"Dear Jane," my friend wrote, "I really like it here except that sometimes it gets really cold at night. For instance, last night I went to bed with a knit watch-cap, a hot water bottle, an Arctic-strength sleeping bag, a blanket, a comforter, a duvet, a throw rug, a flannel nightgown, a sweater, silk long-johns, a pair of socks and my bunny slippers and I was STILL cold. But other than that, I really like it here." Bunny slippers?
"The people in Sweden are really nice," the letter continued, "but what I really like most about this place is that when you turn on the evening news here, they are always discussing ways to make their already-outstanding schools even better or to improve their already-fabulous healthcare...." Enough about that! I'm sick and tired of people always bragging about how Sweden takes such good care of its citizens. Don't these people realize that AMERICA'S education and healthcare systems are the best in the world -- with perhaps the exception of only 36 other countries. But hey. We managed to beat out Slovenia....
"But what impressed me most here," continued my friend, "is that we don't have to keep watching all those gruesome images of Bush's disastrous war on Iraq every night on TV or constantly hear news anchors tell us night after night about how the 'war' is getting more and more bogged down or watch helplessly as more and more of our country's wealth is being spent on manufacturing weapons made by Bush and Cheney's friends -- the ones who are making money hand over fist on this 'war' and who aren't even GRATEFUL to us for supplying them with private islands and Lamborghinis and diamonds as big as the Ritz and who laugh at us behind our backs, knowing that it doesn't MATTER if America wins or loses in Iraq as long as we keep spending our money on weapons instead of on stuff like education and healthcare." Good point. Bush's friends don't get any kick-backs from paying more money to teachers.
"I never realized how distressing it has been to watch news shows in America every night until I came here and wasn't forced to be reminded 24/7 about how our country's 'leaders' are wasting our patrimony on killing women and children in foreign lands instead of on decent education and healthcare. You have absolutely no idea what a relief it is not to have to hear about Iraq every night."
Well, if you are worried about having to hear about Iraq every night, that's easily fixed. Bush and Cheney can solve this problem in a flash. All they have to do is write up an executive order stating that TV stations here in America will no longer be allowed to mention Iraq on the news. End of problem! Now if we can only get GWB to stop forcing us to have to watch video images night after night of him striding manfully across the White House lawn and smiling happily (I'd be smiling happily too if I had the kind of big bucks that he has stolen from American taxpayers in the last seven years!) and waving at news cameras like he was the Queen. Yuck!
What's the matter with you, America? Have you lost your freaking remote! Just get up off the couch, change the freaking channel and put Bush and Cheney in jail.
PS: My friend also went on to say that the commercial breaks on European TV are very much shorter than the commercial breaks here. But that wouldn't be too hard to achieve. Our breaks are REALLY long! During a typical commercial break on my local affiliate station, I can run to the kitchen, do the dishes, make a snack, chat on the phone with a friend and still manage to be back in my chair in time for the next segment of "Big Brother".