”. I certainly wouldn’t have
double prints made of those, huh, huh, huh.
Former Pres. Bush:
Don’t worry it will all blow over.
President Bush: Yeah,
I know. Maybe Rush Limburger Cheese (huh, huh, huh) and Bill O’Factor
Reilly can help me out. Laura really likes dose guys.
Former Pres. Bush:
Hey Georgie, how is the health care insurance crisis coming
along.
President Bush: Oh,
yeah. I forgot about that. I’ll work on that in a few weeks. There are
about 20 million seniors that are pissed as hell at me because that new
Medicare plan is goin’ to give about $500 billion to the drug and health
insurance companies and not much money to the seniors----complaints,
complaints, complaints. All they do is whine. Boy, old people sure are
annoying.
Hey,
I like dem guys down at Aetna, and United Healthcare and Pfizer and
Bristol Meyers. Dhey gave me a lot of campaign money this year. Almost
$200 million. Anyway, dem old seniors can sure be demanding. What the hell
do dey want from me? I’m only the President. It’s not like I am the
Pope, huh, huh, huh! Besides, Laura says our health plan is fine. It pays
for 100% of doctor’s visits, hospital stays, and all our medication, and
she doesn’t think that I should make any changes. I can’t help it if
45 million people don’t have health insurance. Besides it doesn’t
really matter anyway ‘cause Carl Rove told me that most of the people
with no health insurance are from Kentucky, West Virginia, Tennessee, and
Ohio. Hey, if Daniel Boone and Davey Crockett didn’t have health
insurance what the hell to all those mountain people need it for anyway.
Besides, Carl said that everyone in Palm Springs, CA and Westport, CT had
plenty of insurance. If everyone had health insurance, that wouldn’t be
fair. One CEO told me they are going to outsource 95% of all their work
over to India so when they raise the premiums every year they can make
even more money for America. Dose CEO guys sure are smart. And its all for
America.
Just
think what would happen if everyone had a job and there was 0%
unemployment? That would really screw things up. The minimum wage would
probably shoot up to over $6.00 an hour. That would sure as hell shoot the
hell out of my nice big campaign contributions that I get from my Fortune
500 friends. I better be careful. Health insurance for everyone and full
employment could cost me the election. Everyone would think I was some
kind of liberal or something.
Former Pres. Bush:
How’s the
“No Child Left Behind” program going.
President Bush: I
don’t know. I haven’t had a meeting on that in a few months. I forget
what it is. I think its goin’ good though. Lot’s of kids got promoted
this year. Laura read a book to some third graders last week. It was on
Tom Brokaw. She looked good. Did you see her? She had a new dress on.
I’m not sure how many kids got left behind in the “No Child Left
Behind” program. I don’t know who keeps count of it all, huh, huh,
huh.
President Bush: Hey
Dad. I got another problem. I got the whole Goddamn Christian coalition,
the Baptists, the Evangelicals,( whatever they are), and especially the
Catholics breathing down my neck about this abortion thing and the stem
cell research and cloning. They won’t stop calling. They are worse then
telemarketers.
Former Pres. Bush:
So what’s the question?
President Bush: I
don’t want to sound stupid but what the hell is a stem cell anyway? And
am I supposed to be Pro-Life or Pro-Choice or Pro-Abortion or
Anti-Abortion or Anti-Stem Cell Research or Pro Stem Cell Research or
Pro-Cloning or Anti-Cloning.
Someone
asked me the other day if I was anti-slavery and I forgot for a moment and
said that I was pro-slavery. Luckily, I clarified myself and said that I
was not for cloning slaves but as long as they were pro choice then I
didn’t care if they were free and they could be allowed to do stem cell
research on Iraqi prisoners, if they didn’t spill the beans and confess
to atrocities.
Boy, it gets confusing.
Do you think Greenspan could figure all this out. I heard he knows
Trigonometry. I wonder if he knows anything about Biology. I always
thought stems had something to do with plants, or stems on flowers, like
long stem roses. Now they tell me it has something to do with little,
unborn people that they call “eggs”. I wonder how little unborn people
have to be before they aren’t people yet. I wonder if midgets are
people, huh, huh, huh ! Boy, its crazy all you have to know for this job.
Biology, Math, Readin’. God, I hate readin’.
Former Pres. Bush:
Yeah, just keep pluggin’ away. All you have to do to be
President is to just act like you know what you are doing. You’re really
good at that. You must have gotten it from watching me in the White House.
President Bush: Yeah.
