Relationship is a means to an end versus an end in itself ~ the true purpose of relationship is the full flowering of each partner: Allen L Roland
Most people are afraid of love because they are afraid of their deepest joy and inner freedom.
In relationship, we must reach a place where being honest and being true to yourself is more important than the survival of the relationship ! Let me illustrate this using Stendal's and Roland's seven stages of a love relationship :
ADMIRATION " I really admire you as a person "
BEGINNING OF DESIRE " I think I'd like to get to know you better ."
HOPE " I hope you feel the same way about me "
INCEPTION OF LOVE " I think I'm falling in love with you "
FIRST CRYSTALIZATION " I see the beauty and perfection within you "
DOUBT AND/OR JEALOSY, ANGER AND RESENTMENT
This is where Stendal ended his six stages of love for it is the stage where most, if not all, emotional relationships end with mutual anger and resentment submerging all traces of the original love. What we do not realize in this stage is that these feelings are often associated with earlier childhood hurts we felt with loved ones and we are face to face with the decisions we made at that time to repress and deny our deepest feelings ~ because there was seemingly no-one there for us. We can either run , as most people do, or go through these fears by not denying the love, taking accountability for these feelings and stop being a victim ! You cannot escape stage six until you go inside, take total accountability for your actions and feelings and stop denying love. This takes great courage but the payoff is immense ! Resentment doesn't heal ! Anger doesn't heal ! Only love truly heals !
ROLAND'S SECOND CRYSTALIZATION " I feel the beauty and perfection within myself "
This cannot be accomplished unless we realize our ultimate quest in life is to fully experience our authentic self and our connection to our original state of soul consciousness. IT IS A PLACE OF INNER VERSUS OUTER VALIDATION ! " Until I let go I cannot grow " , "Great love can both take hold and let go". To let go with love you must, in essence, consciously love your partner. Conscious love ( non-possessive, non-dependent and unconditional love ) is rarely obtained between humans. The conscious love motive, in its most developed state, is the wish that the object should arrive at its own innateperfection~regardless of the consequences to the loveror partner. It is total unconditional love and when we come from this place we are embracing our deepest spiritual essence and a state of soul consciousness. The paradox of this atitude is that such love always invokes a similar atitude in its objects because we all seek , at the deepest level, to be unconditionally loved.
The path to the soul is through doors of fear and most of those fears appear in relationship. You don't realize those fears are illusions until you stop denying love and go through them. Only then can you truly claim the greatest gift ~ yourself.
Freelance Online columnist and recognized therapist Allen L Roland is available for comments, interviews, speaking engagements and private consultations consultations ( allen@allenroland.com )
Allen L Roland is a practicing psychotherapist, author and lecturer who also shares a daily political and social commentary on his weblog and website allenroland.com He also guest hosts a monthly national radio show TRUTHTALK on www.conscioustalk.net
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Allen L Roland is a practicing psychotherapist, author and lecturer who also shares a daily political and social commentary on his weblog and website allenroland.com He also guest hosts a monthly national radio show TRUTHTALK on Conscious talk radio www.conscioustalk.net
