To: Mel Gibson
From: Lucifer B. Mephistopheles de Mammon
Re: Paying the piper
Haven't we had this talk before, Mel? Remember three years back when you got pulled for driving 74 miles an hour on the Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu? TMZ remembers. The deputy wondered if you were drunk because you avoided eye contact but you got off. Then we had a talk about a year ago when you got stopped for going 64 on the PCH. During the entire stop, you wouldn't get off your cell phone. I wouldn't let you. And thanks to me, both times you walked away without a ticket.
Mel, is that why on Friday you thought that you could get drunk, drive 87 in a 45 mph zone, try to escape and go on a tirade about "f***ing" Jews? Did you expect celebrity treatment even after you threatened to ruin the arresting deputy, James Mee? "I'm not going to hurt you physically. I'm gonna hurt you. I'm gonna make you lose," is what Mee reported you said. Of course, you expected and demanded the special treatment that you so richly deserve. You are special, Mel. That's why TMZ reports the arresting deputy was "ordered to sanitize his arrest report" and claim that you were arrested without incident. The supervising sergeant apparently thought the Jews would get worked up in a lather, especially after "The Passion of the Christ."
But what an incident it was, hey, Mel? Oh what fun it is to go flying at nearly 90 mph down the PCH, crossing from lane to lane, with a bottle of tequila after midnight. Then when pulled, you claimed the 3/4 full bottle is not yours but admitted that you have "had a little bit." Sources told TM Z that you were drunk "but in control of [your] senses."
Then when you were told that you were going to be arrested, Mel, besides threatening the deputy, you started ranting "My life is f***ed." The arresting officer reported that you were belligerent and he was worried you might get violent. Even so, deputy Mee told you that he would not slap the cuffs on so long as you cooperated. But, hell, no, you told him "I'm not going to get in your car" and you ran like a drunken rabbit.
After caught and put it in the backseat of the patrol car, Mel, you continued to show your true colors. You started having a temper tantrum, banging against the seat and ranting that"You mother f***er. I'm going to f*** you." The deputy also said that you said you own Malibu and will spend all your money getting even. Don't even try denying it, Mel. Mee recorded every last f***ing word on audiotape.
There's even all your comments about "F***ing Jews . . . The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." You then asked Mee if he was a Jew. The deputy got so alarmed by your escalating antisemitic venom that he radioed ahead for a sergeant to be ready with a videocamera at the station. When you saw the camera, you said, "What the f*** do you think you're doing?" Then, Mel, you saw a female sergeant and yelled, "What do you think you're looking at, sugar t*ts?"
Mel, I know that a lot of the deputies at the Sheriff's station were in awe of you. Hell, the Los Angeles sheriff's a good friend. But trying to pee on the floor, throwing the phone against the wall, and jumping up and down, and rattling the cage like a killer ape are all a bit hard even for me to spin in a favorable light. Add in the antisemitic remarks and you are in a hell of a mess.
The problem is that too many Jews are suspicious of the religious right. They have fears that conservative Christians really are antisemitic and do actually believe that the Jews killed Christ. They also believe that many Christian fundamentalists are merely trying to use Jews and Israel to help fulfill right-wing interpretations of prophecy. Mel, now that you uncorked what a lot of good God-fearing conservatives believe, you don't need to apologize. You don't need to defend "The Passion of Christ" from renewed charges of bigotry and revisionism. Learn from the neo-cons. Don't defend. Attack.
Claim that you were taken out of context. Sure Jews are the cause of all wars. They're God's chosen people and that's why Satan wages war on them. Not to mention that the Bible says that we are to go out and wage war on the world in order to spread God's holy word and chosen economic system. Of course, that's not true at all, Mel, but it is about as accurate as certain parts of "The Passion of the Christ."
Say that when you said you owned Malibu what you meant is that as part of the born-again Joshua generation God gave you dominion. Yes, you are special and exempt from the rules because God chose you to reveal the inerrant word in The Passion. Retract your generic apology in which you avoided any mention of specifics. Granted, for many conservative Christians that apology is all that is needed. Thus, strongly allege that any further mention of your remarks is part of a Satanic-liberal-secular conspiracy to bring down another man of God. Declare it to be another attack in the cultural war upon religion. Do what it takes. Blame it on me. Hide behind alcoholism. Bend over for the bar of soap and let Likud have its neo-con way with you. I'll pass along the same to the religious right.
But whatever you do, Mel, you better not mess up the deal I have going with the American and Israeli right, or else you will have hell to pay.
Lucifer B. Mephistopheles de Mammon