You Don't Have To Eat 10,000 Boxes Of Crackerjack To Become An Ordained Minister! [Satire]

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By Daniel Vojir (about the author) Page 1 of 2 page(s)

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For OpEdNews: Daniel Vojir - Writer

- Unless You Still Want That Secret Decoder Ring!

Respect, Control and a Proper Education

WOW! I can become a minister of any faith (or maybe my own cult!)
without going through all those tedious and boring seminary classes!
All I have to do is to sign up with the Universal Life Church or its
(heretical?) offshoot the Universal Life Church Monastery!

As a minister, you can officiate wedding ceremonies, baptisms, and
other rituals. You can even start your own ministry. GET ORDAINED NOW.
You don't have to purchase anything to gain the legal benefits and
respect of being a minister. We do, however, offer a variety of
ministry and wedding ceremony supplies to assist you.

I particularly like the "over 20 million ordained" (sorta like "sold" or "eaten"). It
sounds so... ESTABLISHED!

Ever wonder how some ministers (also: preachers, priests, clergy) have gotten that REV. in front their
names? "...gain the legal benefits and respect of being a minister."
Does R-E-V automatically elicit R-E-S-P-E-C-T from you? And even if
you've done your homework" for your soul ( e.g. Bible studies) have you ever stopped to question
your pastor's credentials? If over 20 million people have been
ordained, surely you've run into one of ULCM's graduates. Maybe James
Dobson is one. After all, he does have an impressive array of honorary
"Doctorates" displayed in the halls of Focus on the Family headquarters
(no less than 19!). Maybe one of them is from the illustrious UCLM!

I just wikipedia(ed) "Bishop" T.D. Jakes: no mention of a seminary at all. Not in the articles I've read, either. I've picked up some of his books. They don't have bibliographies or indexes. And the educational backgrounds of others:

- Ken Copeland - Oral Roberts University (Big F*n' Deal - have you ever read their catalogue?)

- Creflo Dollar - his Doctorate of Divinity is HONORARY ONLY.

- Joel Osteen? - See Ken Copeland

- Benny Hinn - NOTHING.

As far as these "men of God" taking a scholarly approach to the Bible -
good luck! Ask them to name the Fathers of Christianity and they would
turn red with embarrassment. Who was St. Augustine? "Oh, you mean the
guy who founded that city in Florida!" Were the likes of Dollar, Jakes, Osteen, et al. given instruction in
Bible history? Hebrew? Ancient Greek? Biblical Archeology? Hermeneutics? Theology? Comparative religions? Exegesis? Textual criticism? Apologetics? History of Christianity? Canon law? The Apocrypha?

Have they even claimed to have read the WHOLE Bible? If so, which version? And
when they step up to the pulpit, do they even know what
they're talking about?

So when it comes right down to it, do you know if your pastor knows
ANYTHING when he's preaching you, telling you how to live your life? Or
is it all "God, God God, Bible, Bible, Bible, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,
ungawa, ungawa, ungawa - now a call for donations."

"But he speaks so beautifully...and with passion!"

So do some politicians.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T should not necessarily come with an R-E-V. But many people respect ministers/preachers/priests blindly.

And whenever that happens, the R-E-V automatically becomes C-O-N-T-R-O-L.

That's REVEREND Dan Vojir To You!

The idea of becoming a minister (or priest) got me thinking: why not? Why can't I become a card-carrying, legal (in most states) and
revered "Reverend"? Why can't I have the authority to marry people and
baptize them? Oh, and don't forget about exorcism!

From wikipedia:

The ULC's ordinations are issued in the belief that all people are
already ordained by God and that the ULC is merely recognizing this
fact. The ULC has no traditional doctrine, believing as an organization
merely in doing "that which is right." Each individual has the
privilege and responsibility to determine what is right for him or her
as long as it does not infringe on the rights of others. The Church
does not stand between the member and their God.

The ULC's stated
beliefs are as follows:

Objective: Eternal Progression.
Goal: A Fuller
Life for Everyone.
Slogan: To Live and Help Live.
Maxim: "We Are
One."

I particularly like the slogan "To Live and HELP Live" - that's compassion. "To Live and Let Live" - that's merely tolerance.

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Dan Vojir is a San Francisco writer and raconteur. His latest attempt is "Sacred Cows Make the Best Hamburger - How to becaome a lion and devour the Christian Right."

The views expressed in this article are the sole responsibility of the author
and do not necessarily reflect those of this website or its editors.