I like the speechwriters. They really come to the rescue for me. I don’t
know what the hell to say about any of this stuff most of the time, but
Carl Rove, and some of the speechwriters just whip up a speech, and I read
it off the teleprompter thing and it gets on Dan Rather, Tom Browkaw, and
Peter Jennings and it looks real good. I love the State of the Union
Address the best. Boy, everyone stands and applauds after every single
sentence in the speech. Gives me goose bumps to be that good. All I have
to do is keep those Fortune 500 CEO’s happy and I think everything will
work out.
Hey Dad, did you see the
last State of the Union Address I gave?
Former Pres. Bush:
Yeah, me and Barbara and the whole family were
applauding like crazy after every sentence you said. The speech at the Air
Force Academy this week was good too. Who wrote the speech for you?
President Bush: I
don’t’ know. Some intern probably. Hey, how did you like my
comment about crackin’ down on steroid use in the State of the Union
address? You know, Carl Rove said that’s a big problem today. Lots of
guys walking around with fake muscles. It’s not fair to people like me
who really work out and can’t get muscles as big as the guys that use
them steroids. Maybe, we should have a “War on Steroids”, huh, huh,
huh. You know, make it a big thing. Put lots of people, lots of liberals,
in jail.
President Bush: Hey
Dad. Have you been to Kennebunkport lately?
Former Pres. Bush:
Yeah. Last week.
President Bush: Hey,
I have a confession to make. I just gave the Energy guy the go ahead to
set up 100 massive oil platforms to drill for oil right off Kennebunkport.
He’s from Enron.
Former Pres. Bush:
Whaaaaaaaatttttt!
President Bush: Only
kiddin’ Dad. Huh, huh, huh, huh !
Former Pres. Bush:
Hey Georgie, what’s with the price of gas?
President Bush: What
about it Dad?
Former Pres. Bush:
It’s over $2 a gallon.
President Bush: Is
that good or bad? No one’s
mentioned it to me. I think I saw something about it on Dan Rather though
the other night. I don’t know. I never drive much anymore except in that
little golf cart. I just step on the pedal and it goes. I think its
electric. Hey, maybe the whole nation should give up their cars and get
golf carts, huh, huh, huh. Those golf carts are fun. They give you the
feeling of power. I love ‘em. Hey, at least $2 a gallon for gas is
cheaper than a gallon of milk. What the hell is everyone complaining
about? Ya gotta think positive.
Former Pres. Bush:
Yeah, good point. You’re smarter than you think Georgie.
President Bush: Yeah,
thanks Dad. I’m glad you got me in Yale. Hey Dad, I think I have a good
idea. Rumsfeld suggested it.
Former Pres. Bush:
Wha’d he suggest.
President Bush: Rumsfeld
said that maybe we should start the “Shock and Awe” thing up again.
You know, have about a week of a few thousand cruise missiles, lots of
smart bombs, and B-1 Bombers flying from Missouri to Iraq, and big
aircraft carriers with lots of F-114 and stealth jets taking off. You
gotta admit that was the best part of the war. Everyone really liked it.
Except for the Iraqis, huh, huh, huh.
Former Pres. Bush:
I don’t know Georgie. What’s Laura think? I could run it
by Barbara. She has a lot of common sense.
President Bush: Yeah,
ask Mom for me.
Former Pres. Bush:
OK. Hey, you did a great job of getting rid of that
CIA guy George Tenet. I used to be head of the CIA. It’s a pretty easy
job. You just spy on people. It’s no big thing. You just have to
“think sneaky”.
President Bush: Gee,
I didn’t even know you were once head of the CIA. God knows how I missed
that. Maybe that was back in my drinking days. Oh well. Yeah, I just
called in Tenet and gave him the ole Donald Trump routine “YOU’RE
FIRED”! Huh, huh, huh!
President Bush: I
told Colin about maybe having a second “Shock and Awe” campaign, and
guess what, now he wants to resign. What a chicken shit. He said we
didn’t have any more targets. So I told him we could always bomb
Targets, you know, the department store, huh, huh, huh.
Former Pres. Bush:
That’s funny. I don’t think there are any Targets
Department Stores in Iraq
though. Maybe we can build some and bomb the hell out of them. Wal-Mart
would love that. We’d lock in the Wal-Mart vote. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
President Bush:
Yeah. Oh well. Hey, I saw you parachute this week. That was a great
photo-op for ME. Half the seniors probably got you confused with
me, since most of them are so confused anyway. How was it. Hope you have a
good insurance policy, huh, huh, huh.
Former Pres. Bush:
It was great. I really can’t do it anymore so Barbara insisted
that I do one of those tandem jumps where I get some professional to hug
me and jumps out of the plane with me. You know, just like you couldn’t
really land that jet on the aircraft carrier by yourself. Hey, it’s all
just for the effing photographers and to getthe Bush name and our pictures
on the front page. What a racket. Lot’s of fun though. Yeah, I got a
good insurance policy. Covers everything. Even jumping out of an airplane.
