OpEdNews Op Eds

Ann Coulter and Fred Phelps Announce Engagement

By (about the author)     Permalink       (Page 1 of 1 pages)
Related Topic(s): , Add Tags Add to My Group(s)

View Ratings | Rate It

opednews.com

- Advertisement -
Fred Phelps, pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, has placed Ann Coulter 's latest book, "Godless: The Church of Liberalism, " in every pew of his church much to the delight of his congregation. "It 's our new Bible, " he 's just pontificated to his flock. Exhilarated by Coulter 's wisdom, they don 't care that Phelps ' wife Marge, mother of their 13 children, has left him.

Remember Fred? He 's the minister whose mission is to rid the world of homosexuals. His antics include attending military funerals, carrying signs that read, "Thank God for Dead Soldiers " and "Thank God for IEDs, " protesting a government he perceives to be gay-friendly.

Here 's the story: Seems Marge was enraged when she saw her man 's reaction to Coulter. Mrs. Phelps emerged from the kitchen just in time to see Matt Lauer 's interview with Coulter. Ann, sporting a delicate necklace from which a cross hangs and wearing one of her short, black sheaths to expose those long legs, is Viagra to Phelps. When Fred 's eyes fixed on Coulter 's signature move --flipping that blond hair off her face, Marge recognized "that look " in her husband 's eyes and confronted him with a vengeance. But there was no stopping Fred. He immediately felt a hard-drive connection with Coulter and ordered copies of her book.

After reading passages of "Godless, " Pastor Phelps was heard repeating verbatim Coulter 's condemnations of the New Jersey 9/11 widows, the four women who have pushed for an independent commission to investigate the government 's failures prior to that day in September when their husbands perished.

"I 've never seen people enjoying their husbands ' deaths so much, " Fred said over and over until Marge picked up the sign that said "Thank God for Dead Soldiers " and started chasing him around the room with it.

And, then, Fred took another quote from Ann 's book and launched it at his wife, "By the way, how do we know their husbands weren 't planning to divorce these harpies? "
- Advertisement -


Marge, at this point, exhausted and slightly disoriented, said, "Who are you calling a harpy? "

Now, Fred Phelps and Ann Coulter have a cellular family plan, first on each other 's speed dial. As soon as Marge returns from Mexico where she went to get a quick divorce, Ann and Fred will tie the knot.

Questioned about the large age difference (think Anna Nicole and J. Howard Marshall), Coulter beamed, "When you find the person who shares your philosophy so perfectly, the decades are insignificant. Freddy and I are soulmates. "
- Advertisement -

 

Missy Beattie lives in New York City. She's written for National Public Radio and Nashville Life Magazine. An outspoken critic of the Bush Administration and the war in Iraq, she's a member of Gold Star Families for Peace. She completed a (more...)
 

Share on Google Plus Submit to Twitter Add this Page to Facebook! Share on LinkedIn Pin It! Add this Page to Fark! Submit to Reddit Submit to Stumble Upon


Go To Commenting

The views expressed in this article are the sole responsibility of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of this website or its editors.

Writers Guidelines

Contact Author Contact Editor View Authors' Articles
Related Topic(s): , Add Tags
- Advertisement -

Most Popular Articles by this Author:     (View All Most Popular Articles by this Author)

Now, Paula Zahn

Ann Coulter and Fred Phelps Announce Engagement

The Friendly Fire of Dick Cheney

Acuna Matata

Chris Matthews Plays Ball with Karen Hughes

Good Cop, Bad Cop

Comments

The time limit for entering new comments on this article has expired.

This limit can be removed. Our paid membership program is designed to give you many benefits, such as removing this time limit. To learn more, please click here.

Comments: Expand   Shrink   Hide  
2 people are discussing this page, with 2 comments
To view all comments:
Expand Comments
(Or you can set your preferences to show all comments, always)

The interesting this is that, as disgusting as thi... by terri Kionka on Thursday, Jun 8, 2006 at 11:16:34 AM
What the right wing has is a lot of is money. So ... by CatherineB on Thursday, Jun 8, 2006 at 11:52:24 AM