In a highly secretive, closed door meeting, President George Bush and his top aides have reportedly knocked their heads together in an amusing Larry, Curly and Moe fashion to design a brilliant incentive package for Iran's President Ahmadinejad, that many insiders say is yet another "no brainer."
This "Top Secret" incentive package (code name: WMHAOHCROWBHOOTFOTM, or We'll Make Him An Offer He Can't Refuse Or We'll Bomb Him Off Of The Face Of The Map) is reported to offer enough incentive to assuage Ahmadinejad's taste for nuclear proliferation.
After heated debate, strategic cat-and-mouse, and catered ribs and pork rinds, the highly confidential details and parting gifts were put into print, signed, and unfortunately, bore the stains of KC Masterpiece, but nonetheless, were hand delivered to the Iranian President with utmost confidence.
A nameless source within the spine-tingling covert meeting, in addition to disclosing detailed copies of the Incentive Package, which by all accounts, is fantastically Rovian in its shrewd, tricky, surreptitious and illegal calculations, or as Bush called it, "a slam dunk!" also provided a group photo of a smiling Bush and his playmates, along with a handful of crumbs (which were later confiscated, however, when one of the aides became fearful that they would be turned over to the Boulder, Colorado district attorney).
In part, the Incentive Package, code name: WMHAOHCR...you get the picture)reads as follows:
Dear Mr. President Ahmadinejad,
I, President George Bush, aka The Decider, am pleased to offer you a most attractive incentive package that hopefully, will persuade you to abandon your nucear proliteration program. While I prefer to be the only decider, today, I am offering you a one time only deal to be the decider, and make the decision that is best for your fellow Iranians, and more importantly, for me.
To halt your program, I offer you 12 long-range missiles, a kilo of uranium, and a membership to the Wine of the Month Club, which I know you will especially enjoy. The month of September features a fine kosher red, a Manischewitz, which I happen to know is one of your favorites, and mine too! Therefore, following each month thereafter, you will receive another delicious wine coupled with the delivery of a missile, which we'll call, just for the fun of it (gotta have a sense of humor, Ahmi!) the Missile of the Month Club. The kilo of high-grade urine is a one shot deal.
Hopefully, the above provisions will curb your insatiable appetite for creating and deploying nurclear weapons, which by all accounts, would be a most imprudent decision.
Let me know ASAP what you decide, Mr. Decider, by tomorrow to be exact, or we will be forced to blow your *** off the, I mean, forced to impose strict sanctions on you and your fellow people, which would be a shame cuz I think you'd really get a kick out of the Manischewitz....
Always, George
Coming next week on Headlines You Won't See on CNN-The-Most-Trusted-Name-In-News!:
- Is Global Warming Responsible for Hot Flashes? Exclusive interview with Tipper Gore. And,
- How to Get Upgraded to Business Class by Confessing to Heinous Crimes You Didn't Commit. Exclusive interview with John Mark Karr.
A native Californian, Jan Baumgartner is a freelance writer currently living in Maine. Her background includes scriptwriting, comedy writing for the Northern California Emmy Awards, and travel writing for The New York Times. She has worked as a grant writer for the non-profit sector in the fields of academia, AIDS, and wildlife conservation and anti-poaching for NGO's in the U.S. and Africa. Her articles and essays have appeared in numerous online and print publications in the U.S. and internationally, including the NYT, Bangor Daily News, SCOOP New Zealand, Wolf Moon Journal, Media for Freedom Nepal, and Banderas News in Mexico. She's finishing a memoir about her husband's death from ALS and how travels in Africa became one of her greatest sources of inspiration and hope. She is a Managing Editor for OpEdNews.
