White House Announces Contest to Find More Specific Text For "Mission Accomplished" Banner

"President Bush has always been a lemons into lemonade guy," said spokesperson Dana Perino. "He sees the contest as a way to comfort those in the military who might have thought the banner meant their lives would be safe and they would be returning to their families whole."

"We’re looking for it to be fun," added Perino. "Something that both defines what has actually taken place since the President said, ‘Major combat operations in Iraq have ended,’ while at the same time absolves the President from any direct responsibility for the shitstorm that his actions have caused."

Some of the early entries includes...

"Huge Defense Contracts and Profits For Halliburton, Blackwater, other friends of Bush/Cheney Built On The Graves of Innocents Accomplished"

"Generating a Smokescreen to Cover up the Disembowelment of  Federal Departments and Their Conversion to Partisan Operations - i.e. EPA, Justice, Housing – Accomplished"

"Protection of Osama Bin Laden by Diverting Resources from Finding Him and Those Who Were Actually Behind 9-11 Accomplished"

"Increasing Foreign Tourism by Weakening the Dollar to the Point That it Is Cheaper for the French, English and Germans to Fly Here to Do Their Christmas Shopping Than to Go to Their Local Mall Accomplished."

"Bringing Together Families in Unanticipated Ways With Widows (And Widowers) and Their Children Get to Move in with Their Own Parents in Order to Survive Life as Single-parents as Well as Families Getting to Spend More Time than Ever with Their Grown Children Now That They Get to Visit Them at Their Hospital and Rehab Facility Accomplished"

First prize: John McCain’s 100 More Years In Iraq Banner!

Have fun kids!

Award-winning TV writer, Steve Young, is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" www.greatfailure.com