Well, I'm in it now.
Somehow, the way I thought it would happen went badly off-track: Karl and I, if it came to it, if there were no other options available, would take the fall for our bosses. I really believed that. And here I am all by my lonesome twisting in a harsh wind.
Karl and I run tight ships. We were all supposed to circle the wagons and keep the indictments restricted, at the worst, to low-level aides.
Instead, it looks like a bad case of every-man-for-himself broke out, going up the chain of command. I can understand Novak and the other press guys blabbing -- even sweet Judy, after 85 days in jail -- but our own guys like Hannah and Wurmser? For chrissakes, those two and other lower-level Administration officials revealed a whole host of my early Plame discussions to the Grand Jury!
But that's not what has me really pissed off, and what has put me in this indictment-box all by myself.
No, it's that Karl, terrified of the legal noose that was settling around his neck, apparently cut a last-minute deal with Fitzpatrick and got himself a free-pass, while I'm facing the possibility of years in the slammer. Granted, I'm basing my judgement on insider reports and newspaper gossip about why Karl wasn't indicted, but it's clear he didn't try very hard to protect my ass. In theory, Karl might still get charged, but it doesn't really look like that will happen.
Yeah, I know that at the end of the day, Bush may pardon me -- I hope it comes before the trial, if that's legal, but, if not then, when it's politically prudent to do so. You can hear the spin now: "America needs to move forward and, in the interests of national security in post-9/11 wartime, close this episode from further scrutiny by our enemies", or some such verbiage. But a pardon that may or may not arrive is small consolation when your entire life and all your actions are about to be opened to the world in a court of law; Dick and I know a lot of secrets and have been involved in a lot of shadowy events, and I'm feeling especially vulnerable when it comes to the prosecutors, who will be looking for the slightest evidence of overlooked crimes or a slip-up in my testimony.
A "SENIOR-MOMENTS" DEFENSE?<-b>
The GOP spin is that I'm just a "bad apple," a single person inside an otherwise righteous White House, who went off by himself to out a CIA agent whose husband questioned our use of suspect pre-war intelligence. But even if anyone were to believe that -- and the early polls indicate the public isn't buying it -- it doesn't help my situation. My lawyers and I are kicking around a kind of "senior-moments" defense: In my position, I had so much to deal with every day that I inadvertently might have mixed-up some recollections and got a few dates and facts wrong. But even I don't think that will fly with a jury, there's just too much evidence against me, in my own words; no, Fitzgerald has got me good, and I can't quite see how I'm going to wriggle out.
The problem in lying, as I now know a lot better, is that once you tell a whopper, unless you alter your story early -- and you have to make that decision while not knowing what others are revealing in their testimony -- you're more or less obliged to keep telling that same tale and your liability keeps growing. Karl realized he was in a similar situation, but, at the last minute, went back to the Grand Jury and told them that his recollections were now "refreshed." Doing so may have saved his behind, but at what price to me, to Cheney and Bush, to the cause?
Damn it, why couldn't we stick together on this thing?
Though I haven't discussed it with my attorneys, I'm sorely tempted to cop a plea and spill some truth-tales of my own. If I'm going down, I'm not going down alone.
RATFINKING NOT MY STYLE<-b>
That's my angry gut talking, diary. I know I probably wouldn't be able to do that, even to get retribution, because there's no way it would stop there. Inevitably, Cheney and Bush would be dragged in. And down would go everything for which we we worked years, decades really. To save their electoral necks a goodly number of our conservative GOP friends would feel obliged to desert us, perhaps even on an impeachment vote in the House. If that scenario would look likely, Bush and Cheney might feel forced to resign in advance of such a vote.
No, I can't go that ratfink route. I'm better and more loyal than that. I wouldn't want that on my conscience, ever.