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Life Arts

What Tiger Needs Under His Christmas Tree

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Headlined to H4 12/15/09
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Poor Tiger. It seems that 18 holes have taken on a whole new meaning for the guy who once had the squeaky-clean image of being the perfect family man, athlete extraordinaire and highly paid ambassador for automobiles and anything to do with the favorite sport of paunchy white gentlemen. Nike alone gave millions of dollars to him over the years and apparently Tiger took their slogan to heart. He didn't just "do it"; it seems he's done a lot of it with a variety of different stupid women. I don't think he's going to be "doing it" again any time soon.

As more females begin to emerge and share stories of their trysts with the man whose putter has seen more manicured trim than even Elin we thought possible, I can't help but wonder what the highest paid athlete in history is going to find under his Christmas tree this year. I mean, what do you get the man who has just about everything to lose? Here are just a few of my suggestions guesses:

New and Improved 97 Gazillion Horsepower PR Machine: Stronger louder and more powerful than any pressure cleaner known to agents and marketing strategists, you can carry this with you like an albatross on your back wherever the media follows you go. In fact, you will have no other choice but to have your caddy schlep it along with your golf bag it's so slick discreet, almost nobody will know it's there if you pay them enough. Price tag? $1.3 million. Yearly.

Super Daddy Dearest Photo Spread in Vanity Fair Magazine. Comes complete with happy children, ever-present glaring adoring wife and face licking dogs. No bling but lots of flash. Price tag: Three days of Elin knowing that even Tiger wouldn't touch being exposed to and by Annie Liebovitz. After all here tax problems, she could use the money. Price tag: Three days of being exposed to Annie Liebovitz.

Golf Club Proof Bulletproof Cadillac Escalade. This super deluxe vehicle comes fully equipped with windows that can withstand the wrath of any woman force of scud missiles. Naked to the eye, triple reinforced rubber bumpers are guaranteed not to cause injury to trees or your carefully crafted image fire hydrants. Comes with super secret escape hatch. Additional options include easy-to-remove black light defying interiors for those that prefer to leave no trace of evidence. Price tag: $341,812.00 (license, tag, title and insurance extra).

Lifetime Supply of Viagra Falls „ . When the urge strikes to go out and use your putter, just one of these babies (taken with a page from your new and improved revamped prenup) will guarantee that you concentrate on one hole and one hole only if only for the foreseeable future. (See your doctor immediately if thoughts of cocktail waitresses, porn stars and night club hostesses do not subside within four hours.) Price tag: More expensive than castration, but not nearly as painful. Prenup extra.

Gift Certificate for An Intimate Evening with Lorena Bobbit: What better way to show your suspicion love than by offering music, candles, champagne and a five hour lecture course dinner that includes demonstrations discussions of the finer points of cutlery from the woman who cut her man off at the pass knows she should have married a professional golfer. Comes with a lifetime of free knife sharpening! Price tag: $8,280. Loss prevention insurance available for an additional (annual payment of) $123, 060, 419.00.


Private Concert with Linda Ronstadt. For two full uninterrupted hours, Linda will sing various versions of her hit song "You're No Good" using a microphone made out of a nine iron! Price tag: Free. Cocaine optional.

Personal STD Home Testing Kit: While everyone on the course has been concerned about annoying ticks and the potential of catching Lyme Disease, Tiger will be ahead of the fray once again with his very own Sexually Transmitted Disease Home Testing Kit that can instantly determine if he has contracted gonorrhea, syphilis, herpes or a case of crabs. Nothing says, "I practice safe putting" than your own handy testing system. Comes with handsome, imitation interested look monogrammed plastic case. Price tag: $477.00.

Religion! What Christmas from hell is complete without a renewed relationship with and sudden deep interest in the mystery of religion, faith and God? You too can instantly slowly be transformed and be seen having tête-Ã-têtes or espousing catchy phrases like, "I have sinned" with the esteemed likes of the Reverend Jesse Jackson, Jimmy Swaggart and Benny Hinn. (Toupee, prostitutes and child support payment not included.) Price tag: The full expense of erecting a brand new multimillion-dollar church and a full hour interview with Larry King.

What I suspect Tiger won't find under the tree this year? A(nother) brand new wedge.


 

Patricia A. Smith is a writer and artist (and sometimes both at the same time). A former columnist, restaurant critic and cruise line executive, Smith has lived in London, Greece, Denmark, Hungary, Egypt, Costa Rica and France. She returned (more...)
 
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