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It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a satellite pointed at you! The Department of Homeland Security is at it again with a new and improved way of protecting freedom and liberty with the new push for domestic use of military spy satellites to fight terrorism.

That’s right. President Bush has spoken. Should the Iraq war be brought to a close before the election, America can expect a huge influx of Iraqi heathens to swim across the ocean and start terrorizing Americans in the Fatherla…  Home land, within days. A flood of bloodthirsty Iranians will surely follow…with the support of Mexicans drug lords. Unless we trust in God and the DHS to keep us safe, we’re doomed. With our military spy satellites pointed at ourselves, we can detect a vehicle bomb parked outside of a government building or even catch a suicide bomber approaching Times Square. This stuff works. Ask an Iraqi.

Look at the capabilities. Most people already know something of the conventional sensor packages that can track and photograph items of military interest at high resolution from orbit. More exotic and less well known are the payloads that can detect certain chemicals via the manipulation of different frequencies within an infrared wavelength. The Air Force has even developed something similar to what is known as side looking radar that can penetrate the earth and detect underground structures. Sounds good. We should be ready for those pestilential jihadis.

Some malcontents may wonder why the United States isn’t using all of those conventional high resolution sensors and cameras that can watch you pick your nose from orbit to find Osama Bin Laden or that funny looking guy who looks like a militant owl. Well, the answer to that is simple. This isn’t the movies. Those types of sensors aren’t useful for following people around because of the time constraints involved with the satellite’s passing. Even if we could track someone for longer than 30 minutes at a time, the Defense Department has better things to do than track a bunch of Saudi or Pakistani suicide immigrants into Iraq or Afghanistan.

Those sensors are useful for one thing and one thing only: targeting. And anyone should be glad that the DHS wants to target our homes for freedom. It makes me sleep better at night to know that I’m under the watchful eye of the government and that Uncle Sam’s got their back. Besides, what do you have to worry about as long as you’re not doing anything illegal? It’s not like some sweaty bureaucrat is going to use his camera to watch you sunbathe nude beside your backyard swimming pool or something. The Paranoia.

A faithless anti-patriot may ask: if all of those whiz-bang infrared payloads can detect explosives; then, why are we spending billions of dollars trying to defeat improvised explosive devices? Or, why do we need brigades of troops to find a bomb factory when we can already see all of them from space? I mean, it’s easy right? Some guy in a control room in Colorado guides the little satellite over Baghdad until he spots a factory. He knows that’s where bombs are being made because there’s a little red chemical cloud at such and such grid coordinate at such and such a frequency. He tells his commander where it is, the commander tells the Apache pilots where it is and whoosh! They light up those hellfire missiles. Well, yeah. We could do that. But the government is saving the really good stuff for more useful things.

Like detecting methamphetamine labs. These payloads can even detect certain types of vegetation - like marijuana, or coca plants, or poppies or corn. Anyone who says these tools will not be useful in fighting terrorists haven’t heard the news: people who sell or use drugs are terrorists. It’s on television! On the Armed Forces Network there’s a commercial that features a series of teenagers solemnly confessing some pretty hyee-nous crimes. What did these dastardly brats do? Well, one kid helped kidnapped someone’s father. The other helped loot and burn a village. This one girl with a pimple on her nose murdered a whole family. Sounds like terrorism to me. How did they do this from their suburban homes? Well, the National Council for a Drug Free America had the answer to that burning question: people who smoke pot or sniff cocaine or mainline heroin are guilty of sponsoring terrorism. Yep, those kids might as well have helped fit the suicide vests. Our satellites will be used to fight those terrorists.

What about those payloads that can identify underground facilities? I mean, are we looking for underground opium dens? Missing nuke silos? Turnip fields?

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Nope, word is that the U.S. border patrol could use this technology to find hidden tunnels. This is a rampant problem that requires extraordinary measures.

The DHS must be able to track a tunnel from the United States into the Mexican border in order to prevent terrorists from escaping. Simply locating the entry points along the border is not enough. Especially since the ground in Mexico is harder to see through than U.S. earth. You must be able to see into the United States; otherwise, you might miss something terrible, like an illegal alien. I mean, isn’t it true that Mexican drug lords are in cahoots with Al Qaeda in bringing Spanish speaking Middle Eastern terrorists into the United States to pose as illegal immigrants while they prepare for the apocalypse? The DEA says so. How could they be wrong with billions of dollars worth of funding?

Why do we need satellites to track illegal immigration? Because it is simply too draconian to force a proof of citizenship out of anyone seeking a driver’s license, employment, flight lessons or access to state welfare services. It would be against civil rights. Some ignorant radicals have even proposed that the United States government should “make a real effort” in assisting our “southern neighbors” in becoming successful enough so as to completely void the issue of illegal immigration. Unbelievable to think we should take billions of dollars from important projects like war and deadly Ospreys and airborne pork lasers and Saudi Arabian arms boondoggles to spend on the Mexicans just because they share our border. The Nerve.

All of our freedom tools such as call monitoring, email monitoring, account

monitoring, no-knock warrants and granny searches at the airport are both necessary and effective. Contrary to popular belief, the recent discoveries of terrorist plots within the United States have not been a result of vigilant police or border officials or anything else that was long in place. The DHS and the FBI were able to find those terrorist plots using techniques so secret that they don’t even know what they did. And neither should you. Are we safer? Who cares?

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Will scanning our backyards from orbit make us even safer? Sure.


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Former Army Ranger, world traveler and closet scribbler with a morbid fascination in politics and other national disasters -

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