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Hoose selling

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When I tried to sell my house in Fife, I did some research. I found out that across the rest of Britain, house prices had been rising at a staggering rate. "Oh my goodness ..how are the young people ever to afford a hoose?" Well, the answer is come to Fife.

The expression "safe as houses" originally meant that you will always get a good return on your investment. Well, I think this was thought up originally, without reference to the Fifers. The other meaning is that you are secure in your home. Well, I think this was thought up originally, without reference to the Fifers.

It was a quiet area, own parking, reasonably new build and I optimistically advertised for six months to begin with, then gave up for a while. I had dropped the asking price by a quarter. I had redecorated, painted every room that shade of Magnolia recommended by all the experts and put in a new bathroom.

I had put a fence up, terraced the garden, got the neighbours to clean up their guard beasts' giant do dos, spent thousands on the outside, new front door, and nearly put bars on the windows , (I wish I had!). I got a carpenter at great expense to do up the kitchen, new curtains, steam cleaned the carpets and then I got burgled again.

This was the third time but I took it on the chin. I spent some weeks cleaning up the broken glass and pee (how I found out it was pee will be explained in my next article.. "Stupendous errors I have made"). I got it all back together and got broken into again. My daughter had come for the weekend and helped tidy. She moved the sofa to vacuum and found the brick thrown to get entry in the previous break in. I had not noticed it for 2 months..Men eh?

Then I got a call from the local police. They had my camera. Someone had been arrested as a bail jumper and had a camera on him and they knew I had reported one missing. The guy said he'd found it in an alley that morning. We got the camera. My daughter said we should process the film as they will have used it and we could identify them.

I said " Look. These are just poor people forced to steal because society is so bad to them. Do not think these are stupid people that would be so thick as to gift the cops any favours."

The film was developed showing cider being consumed by him and other smiling lads outside a nearby house at night time, faces clearly visible. There was a photo of inside the home, the party in full swing, showing the bail jumper exposing even more. So how did she know? I had worked with offenders for twenty years. However my daughter had attended a primary school in Fife. No real contest.

OK, back to the sale. For a while, I rented it out. I dropped the price again. I had the roof expensively steamed and had all the outside woodwork done. I put in a porch. I removed the oil stains from the street. (No joke) I got a couple of hundred pounds worth of fancy stones and plants for the garden. I made the garden bigger by moving the fence to take in some council land which was adjacent.

I retiled everything. I repainted everything again. I re-advertised and put adverts in national and local papers. I got one offer, 2 thousand below the asking price. I accepted it before the estate agent had finished her sentence.
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'Hamish ' is an antiwar writer socialist- scientist and musician living in Scotland.

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