But how do you really feel, Frank? I’m guessing you’re not a Restorationist. Like moi is. Cue Psycho music: “Plink, plink, plink, plink.” Yes, I am that rare beast in progressive circles – a living, breathing, endangered Clintonista.

Can you believe it? Me – a dirty Hillary Lover? Me – one of only a few white SNCC organizers in 1970. Me and Stokely. (Never met the guy.) Me – kicked out of college for staging sit-ins … now it’s come to this?

Something comes over us, Frank – us Clintonophiliacs. It’s like a virus – like, say Herpes. You’re watching Hillary and suddenly this feeling grips you and you think, “ok, that makes sense.” And then you watch Obama and you think, not bad. Toughen him up a bit, get him in the training room, let him get his uniform dirty. For now, the old vet will go out there, run the offense, rack up first downs – but then settle for goddamn field goals. Still, points on the board, Frank. Name of the Game. Hey, one torn ACL and bam, get your helmet on, Obama. Let’s see you throw long pretty spirals into the end zone. Establish Air Superiority.

Meanwhile, my family has banned me talking about her at dinner because bile – counterintuitively – interferes with digestion. There’s a 12-step program for anything, Frank.

Sorry, I just don’t believe the Clintons are racists, Frank. In my book, if you play the race card to monkey with the white vote and suppress the black vote, you are touching a third rail. You are fucking with the most precious and historic agenda of the Democrat party: enfranchising the black vote in America. In other words, you are a racist plain and simple and you should be called exactly that. Make Bill pitch horseshoes with Imus.

And Clinton-supporter Maxine Waters’ drink should be tested for Klinton-Aid. She’s one tough, African-American cookie and um, influential member of that Uncle Tom group (sarcasm - for all you lunkheads) THE CONGRESSIONAL BLACK CAUCUS. If she’s not offended why are you getting so worked up, Frank?

Bottom line to all who accuse the Clintons of “Playing the Race Card” – stop pussyfooting around and hiding behind this “Card” bullshit. If someone cynically plays on race for electoral advantage they are a racist. At least have the guts and the intellectual honesty to come right out and say it: “Bill Clinton is a racist.”

Frank, please don’t hate me because I’m beautiful and I think the Clintons are fine. In this climate, it’s like admitting to torturing woodland creatures.

Markowitz Guilty of Waterboarding Bambi.