It’s great being a former President. Hey, I can’t help every last soul
that doesn’t have insurance. There are 45 million Americans with no
insurance. They’re probably all Democrats anyway. Poor people. People
out of work. People who can’t afford insurance premiums. What do they
want from you and me. You are only the President of the United States of
America and I am only the former President of the United States of
America. What the hell do they want from two regular guys like us. Hey,
Georgie, even if you don’t get re-elected you can make about $100,000 a
speech for mumbling a few words in front of an audience. It’s like money
falling from trees. Being a Former President is better than being
President. Anyway, I bet half those 45 million with no insurance are so
stupid they don’t even know they don’t health insurance. Ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha.
Former President Bush:
Hey Georgie, what did you think of all the hoopla over Reagan
dying. I bet you picked up a few votes this week between Ronnie dying and
me jumping out of the airplane. Too bad we couldn’t have the Pope make
Reagan a Saint. We’d probably pick up a few more Catholic votes. Ha, ha,
ha.
President Bush: Yeah, huh, huh, huh. Me and Laura met the
Pope last week when I made that Normandy trip. What happened in Normandy
again anyway? Oh yeah, D-Day. Anyway, I swung by the Vatican. I think its
in Italy and me and Laura saw the Pope. She always wanted to see the Pope.
She wants to meet Chere next, and then Tom Cruise. We met the Pope for
about 3 minutes. He doesn’t say much. He’s strange. He just said
something like, “War bad”. So me and Laura gave him a little gift and
he gave us a little religious memento or something and then we left. He
didn’t offer us lunch or nothin’. Those Catholics are strange. Almost
as bad as those Fallwell people, huh, huh, huh. Whoops, I better go.
Former Pres. Bush:
What’s going on?
President Bush: Carl
Rove wants me to walk across the White House lawn again and get into the
helicopter so I look like I am going somewhere important. You know. I just
walk across the lawn with the dog, wave to the cameras, salute the marine
as I spring up the stairs to the helicopter, and that’s it.
Former Pres. Bush:
Then what do you do?
President Bush: Usually
I just read a few comic books for about a half hour or so and then I get
off the helicopter, salute that marine again, and walk across the White
House lawn with the dog and wave to the cameras again. It makes it look
like I am coming from somewhere important. Sometimes Laura gets on the
helicopter with me so we can lock in the “happily married Christian
couple” voters. Have you seen me on Dan Rather?
Former Pres. Bush:
Yeah.
President Bush: Yeah.
Dan and Tom Brokaw, and Peter Jennings and CNN; they never get tired of
showing me getting on and off the helicopter. I bet they have showed that
same scene of me over a thousand times. All I have to do is walk to the
helicopter and wave and I get on TV.
Former Pres. Bush: OK,
son, I mean Mr. President, I’ll let you go. Keep up the good work.
President Bush: Thanks,
Dad. I mean, Mr. President, huh, huh, huh, huh! Happy Father’s Day.
James Boyne
dboyne@aol.com
James Boyne is a satirical, political freelance
writer and has five other articles published on www.opednews.com.
He has previously been a diehard, staunch, conservative Republican who has
voted for Goldwater, Nixon, Ford, Reagan, Bush I and Bush II, and now has
made a 180 degree turnabout and supports the candidacy of Congressman Dennis
Kucinich (D-Ohio), who appears to have the most integrity, honesty,
common sense, straightforwardness, enthusiasm, optimism, and “fire in
the belly” to be possibly the best President in recent memory. He is a
progressive, populist, liberal, Democrat and is a man of principal,
intelligence and experience. Mr. Kucinich comes from a humble
background and clearly spells out his positions on issues on his web site www.kucinich.us
so there is no question where he stands on issues.
**It is the responsibility of all Americans to vote.
You should know where all the candidates stand on different issues; why
they believe what they do; how they plan on carrying out their plans
(rather than just empty promises); and get a sense for their character,
honesty, commitment, integrity and their vision for America and for the
world. You should know what their background is. How did they get to where
they are now. Know their life, and you will know them.
Other Articles By James Boyne on www.opednews.com:
36
Reasons To Vote For Bush
President
Booosh: We Are In A Pickle
Living
Sickly, Dying Quickly
Whoops!
Billion Dollar Cancer Drug Found to Cause Cancer To Hasten Death
Bush:
The Greatest Liberal of the Century
"So
Rush Just Wanted A Rush"---the Media Gives Rush Limbaugh a Break
Was
I Globalized or Circumcized? (What It's Really Like To Get Laid Off)
Bush's
Secret Iraq Exit Strategy
|
Enter
Your E-mail address to Receive OpEdNews
Newsletter