I am pretending to support George Bush. I am walking around the apartment, pretending to support this man who will be president for more than two long years. Oops, I had a little slip there, because if I 'm pretending to really, really like the president, then I have to also pretend that more than two years will go by too quickly.

I 'm saying aloud, "Of course, we had to carpet bomb Iraq and kill thousands of men, women, and children. "

Just think of all the Iraqis who posed a threat to my freedoms. My God, some of those women were pregnant, about to give birth to little Iraqis who would grow up to be big Iraqis who would be jealous of my freedoms.

I received an e-mail recently from someone who doesn 't like my writings --a person ripping me because, thanks to George W., I have the freedom to sit in front of my 'word processor ' and criticize. So, I 'm pretending that the e-mailer is absolutely right. Those Iraqis, most assuredly, were planning to take away my freedoms to write and criticize George Bush. So, I, indeed, should be grateful to the president and the person who wrote to remind me that I need to look within, have an epiphany, and show my unwavering support for the man who is protecting my freedoms.

I 'm also thinking I 'd better support George W. if negotiations with Iran fail and the president decides to drop a tactical nuclear weapon there to protect my freedoms. After all, some of those Iranians might, in, say, ten or twenty years, develop the kinds of WMD that we threaten the rest of the world with and put my writing room (and me) in their sights. I don 't want to be vaporized. Nooooo. I don 't want any of my fellow Americans seeing a mushroom cloud rising above what used to be Manhattan.

Thus, I 'm having a very persuasive talk with myself. A debate. I 'm going over the pros and cons. And the more I think about the reasons to like George Bush, the easier it becomes to watch him on television. The easier it is to listen to him speak. The easier it is to welcome his saying he regrets 'bring 'em on ' and other cowpoke lingo (or is this just average Joe jargon?) and appreciate that he strives to use more 'sophisticated ' language. I 'm beginning to admire the man who obviously values self-improvement. I mean look at what he 's just said about convincing Iran to stop its uranium enrichment program: "if they continue their obstinance, if they continue to say to the world, 'we really don 't care what your opinion is, ' then the world is going to act in concert. " He 's sounding pretty urbane (how about that word, concert?) so, I have to toast this president with a "bring it on " affirmation.

Yes, yes, yes, ooh, ah, I feel like Meg Ryan in that fake orgasm scene in When Harry Met Sally. Now, that was some fine acting. I 'm going to practice by saying, "They 're jealous of my freedoms. " Over and over, maybe, emoting a little more each time. I 'll practice this in the mirror.

Finally, if I can completely convince myself I support George W. Bush, not only will I be able to get through the next more than two years with less stress, I 'll be able to add Oscar-quality actor to my accomplishments