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To Flee or Not to Flee: Larry Craig's Question

By       Message Richard Mathis     Permalink
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Stay, Larry, stay. Please don't go. We need the headlines. Bashing a basher is so much fun. We love to see slimy things happen to slime balls.

Twist, Larry, twist. Distort the truth like a pretzel made out of silly-putty. Appeal to us straight men about how often we reach under the wall into an occupied stall to pick up a piece of toilet paper off the floor next to a man's foot.

Tap, Larry, tap. Dance around the issues. You're the victim of a conspiracy. They're out to get you. For years they have rumored behind your back that you're light in the loafers, you ol' twinkle toes. Now, just because you got caught in a sting, they want to you to go down.

Stand, Larry, stand. Whatever it is you're standing for, stand firm and hard. Just let them try to beat you down. Take your licks as they come. They won't bring you to your knees because you a real man. You're not one of them.

Most of all, spin, Larry, spin. Explain how you have the right as an American citizen to spam for sex wherever you go. Then reiterate that you are not gay and are in fact against the homosexual agenda.

Worry not, Larry, about blowing it. Such hypocrisy pales along side Bush's and the religious right's actions that led to Iraq. If those hot shots try to force you out, threaten to out Karl Rove. Go public on Ken Mehlman. Smear the inside poop on the velvet Republican mafia up on Capital Hill.

Even so, in all honesty, I've got to warn you straight up, Larry. If you do decide to stay, Republican leadership has got to come after your butt. For you have broken the one forbidden taboo that the Republican elite can never forgive. They can overlook you having gay sex just like they did with Mark Foley. They can overlook your lying and hypocrisy. That is SOP for the GOP. But they can never ever even in a million years forgive you for having pled guilty.

That was no better than actually admitting responsibility for your actions. God forbid another Republican ever do the same. Right from the start you should have yelled that the liberals were out to get you like any good cornered conservative. You didn't. You took responsibility and now must be driven out.

But Larry, I don't want you to go. You're the life of the party. Don't let the fun end. I do so hate the sound of folding chairs. So before the roadies come for my keyboard, let me serenade you:

Why won't you stay
just a little bit longer
We want to play
just a little bit longer
The comics don't mind
and the writers don't mind
if you take even more time
and show your fool behind
and stay
just a little bit longer.

Hey, Larry, want to hear the "The Pretender" and "Running on Empty"?
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B. 1952, GA, USA. D. To Be Determined. Beloved husband, father, grandfather, lover, confidant and friend of many from bikers to Zen masters; American writer and speaker, known for his criticism of Mammon's unholy trinity of big business, big (more...)

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