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What the Hell Does "Sanctity of Marriage" Mean?

By       Message John Blumenthal     Permalink
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Karl Rove - who likes to invoke the phrase "sanctity of marriage" as a reason to prevent gays from marrying - recently got divorced for the second time. The question is: Where exactly was the sanctity in his marriages?

In fact, the term "sanctity of marriage" is off-limits for anyone who's gotten divorced, because when people get married they take "sacred" marriage vows. One of those vows is, "until death do you part," not "I'm tired of you, goodbye."

Obviously, "sanctity of marriage" is a meaningless phrase concocted by Rove-like bigots and religious fanatics who are terrified that gay marriage will lead to moral decay, since it says so in the Bible, which it doesn't. Men, they say, are supposed to marry women. It's God's will.

Fact is, in Biblical times, if there weren't any women handy at the oasis, you flirted with the closest attractive goat, or the nearest cute guy in a robe. It's lonely in the desert, and you can't have a very satisfying sexual experience with sand. Also, there's nothing in the Bible about coveting thy neighbor's goat.

And nowadays, just because a priest administers the marriage vows doesn't sanctify the process, especially if the priest in question has an important appointment with a "troubled" twelve year-old later in the afternoon.

Ironically, a lot of the idiots who actually think heterosexual marriage is some kind of holy rite, got married in Vegas by a guy in an Elvis wig, flanked by two random, half-drunk ghoulish witnesses. These young newlyweds are probably divorced within a year and living in separate trailer parks. The bride posts a twenty year-old picture of herself on Match.com, and hubbie is probably onto his third wife, who he physically abuses on a regular basis. Or he hasn't found another wife, and is satisfying his carnal needs on his cousin or the livestock.

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Anti-gay rights activists are also terrified that, if gays are allowed to serve in the armed forces, the result will be sexual chaos. Right. I can just see some gay G.I. making a pass at a non-gay G.I. while their Humvee is being blown to smithereens.

Besides, military recruiters are so desperate to increase the ranks, they're enlisting 18 year-old morons and rushing them through boot camp by limiting the curriculum to loading guns, putting on a helmet correctly and learning the military tactics involved in badminton. I don't know about you, but if I were in Afghanistan, I'd rather have a well-trained gay guy watching my back than a dimwit with his helmet on backwards.

Then you've got the truly demented, sanctimonious types who have this inane idea that gay people can be talked out of being gay. That's like trying to talk an albino out of being pale.

And there's the old saw about how gay teachers will somehow talk their students into being gay. How does that work exactly? By exclusively teaching Oscar Wilde and Truman Capote? Playing show tunes? So what's the heterosexual kid supposed to say? "I love Truman Capote and he was gay so maybe I should try it?" All of which is irrelevant because the potential victims of this imaginary concept are all busy texting each other, so nobody's even paying attention anyway.

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John Blumenthal has been a professional comedy writer for 25 years. A former associate editor and columnist at Playboy Magazine (following a short stint at Esquire), he's written 8 books and 2 produced movies. His films include "Short Time," (major (more...)
 

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