In case you missed it, I thought I'd give you a few highlights of this heroic event. Not that you really need it. I am sure you are going to hear these riveting details as much as you like in the coming days. Well, until November anyway.
First of all, the White House made very sure to have some 9/11 relatives around. Nice touch, but maybe a bit passe. I would give them just a minor suggestion. If they really wanted to make an impact, they should have used actual corpses of 9/11 victims. It would have cut out the middle man. And it would have protected them from pansy libs whining about exploiting people's pain and grief for political gain. Not that they were doing that of course, it's just that dead people don't feel any sorrow. But I guess W just wanted the victims' loved ones to know he felt their pain; and that he's going after them thar Evildoers! Gettin' some of em too I might add.
After that, he explained to us that the Nation suffered a terrible tragedy on 9/11, just in case anyone missed it. After all, not everybody has cable. Or you might have been in a coma for the last five years. Heck, there might even be Japanese soldiers that have just been rescued from some Pacific island that haven't heard yet. It was really a public service.
He made the shocking revelation that there are secret prisons! Can you imagine? Secret prisons! I had no idea such things went on, did you? I don't think a soul had a clue. Well except most major media sources, Europe, the Middle East, Asia, well most people in the world really. But they were just guessing.
Then he let us know that we had captured the architects of 9/11 and that we were going to prosecute them! What a wonderful surprise! Bin Laden and Al Zawahiri captured! Oops sorry about that, he wasn't talking about them. Evidently he was talking more about that guy they caught in Pakistan that looked like your uncle from the wrong side of the family waking up after a bender, the one that gave us completely bogus information. But hey, it was good enough for a totally unstaged standing ovation.
He told us that he'd like to close Gitmo but he's afraid to transfer some of the prisoners to their home countries because they might be abused there. That's why we sent some of them in secret to Egypt and Jordan. Everybody knows what a great record they have observing their prisoner's human rights.
Unfortunately he also had to explain to us why he couldn't keep us as safe as he wanted to anymore. In fact it's the reason that he had to tell us know about this stuff at this point in time. It's all the fault of those gosh darn Supreme Court justices. Insisting on the rule of law and all. I guess they just don't care about a democratic society. Can't they see that in order for us to be free the President needs to be Supreme Leader, accountable to no one? At any rate, it had nothing to do with politics, nothing at all. He's just being the decider like he always is. Aren't you glad I explained all this to you? Just doing my patriotic duty! I'd salute, but I'm still scratching those goosebumps.